And So I Ask...Why?

It seems whenever their is a positive up-spin to life, there must also be something that humbles you, kicks you to your knees and makes you cry. This fall is going to test me in more than one way and so I stay awake because tomorrow just seems more of the same unpromising twists.

I feel alone and you aren't even gone yet...

Faith in a Time of Despair

This summer has been eventful, cataclysmic towards my well-being. I find myself in contradiction, fighting to finish the schooling I have started, depending on the sources to which allow me to do so and yet grasping at the thought of independence. With the fourth of July waiting upon midnight, how "correct" to be writing this now.
I am distracted, consistently anxious and forlorn regarding the overall logistics and illogical maneuvers of life.
Such a simple sound that radiates from my cell phone and interrupts class. Twice. Two times this semester I have forgotten to do the one thing I always wonder how others do not remember. And now I am she, or he depending, who in the middle of a sentence or slight silent pause has to thumb through and find the small button that will cease the noise.
I am here, but hoping my thoughts can carry me otherwise, because in the moment I am overwhelmed.

A Real Conversation

"What if I were hypothetically married and we lived in the house?"
"Well then that hypothetical person would need hypothetical space, hypothetically you don't have enough room, so hypothetically, you should simplify for the hypothetical."
"But what if hypothetically that hypothetical person had minimal hypothetical stuff?"
"Well then hypothetically, you would still need hypothetical closet room. Your books and cd's take up two closets on their own."
"Ah, but the hypothetical person would only need hypothetical closet space because the hypothetical furniture doesn't have any hypothetical attachment and could be sold."
"Hypothetically."

...

I have nothing left. May G-d harden my heart so I don't feel anymore.

Faith in a Shallow Pool

I admire those who jump blindly, knowing they will not hit the bottom of the dark abyss, I see the water knee deep. At times I question my faith, inability to simply let things be without my intervention. During religious studies, this eve, we came across 18th century Deism and I found myself accepting a lot of their points. They believed in a force that created all and after creation, this force stopped intervening. Therefore, they did not believe that Jesus was the son of G-d, because he would not send someone to mingle in the livings affairs. This of course created an uproar from the back of the room, 'What?! No Jesus, resurrection, New Testament? I thought everyone had these beliefs, what is wrong with people not having full faith in Jesus? Are they inept in their bible studies?' Wow, who knew someone could be so religiously closed minded; I wonder what the Jews, Buddhists, and Muslims think?

Afraid, To Push You From My Mind

"What could I say
To touch beneath your clothes
When I say "I need you here"
You'd say "how could I not know"
Why am I so tired
Exhausted in my love
Water in my eyes
Why am I not enough

I told you everything I knew
I tore my pockets out and gave them all to you
You hold my throat like a violin
I never want to kiss again
Cause there's nobody like you
Cause there's nobody like you

Now I'm so afraid
To push you from my mind
Like the fear of forgetting what
What light is like when you close your eyes"

Without You

I am lost without you. Your toothbrush sits in the exact position that you last laid it there, the scale where you took it from the box, the pillow you laid your head on when I kissed you goodnight. I hurt and feel weak and though I know I am capable of sitting in the silence and being alone - I want you here again.
I hate that my thoughts and influences have forced me to where we are, yet I know it is necessary to reevaluate. I want things you are not ready for and I have waited far longer than I ever thought I could. This isn't about us, it's about you and I separately being the strong people we were meant to be.
I hope during this time I can remember who I am and that you can figure out if I fit into who you are today or if time was our inconvenience.

Lay In The Quiet

I am battling with lingering sleep, the desire to hide beneath the covers and ignore the world. I feel like I am losing myself. I wish to organize, clean more often than I do, write, create, compose. Who have I become? Sleep is my one constant, forcing myself to be awake puts me in a bad mood. At times my mind runs blank and I wonder where all the thoughts have gone. Don't give up on me fellow friends, I'm in here, trying to get out...




"And sorries not the word, it doesn't mean a thing."