I Saw You

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat
~
And then I saw you, the you I fell in love with, the one that stood, just you and I. I sat having a discussion with my sister at a coffee shop, made a "your mom" joke with the barista, my sister looked embarrassed like she would when my mom would speak with strangers. I see her wave, look to see who, it is you. Not her battle, I will let it rest for now, and I am so glad to see you, though by your face I can tell that you did not seek me out, you were not meaning to run into me. Another beverage needed, a conversation starts again with a different stranger, we discuss the menu, then he says there is a six minute limit to the line, I took too long deciding, I will have to leave and come back. I ask if I can have his minutes, he says that he didn't think of that, it's a brilliant idea because he only used 30 seconds and says we should shake on it, pretends to spit in his hand and shakes mine. I'm friendly. I forgot I was friendly. I forgot I was funny. I forgot I knew how to talk to strangers. I find myself becoming more like my mother and liking it. We sit at a table, you speak with my sister, I notice I'm slouching, I try to straighten my back, but not because someone signals me to, not because someone wants me to, but because I want to.
You mentioned my voice changes during a conversation not too long ago and now I find myself catching it. I notice it when I speak with other people, when I speak with you, I start sounding young, mousy, unsure and inside my head I'm thinking, "fuck" and try and find a way to my lower, normal pitch.
You said that my recent trip to visit my parents was beneficial, I agree. I feel like I am doing things more for myself now, I feel more confident. And though I still cry myself to sleep with thoughts I don't want to think, I want to learn to channel those feelings into the strong person I know I can be.
There are moments I wish I had a pause button so I could replay you in my mind, you said something so incredibly kind and (romantic? that doesn't seem like the word to describe it), that you want to make the world wonderful with me and bring children into it. I wish I had a better memory...I know you said wonderful...and children...
And as you were leaving, you said that I was acting like a wife and you have noticed it for awhile, you packed your lunch, said that you are acting like a husband. I thought to myself, "shoot, that's not what you want," then you surprised me by coming over, kissing me and saying, "I like it."
Kissing you in different moments of the evening, it was you. It was five years ago when the worst was a curfew. And though it wasn't a completely carefree night, I was able to resist the urge to bring up "the others" when I felt comparisons. I think that even though I have always said it, I am finally starting to believe that you either love me and will stand up for me and my morals or stop wasting my time.
I don't know if it's the struggles this past year has brought, the trip I took, my birthday (as everyone says something changes at 25), but I feel older. It's strange having a feeling of responsibility to handle situations differently. I have always wanted children, but it is scary to have the ticking time clock syndrome all of a sudden. There is something inside that just tells you that you are running out of time and need to have kids as soon as possible, I remember my sister running into the same thing when she turned 25. It's easier to have children the younger you are and when you want to have five like I do, it's scary to think that the longer you wait, the older you will be trying to carry them to term. I have always pictured being the young, hip mom that my kids like taking out and want their friends to be around. And my body isn't nice as it is.
~
I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh, I hope that it won't end though alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?

I Did it Again

I did it again, I pushed you away without meaning to. I don't know why I expect you to sit there while I say the things I need to say, hurtful things that won't really get us anywhere in the long run. I wish so badly that when I did you would grab me and hold me and tell me you're sorry, but you don't, you get angry and hurt...I would to. You yelled back and then you walked out. I sat at the table, our food growing cold, and cried. I paced, I controlled myself from the urge to punch the wall, I cried more. And then I stopped. I remembered looking into your eyes as I spoke to you and seeing tears and for the first time, I saw actual remorse. It's strange out of all of our conversations, I don't remember you genuinely saying you are sorry, but at the table, you looked it and you looked deeply hurt by my words. So I stopped crying and felt this calm come over me as if I finally saw what I had needed to see from you. Out of all of my arguments, you never reacted the way I needed you to. I'm sorry for some of the things I said. I wish you knew how much it hurts when you say that you wish I would write more or play music, because I want to be that person again too and I'm slowly getting there, but I'm not going to automatically jump back into her skin when something happened that made me feel like it wasn't right for me to be her. I hate that you keep pushing me being active, you used to tell me that you just wanted me to be happy with my body, you didn't care what I weighed, and now that I've lost a lot of weight and feel a lot better about myself, I feel as if I will never be good enough for you, because you barely even acknowledge the progress I've made. I hate that you feel like it's ok to run away from confrontation until you are ready to deal with it, leaving people to sit, wondering where you are and when they can put the issue to rest, it's disrespectful. I would like to finish an argument in the same day. I hate that the calm didn't last and now I cry myself to sleep, wondering if you care that I'm miserable while you go on with your daily life, telling me that you don't have the energy to have a conversation with me. This was days ago...when will you have the energy?

Is Anyone Out There?

