Thursday, February 16, 2012
A Place to Call Home
I want a home and a family of my own so badly. I have been living out of boxes almost a year, having to rummage through them to get my things, open a suitcase to get my clothes, I want to scream. I feel so empty without children. I have to reassure myself everyday that the wait is worth it, but I'm lonely and I'm tired and I don't see where my life is going. I once thought I saw it clearly, knew exactly how it all would end, but it seems I was fooled. I tell myself daily, "I have to get a job, I have to get a job," I occupy myself with the thought so others cannot seep in, but try as I might sometimes they do. I remember when I was twelve my mother warned me not to go into the world too fast, that it wasn't as exciting as it seemed, she was right. I want to make a place of residence, take care of it with the one I love, raise children to be the best of us and better. I feel old, I feel restless, I don't know how to wait any longer.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I Care
You don't see the tears I shed for you, because I want to fix it all. I want to get us a place to call home, find you, feed you, care for you, make everything ok. You don't see how much it hurts to be hands-off while you struggle and figure things out in the world that is bigger than your home town. I fear you think I don't care, that you think I'm too heartless, I just know deep down this particular fight you have to win on your own and I need to know you can do it.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Question
Everyday I type a sentence, then retract it. It is slightly different everytime, but the essence remains the same. I am fighting patterns within myself, because this time must equal change and the question I feel I have to ask, the answer will either make me unhappy or uneasy. My fingers hit the keys, I hover over send, I reread what I have typed, then I watch as I delete what I have written. I do this daily. And though my habit would be to blurt the question, only pausing a moment to ask myself, "Should I ask?" I know the power of humans to adapt, change, overcome. So I will continue to type, read, delete until I no longer feel the question needs to be answered, until I can let go completely.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I Have Days Too
I wanted to tell you about my day. I wanted you to say, "Where did you go? Who did you meet?" I wanted to tell you about the constant line of students to the Microsoft table, about my awkward revisit to a table I thought I had not been to, about my conversation with a student. How I hesitated by the door when I first arrived, but soon felt comfortable enough to strike up conversations, laugh and smile. That I had a good conversation with a dev from Microsoft who is passing on my resume and I received an off-campus interview at five for Fund for the Public Interest. How I went to said interview after reading the pamphlets I was given, realizing it was for a nationwide activist group. They were looking for people who could pull together a team and head projects, letters to congress, go door-to-door, take a stand on politics/issues, make a difference, I felt very egotistical. Beforehand, I was approached at Starbucks for possible side projects, details still unknown, but I am armed with a business card.
I wanted to be talked to, I wanted to be asked.
I wanted to be talked to, I wanted to be asked.
Monday, February 6, 2012
A Note
The words I get are not her own, they are a mixture of eavesdropping, conversations with my mother and her personal feelings and so I find myself holding back frustrated sentences I wish to tell her or anyone in this house. I am feeling played and I don't like it. There is a part of me that wanted to say that if she believed in the words she wrote, she shouldn't have lived in the same house as I for most of my life. When people want the best for you, they really want the best for themselves. Yes, they want you to be happy, but they also want you to pick someone who doesn't irritate them, that talks about things they enjoy, does things the way they do them. My family wants to create a comforting atmosphere, but after that note, I'm feeling manipulated(?) and it's pissing me off.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Thank You
I write. You respond with words I need to hear/see.
I call in tears, leave a message. You call back, "please hang in there," your voice mail says. You call again in a couple of hours when I have yet to call back.
Thank you.
I call in tears, leave a message. You call back, "please hang in there," your voice mail says. You call again in a couple of hours when I have yet to call back.
Thank you.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I Miss You
"I miss you. It's amazing how innumerable billable hours, microwaveable meals and the delightful view of the tar paper roof of the hotel does not really distract me from you."
How I long for you to hold me in your arms and tell me that everything is ok, that the truths you told were lies. I miss your hands, your face, voice, eyes. I know your soul is trying to get out to be the man you want to be, but I don't know how to help you be that person, hence me always saying that I don't make you a better person. I see it, your soul, I know how great you could be, if only...
So much time I took for granted. The new clothes I did not show you, the dishes I bought us that are packed, the temporary nose studs, the wood magic box, makeup, so many things I thought I would have time to show you when we moved in together. So many things I wanted to do with you, see with you, experience with you. Time...who knew six years would not be enough. It was supposed to be forever and always.
I can live without you, but I wish I didn't have to.
How I long for you to hold me in your arms and tell me that everything is ok, that the truths you told were lies. I miss your hands, your face, voice, eyes. I know your soul is trying to get out to be the man you want to be, but I don't know how to help you be that person, hence me always saying that I don't make you a better person. I see it, your soul, I know how great you could be, if only...
So much time I took for granted. The new clothes I did not show you, the dishes I bought us that are packed, the temporary nose studs, the wood magic box, makeup, so many things I thought I would have time to show you when we moved in together. So many things I wanted to do with you, see with you, experience with you. Time...who knew six years would not be enough. It was supposed to be forever and always.
I can live without you, but I wish I didn't have to.
Friday, February 3, 2012
All I Wanted Was You
A ring upon your finger. So close to all I wanted from the first year we were together, to show the world I was yours and you mine and no one else's. That there was room for no one. That we would wake up next to each other for the rest of our lives, have kids, grow old. You never understood that though I may not have had things the way I preferred, I was ok, because I had what I really wanted, you. I was able to wait six years, because the wait was supposed to be worth it. I didn't know the wait would break my heart instead.
You act as if it's a compliment
When I say you're good at lies.
Do you see the pain you cause,
the torture and surprise?
You say I am self-righteous now,
Not realizing the point I try to make,
Your heart must be unwavering, decided and true.
Do you not see by my staying
my devotion to you?
I cannot make you want the things that I do.
I give you the rules,
but still broken they become.
Who are we when all is said and done?
You act as if it's a compliment
When I say you're good at lies.
Do you see the pain you cause,
the torture and surprise?
You say I am self-righteous now,
Not realizing the point I try to make,
Your heart must be unwavering, decided and true.
Do you not see by my staying
my devotion to you?
I cannot make you want the things that I do.
I give you the rules,
but still broken they become.
Who are we when all is said and done?
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