Wall

I'm hitting a wall and don't know how to get around it, do you climb? Dig? Or simply step to the side?
I can't describe the feeling that has me occupied and when I try to pinpoint it, I disturb those I love, I make them feel defensive when I am just trying to find the center of my anxiety.
I know I am tired of the uncertain, but that is life right? You make one decision and another arises.
I feel inept and lonely. Very lonely, though people are around me.
Faith step in, I'm hollow here.

Shut-Up Insecurities and Let Me Be

I am in a wonderful relationship, the kind where you see the person and light up because your heart starts pounding even after so much time has past and you think they can't surprise you anymore. Where when you are feeling down they know what to say and it is so sincere it makes you want to cry for different reasons, because you feel so loved. Where when people ask you about that person you can't convey how wonderful they are or why they make you so happy, but you know inside why they are yours. You fit together, surpassing physical connectedness, an indescribable relationship.
I feel as if secrets are revolving around my relationship...is this because so many others are messed up I wonder why I am so lucky? That it must not be real? I know that I am slow to warm, but will I always be on edge? The mind is a strange device, get hurt once and you carry it with you forever. I know that if I keep being paranoid, not trusting in the one I love, I will create opportunity for heartache. I already find avenues to be upset, making myself miserable because my mind goes straight for the worst.
Women are raised to think that sex is an act for the one person you will spend eternity with, sacred, serving a purpose of procreating with your soul-mate. Men are raised to believe that their lives have not been lived unless they have physical relations with more than one person. Society feeds into these thoughts, separating men and women and yet we continue to pass on these "standards" to our children.....when will we think for ourselves? Do we even know what our own thoughts are anymore? There are women who worry that their loves will leave if they aren't giving enough, so three-somes occur, porn, a variety of sexual acts. And then there are those who hope that even though they don't do those things, they will still be loved, that there are not secret, late night phone calls, indecent website photos called "art" to make one feel justified.
Relationships are hard, I guess the key is to stop trying to fit into the mold you think everyone wants you to be in, be yourself and find the one that supports you.

Speed Up, But I am Slowed Down

Time is going too fast on this my day off. I know what I would like to accomplish and yet here I sit, looking at the time and knowing that sleep is smart for the work day ahead. I am tired, my brain is slow, my body just wants to sleep, but inside I am struggling because I want to accomplish more, I want to think faster....and as silly as this sounds.....I want to clean. I am in here and my body isn't cooperating.

I Can't Feel You

I'm sitting in my new house. It has been about three weeks since I moved. It's quiet besides Landon Pigg Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop. Strange to see my belongings in a place besides where I am used to calling home.
I miss you. I miss feeling you near. I moved out for the first time and you aren't here to share in it. I have been staying busy avoiding the silence...avoiding myself. And now I look around at rooms almost fully unpacked and I feel this aching feeling that you were not a part of it. Were you? I didn't feel you here.
Now I allow myself to feel what I have been ignoring. I need you and I can't find you. So I write, even though this isn't going directly to you, but at least I know it's out there, that if you can't hear me there are always words written......I miss you.

Time is an Illusion, So Tell it to Stop Following Me

I am ready to disperse from my pied-a-terre. There is change amongst the days and I feel it, am fighting it, but know in the long run it will be positive.
I found a job, one in which I would not have thought of or rather, thought I could obtain. I am happy with it. I like my surroundings, I like my boss and co-workers. The hours are something less to be desired, but I can work with it.
I am struggling with my relationship as the tug of time is taking hold. My heart is fragile and over-sensitive and yet I have this strange calm in the back of my head that sounds a lot like, "Just keep swimming." And so I do.

Frustrated

I dislike feeling as if I have grown while others around me stay infantile. I'm angry today. I feel pressured to get a job and perform. I felt clear headed after my trip home to Washington, reoriented, and now I feel pressed upon. I feel hypocritical, demanding, short tempered, hurt, un-valued.
I want this feeling to go away...won't you stop pissing me off?

A Little Confused

It has been quite awhile since I have let my thoughts hit the void. The world is still solid and I am still on my feet, but I find myself weary with finding a full-time job. School has ended and no longer can I use the excuse of, "but I have homework." Time to act like an adult...whatever that means, I'm not very impressed with the models out there.
Heard about an insane monkey that had to be slowed down by forks, I'm glad I did not witness this. Don't you think this would make the situation worse?