I Want and I Don't

How can I explain how I am feeling? I can't. I stand next to you, hold your hand, it feels right. But there are silent pauses...when I get off of work and you are not here...and I cry. I cry when no one is watching. I cry alone in my room, I cry when I am sitting in my office. I want you to feel how I feel, I want you to understand how you can trust someone more than yourself and then...lose it all.
I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and have it feel like it used to feel, but when you kiss me I think of someone else's lips on yours.
You think distance may solve the feeling, but when I am away from you my mind wanders to places I don't want it to go. It's safer when you are near.
I want to trust you are working when you say you are, I want to trust that the girls in your phone and on the internet mean nothing.
I want to trust that when we are alone in bed, you are thinking of me and not her...
I don't know how to get over this...I don't know if I should, but I'm trying.
You get frustrated, thinking I should be over it by now...do you really think it is that simple? When you give everything to someone hoping for the same in return and they tell you that you have the same, time after time when you wonder why they stayed out late at night? To learn that all of those questions that were answered, were answered with lies?
I wish my brother were here. I wish he would let me cry in his arms, I wish he would fix it. I feel alone. I am inside my head with thoughts I don't want to have, thoughts that won't go away. I want answers...and I don't.
I love you...and I hate you.

The Truth

You are sleeping in the other room.
My mind is a mess that I'm trying to keep contained. You finally told me why our engagements kept being broken...you allowed your physical wants to get the better of you and had a one night stand. So I got drunk. Two nights in a row, first time to pass out.
I want to make things work, but is it because I'm stubborn? Is it because I don't want to be alone? It can't be...others offer me their bed and I turn them down.
I felt good today. Sober. Happy. I wasn't thinking. Then at dinner we had too long of a silence and it all came back to me...the images, the questions, the sadness.
Can I find something good in it all? Does this mean you won't cheat if we marry because you have already "been there, done that?" Will you find another reason for us not to wed?
Perhaps the worst part is that I gave you everything, expecting that in return. I am already slow to trust, will this make it even harder?
The questions...that's the worst part...inside my head.

It's the month of our weather, we should be together.

Without A Word The Day Goes By

Are you still mine? I feel so alone. Not a sound, a note, a Redbull. I see traces of conversations you have with someone else, I feel invisible. I want to sleep until you wake me. I hate getting up day after day knowing I won't see you, talk to you, feel you. I am not me without you. You leave this week for San Francisco, you will be busy and in a different city. Please don't do something that could ruin us more than this separation.
I am so terrified that you will forget me. You will forget us, what we have. I worry that if I don't stay in-front of you you will get busy and forget how it feels to be together, so you won't miss us anymore.
I'm staying busy, having people over, going out. I went to Arnies, it wasn't the same without you.
It's promising a storm outside, its our weather.

28 Days Later

It's been over a month of indecision and loneliness. We have spent one day a week together and a couple this past. Then...nothing. You disappear without a word, without a text or call reply. I worry you aren't ok, but know that you do this often. I feel like I'm being subjected to "cry wolf." One day you will disappear and something will be wrong, but I won't know until later.
I just saw a tweet you sent, you are out, you are fine. I am here. Do you realize how much it hurts when you disappear?

Day 4

I couldn't stand it any longer, the feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me I had to see you, and here I have it again. I open my phone a thousand times a day to see if you've sent anything, I have the urge to call you on my drive home after work.
I drove to your house and freaked out your parents last night, I needed to see you, and once I saw you, I needed to hear you, and once I heard you, I needed to feel you.
I don't remember what I said in the note I left on your car, I hope I said what I meant.
You're worried I don't love all of you and I'm worried I can't be all of me. I don't want us to quit, we can do this right?
I love you and I want you to feel loved and I don't want you to feel as if you have to change completely for me, that isn't fair or right...but will you tell me if the parts of you that I see flawed, are really you or learned phases? I don't want to lose you.
I went to your website today, looked at your Flickr, you have amazing photos. Did you take them? And if so, why didn't you ever share them?
I read part of your blog, Feb. 3rds entry made me cry, mostly because you don't let me in on how hard things are for you. You don't let me in. There is this internet world that knows all of your sides, should we strike up an internet romance? Will you share with me then? I hate that I even ask that question.
I want to drive to you again...you are probably sleeping or laying in bed hearing the loud sounds from downstairs and not wanting to join. I wish you would text me back, I wish you would say you love me. I know you do, but the silence worries me, what is happening inside your head?
I'm eating old fruit, I wish we were having dinner.
No note. Cards are still in the top drawer of the dresser. I can't be here right now, everywhere I look I want you to be. I'm going to the liquor store.

Day 3

A storm is brewing outside and it makes me miss you even more. I just want to sit next to you and hold your hand, fall asleep with my head on your shoulder. The end of the month is near and I am no closer to finding an answer within myself.
I left work at 5:30, you would have been proud. Had a list of to-dos and decided to make them wait, but now I am home alone and wondering why I bothered rushing out, to sit in the silence and wallow in my missing you perhaps.