Communication

You responded and all worrying was for naught, until I made my "marriage demands" clear again. I have to know it will be just you and I before we say "I do." Then, you disappeared. No response to spoken word or messages left online. I don't know if you're angry that I would question you when you are sure it is only I at this point, I don't know if you are questioning yourself, I don't know if you are depressed and this is unrelated, but amazing timing.
I looked at a loft today that I was going to try and make work because it is at a perfect downtown location and when I realized I couldn't make it work, not I, I sat in my car and cried. I cried that you weren't helping me find a place for us, I cried that this is so hard, I cried that we aren't married yet, I cried for so many things.
I told M I was having a bad day, he told me he has a lot going on in his life and, basically, he can't be friends with me. Thank you for telling me that after I told you I'm having a hard time. I don't understand. Am I really so unbearable? I think of all of the jokes and fun conversations and smiles I have with people but they always leave, what is wrong with me that no one ever wants to stay?
I was behind a truck today and I wanted to crash into it. Just be forced into motionless-ness. A car tailgated me for quite a while, my hand clenched, I slowed, I wanted to hit my brakes, get out and ask them what their problem was, but they turned into their driveway.
You're out there without me and you don't realize that you are my rock when I am drowning, but sometimes you are the anchor that keeps me under. I need my rock back, because I'm sinking on my own.

Confused

Again...that feeling in the pit of my stomach that warns me that things are not right between you and I, that you have done something that you will regret because it will effect our future. You aren't answering me. Again, what you do when you have done something you don't want me to know about, you distance yourself.

This week I've continued to look at rentals, I thought about us getting our second marriage license and now I don't know what to think.