One Day

Sometimes I lay
Under the moon
And thank G-d I'm breathing
Then I pray
Don't take me soon
Cause I'm here for a reason
Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
~

A pause. A moment. Still waiting for life to begin. I feel as if I have been waiting for twenty-five years for life to start, I am closer, I see where I want to go and it is almost attainable, but there is still the waiting. And with it an amazing fear that all of the pursuits of wants and waiting gathered to a place where I will be disappointed with the result, where it will not be enough, and then what?
I feel amazingly alone and within that find myself looking for what can fill the hole. I have been looking up the Jewish community here. I miss hearing Hebrew. I miss being more thankful for the good days and feeling as if there was an open line of communication on the bad.

Alone

I feel utterly alone. I try to decide what stays, what goes. I try to handle the emotional turmoil I am going through, because though people say they are there for me they are running in their own direction of issues. Tomorrow will make it exactly one week before I depart and will set in motion a series of stressful events that take place when one is preparing to move. I'm tired and overwhelmed and lonely.

My Tears Misread

Is it so hard to satisfy your senses
You found out to love me
You have to climb some fences
Scratching and crawling along the floor to touch you

And just when it feels right
You say you found someone to hold you
Does she like I do?

Baby, tell me does she love you
Like the way I love you?
Does she stimulate you
Attract and captivate you?

Tell me does she miss you
Existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do?

Tell me does she want you
Infatuate and haunt you?
Does she know just how to shock you
Electrify and rock you?

Does she inject you
Seduce you and affect you?
Like the way I do, like the way I do

Can I survive all
The implications even if I tried?
Could you be less than an addiction?

Don't you think I know there's so many others
Who would beg, steal and lie, fight, kill and die
Just to hold you, hold you like I do

Baby, tell me does she love you
Like the way I love you?
Does she stimulate you
Attract and captivate you?

Tell me does she miss you
Existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do?

Tell me does she want you
Infatuate and haunt you?
Does she know just how to shock you
Electrify and rock you?

Does she inject you
Seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do?

Nobody loves you
Like the way I do
Nobody wants you
Like the way I do

Nobody needs you
Like the way I do
Nobody aches, nobody aches
Just to hold you
Like the way I do
~

We met for a coffee approximately a week ago, had dinner, then drove around thinking of children's names. It was nice. "Normal," can it be called that? I'm not sure other unwed couples drive around thinking of their unborn children, but it made me happy to think of a joyful future. Maybe we could teach our kids not to screw things up so badly or to have coping skills we don't. Then another week passed without seeing you.
Last night you came by, we were ok and then your phone buzzed and when you looked at it you turned it so as to hide the screen from me, much like you often do, but the secrets are exhausting me. You ran into an old friend and you went to see a "flame" to try and put some things to rest for yourself. I was tired last night, in-between wanting to cry and fall asleep. You mistook my "tears" for the fact you went. I'm upset not because you went, I understand needing to close relationships, but rather the timing and that you couldn't discuss it with me. I'm starting to seriously question who I am with you. You will finally tell me something and say that you weren't sure how I would take it, if I would break up with you or hit you and I'm starting to wonder...am I really that irrational? Is it that you think that whatever you do isn't a big deal and am I overreacting? There are some things I know I am not going over-the-top about and my opinion will not change, but others...I'm getting confused. But the problem lies within lies, every little thing I have to gear myself up to be something more. The girl who waved? Might not be just the girl who waved. Your phone that buzzes at midnight might not be just another alert. That phone number in your recent call list? She might not be a girl you were just talking to, you might have slept with her. Unfortunately, I've been trained very well to take normal everyday interactions and blow them up into something more. As for my request, is it really that hard to back off from female relationships for awhile so we can pull ourselves back together? You asked what you could do and now you won't do it, it seems the forever you want doesn't mean a lifetime because you are only building temporary trust and breaking it.
We aren't ever going to be ok if you don't learn to include me: Rachel sent a funny email about zombies, want to see it? Lily made a move on Words with Friends, want to help me with my word? Sharon and I have a business lunch, brad can't go, do you want to join us?
If you keep living a separate life where I don't know what you are doing inside your phone or in the world without me and people know I exist, but they never see me, you leave us open to several situations like before. You wondered how my parents have survived, because my dads friends and coworkers know who my mom is and vice versa, they are real people to them and therefor people don't want to get in-between their relationship.
I have an amazing amount of energy for three hours of sleep, the crash is not going to be good...

Today I Feel Sorry For Myself

I am so tired. I shut down at eight-thirty last night, not that I slept, I just couldn't take in any more input. Dust is starting to settle on my desk, I see it from where I sit each morning and each night and yet I don't have the will to do something about it. I feel like I'm starving all the time, partially due to my lack of actual nourishment and also, a familiar foe, comfort food. There is a change this time; however, I recognize that I am stressing and therefor my brain seeks the kitchen as there is no one to keep me occupied. So instead, I attempt staying busy and when that doesn't work, sit in my room, my blood sugar drops, my stomach feels as though it is eating itself and I tell myself it's all in my head.
Where is my person that will drive for hours bar hopping to find me when I've "shut the world out"? Where is my "are you ok" text? I'm lonely, I feel like crap and my life sucks. That's how I feel right now.

Hello Pillow, Can I Have A Z?

