Monkey Bay

You're doing it again. A nice weekend...then silence. I drank too much. Wine bottle, minus one glass. You text me, you are having dinner with your family. Why didn't you invite me like the old days? You set me up for a relationship where you had to see me every day, now almost five years, you don't feel the need to see me that often. But you have gotten me addicted, my habit every day, you pull away. I put the trash on the curb, can't walk straight, lots of neighbors out, hope no one noticed. What's happening to me? I miss you. I want you here.

I Want and I Don't

How can I explain how I am feeling? I can't. I stand next to you, hold your hand, it feels right. But there are silent pauses...when I get off of work and you are not here...and I cry. I cry when no one is watching. I cry alone in my room, I cry when I am sitting in my office. I want you to feel how I feel, I want you to understand how you can trust someone more than yourself and then...lose it all.
I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and have it feel like it used to feel, but when you kiss me I think of someone else's lips on yours.
You think distance may solve the feeling, but when I am away from you my mind wanders to places I don't want it to go. It's safer when you are near.
I want to trust you are working when you say you are, I want to trust that the girls in your phone and on the internet mean nothing.
I want to trust that when we are alone in bed, you are thinking of me and not her...
I don't know how to get over this...I don't know if I should, but I'm trying.
You get frustrated, thinking I should be over it by now...do you really think it is that simple? When you give everything to someone hoping for the same in return and they tell you that you have the same, time after time when you wonder why they stayed out late at night? To learn that all of those questions that were answered, were answered with lies?
I wish my brother were here. I wish he would let me cry in his arms, I wish he would fix it. I feel alone. I am inside my head with thoughts I don't want to have, thoughts that won't go away. I want answers...and I don't.
I love you...and I hate you.