I'm drowning lately and people can see it. I'm trying so hard not to feel for everyone's sake. I am trying to remember when I was a teenager and someone could say something mean or overly honest and my heart would flutter, but I bounced it back so that I wouldn't get hurt. I don't know how to do that anymore and I need it. My head is a constant battlefield, my mind circles thoughts that I don't want to have and I end up saying things that are harsh and I'm becoming someone I don't want to be.
My brother isn't here. I wish he were here so badly. He would take me to dinner and tell me to get my act together. We would sit on the couch and talk before he left to hang out with his girlfriend. If you know me, then you think this doesn't make sense. I miss him, it's hard when you go through life feeling someone standing next to you and all of the sudden they are gone and then when you are alone...you are really alone. I don't know what I did, but I could use him now more than ever.
I'm fighting depression again for a number of reasons and with it is coming old thoughts and temptations that I don't want to have so I have joined an online group. Not something I would normally do, but it has been helping. Sometimes they say things I don't want to hear, but perhaps need to hear and it's the honesty I appreciate.
My distraction has left the state and after being hurt the same as I have been, has put up a wall of boundaries that lessens conversation even though I need it now.
I'm trying to channel these feelings into music, photography, something other than the sleep and sharp objects that are tempting me, because the emotions I have I don't deserve and I know that.

Here We Go Again

Sunday night I fell asleep to the sound of you typing, the weight of you on the bed next to me. I knew you weren't going to stay. You never stay Sunday night.
I woke to your touch, a kiss. You brushed my cheek, told me my lips were so soft, that you loved me, looked me in the eye. Asked me if I wanted to have dinner the next night. I knew you weren't coming back. I told myself not to think, I kissed you back, asked if you knew when you would be off work. You de-iced my stairs, told me to be careful, put on my "cramp ons" I made fun of you for calling them that, you didn't laugh. You told me you didn't want to hear that I had to go to the hospital, that I should scoot in the morning if I had to. It reaffirmed you weren't coming back, there was no dinner.
Monday. Text, dinner? No answer. Call. Three rings. Sent to voicemail.
I don't know how to be without you. I keep picturing you out with someone else and it's making me sick. I keep picking up my phone to call you.
I fall asleep crying into your pillow, your towel hangs in the bathroom untouched.
The avocado you bought is going bad in the fridge.
My mind is wandering. I realized that for five years you have been the one to walk away and every time I am the one to ask you to come back, you never come back on your own. The last time you broke up with me, when I thought we were only on a temporary break, you told people we were over right away and went out with someone within the first month. I'm miserable without you. I've seen your online posts. I've caught you out, having a drink and before you saw me, you looked as focused as you always do.
My point? ... do I love you more than you love me? I don't tell anyone we aren't together, because I want us to work it out.
I keep hoping you will come sweep me off my feet. I know how your mind fights you and I worry that if you want to be with me, you will convince yourself it will be too awkward to find me and tell me you love me. And the other part of me worries that you are going to move on fast, you are going to go out and do all of the things that would jeopardize us ever getting back together.
I want to stab myself, I want to see the pain I feel. I want to drink and pass out so that I can't remember who I am. I want to get in my car and keep driving until I'm someone else. But instead I'm here. Alone. And missing you so much I can't stand it and it's only been three days.

Time Keeps on Changing

I'm not ok. I keep trying to tell you something is wrong and I can't find it. In some respects I feel better than I have in awhile and in others...not so.
Conversations of moving...I'm anxious. And scared. I don't know if I will be making a huge mistake. I'm worried I won't like who I will become if I'm not here, that I won't have a good job or make people proud or do what I think is important. I hate change and I'm scared.
I started cleaning out my office today. Went through files to make sure I didn't leave any notes that were irrelevant or would put me in a bad light, took my notebooks and a few things that I brought from home back with me.
My stomach has been in knots and I haven't felt well since the prospect of moving began, but there is this part of me yearning for an adventure and knowing I can't grow here.

Monkey Bay

You're doing it again. A nice weekend...then silence. I drank too much. Wine bottle, minus one glass. You text me, you are having dinner with your family. Why didn't you invite me like the old days? You set me up for a relationship where you had to see me every day, now almost five years, you don't feel the need to see me that often. But you have gotten me addicted, my habit every day, you pull away. I put the trash on the curb, can't walk straight, lots of neighbors out, hope no one noticed. What's happening to me? I miss you. I want you here.

I Want and I Don't

How can I explain how I am feeling? I can't. I stand next to you, hold your hand, it feels right. But there are silent pauses...when I get off of work and you are not here...and I cry. I cry when no one is watching. I cry alone in my room, I cry when I am sitting in my office. I want you to feel how I feel, I want you to understand how you can trust someone more than yourself and then...lose it all.
I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and have it feel like it used to feel, but when you kiss me I think of someone else's lips on yours.
You think distance may solve the feeling, but when I am away from you my mind wanders to places I don't want it to go. It's safer when you are near.
I want to trust you are working when you say you are, I want to trust that the girls in your phone and on the internet mean nothing.
I want to trust that when we are alone in bed, you are thinking of me and not her...
I don't know how to get over this...I don't know if I should, but I'm trying.
You get frustrated, thinking I should be over it by now...do you really think it is that simple? When you give everything to someone hoping for the same in return and they tell you that you have the same, time after time when you wonder why they stayed out late at night? To learn that all of those questions that were answered, were answered with lies?
I wish my brother were here. I wish he would let me cry in his arms, I wish he would fix it. I feel alone. I am inside my head with thoughts I don't want to have, thoughts that won't go away. I want answers...and I don't.
I love you...and I hate you.