I drag myself out of bed in the morning, one foot in front of the other. I'm told I look tired, I'm asked if I'm ok. I toss and turn at night. I take a shower. Show my little sister how to make Malt 'O Meal. I grade her classwork from the previous day so that she can begin the next lesson once we have reviewed. Afterwards, she does a chore then is free to watch a movie or play my PS2 while I pack boxes. When the day is done there is no other option, but to sleep, wake up and do it all over again.
My mom is in OKC this week. I was there a couple of days, but the interactions were frustrating me. I do miss the little one though. I met with the moving company yesterday, I'm afraid I did not pack my boxes well enough for such a lengthy travel.
I'm overwhelmed.
Without my mother knowing anything she said that we aren't really dating, that hurt, but probably more so because it's true. I don't understand a relationship where you don't see each other and you don't talk. You wondered how my parents relationship survived while they were in separate states, they communicated. Which brings me to four paths: you want to break-up with me but don't want to hurt my feelings, you're seeing someone else, you did something stupid and are avoiding telling me, your combination of meds isn't helping and you should see your doctor.
The red head at Starbucks, I keep feeling there is more to that story...probably because there is always more to your stories than what you initially tell me. First you had forgotten to tell me that she was flirting with you so you left SB, then we meet up on another day and she supposedly takes a photo of us/you on her phone and you mention it is the same girl. I've done a lot of random things, but they made more sense than that. Considering your inability to say no, I'm starting to wonder if you gave her your phone number and she wanted an assigned photo once she saw you. If it had been an actual camera it would not be so out of place, but due to the fact she used her phone, she opened a can of worms.
I wonder why every major change in my life is at the same time you are utterly depressed? When neither one can help the other.

Babies

Twelve hours later...a boy was born. So my thoughts on this process...the initial reason to induce was because they were tired of waiting for the baby to come naturally. But due to his size and my sisters blood pressure the doctor wanted to do it as well. They were admitted around 6 a.m. the ball got rolling around 8. When she started to feel contractions she didn't like them so she asked for the epidural, the rest of the day if she felt some pain she would hit a button and the pain meds would make it go away. She began to feel some pain in her back that the epidural was not resolving so she asked for additional pain killers, which they supplied her. She was numb and couldn't move her legs. Due to this she couldn't walk or roll from side to side which delayed the birth. You could monitor her contractions on a screen and she would just lay there, talking through them. Her husband was bored, there was no comforting going on, they weren't excited that they were about to become a family. She delivered at 6:12 p.m.
Due to the epidural, she couldn't push so it was between a c-section or "vacuuming" him out. She went with the later. This causes the baby to have a temporary, misshaped head and may cause them to have a headache. He was very quiet, but he was also on all of the pain meds she was on, so it will take a couple of days for them to run through his system.
Two women in rooms on either side of her had natural childbirths and you could hear them screaming for about 20 - 30 minutes, then you heard the sound of the infants.
Observation & conversation: from the women I have talked to and seen those that have had a natural childbirth versus those that have had an epidural/"the easy way" are more excited and connected to their children and their husbands are as well. They are amazed by the little life not wondering who to send a message to on Facebook and when they are getting back to work. So I can only conclude that the way to go is hold out as long as possible, get pissed off that something hurts that much, and make sure to get the epidural before it's too late, but not so soon that you miss the experience.
I'm getting attached to the name David Asahel. David means beloved, Asahel means created by G-d. In the bible David was Asahel's uncle. I cannot remember if David was a good person...there is The Star of David. And in my life Asahel was used several times within the family.
I cannot wait to have a home. I'm in limbo and it's getting to me.

Hello Tile, Hello Sink

I sit in the bathroom and cry, typing text messages I do not send. Last night - I call, you do not answer. I ask you questions, you don't respond. I feel so alone. I want you to hug me. I want to lay on the bed next to you, hear your heartbeat as my head lays upon your chest, your arm around me, your warm lips kissing my face, feel your toes touching mine. I want everything where it should be. I want us out of this fucking state that has drained me of every ounce of happiness to where all I feel is sorrow.
My mom and I aren't getting along, not really. We have conversations where she starts to justify things to me and I get frustrated, it's fine if you want to do something or if you have an opinion, but don't tell me why it's right. Inside my head I struggle with not telling people to stop justifying their actions as they speak to me. With my mother, I get quiet during this time or make a snotty comment that makes us want to take a discussion break. I know this is partially due to what you and I are going through, but it doesn't make it go away.
I have to be up early tomorrow, about the time I fall asleep, my sister is inducing labor at 6 a.m. and we are driving to OKC. Seeing the little one and driving back to be out of the way as my brother-in-law's parents arrive.
I completed lesson one in my new classical roots vocab book, tonight I will do lesson two. I don't want to, but sometimes that's when you need to do something the most. I don't want to be this inept forever. As a child I would take a dictionary to bed and try to learn new words, I loved them.
I found out I have been taking the wrong dose of my migraine meds which is why my headaches are back, I have been taking two pills less than I am supposed to. I don't know when I started disobeying the directions, it was quite awhile ago and I don't know why, but I have started back on the correct dose. Downfall, I can expect to feel even more "out of my head" than I already do.
I don't know how you are getting through day by day not talking to me. Do I love you more than you love me? Are you spending your time with another? I can still picture your face, our intimate moments, but they are beginning to fade, I keep trying to remember so that they don't. I hate being apart.