Here We Go Again

Sunday night I fell asleep to the sound of you typing, the weight of you on the bed next to me. I knew you weren't going to stay. You never stay Sunday night.
I woke to your touch, a kiss. You brushed my cheek, told me my lips were so soft, that you loved me, looked me in the eye. Asked me if I wanted to have dinner the next night. I knew you weren't coming back. I told myself not to think, I kissed you back, asked if you knew when you would be off work. You de-iced my stairs, told me to be careful, put on my "cramp ons" I made fun of you for calling them that, you didn't laugh. You told me you didn't want to hear that I had to go to the hospital, that I should scoot in the morning if I had to. It reaffirmed you weren't coming back, there was no dinner.
Monday. Text, dinner? No answer. Call. Three rings. Sent to voicemail.
I don't know how to be without you. I keep picturing you out with someone else and it's making me sick. I keep picking up my phone to call you.
I fall asleep crying into your pillow, your towel hangs in the bathroom untouched.
The avocado you bought is going bad in the fridge.
My mind is wandering. I realized that for five years you have been the one to walk away and every time I am the one to ask you to come back, you never come back on your own. The last time you broke up with me, when I thought we were only on a temporary break, you told people we were over right away and went out with someone within the first month. I'm miserable without you. I've seen your online posts. I've caught you out, having a drink and before you saw me, you looked as focused as you always do.
My point? ... do I love you more than you love me? I don't tell anyone we aren't together, because I want us to work it out.
I keep hoping you will come sweep me off my feet. I know how your mind fights you and I worry that if you want to be with me, you will convince yourself it will be too awkward to find me and tell me you love me. And the other part of me worries that you are going to move on fast, you are going to go out and do all of the things that would jeopardize us ever getting back together.
I want to stab myself, I want to see the pain I feel. I want to drink and pass out so that I can't remember who I am. I want to get in my car and keep driving until I'm someone else. But instead I'm here. Alone. And missing you so much I can't stand it and it's only been three days.