Me, Others

I remember why I keep it all in as I speak to her. I restate facts, no judgement on my part and she comes to a conclusion as to why a person is the way they are, why they deserve the treatment they are receiving from others. My first response is defense, but I don't say anything, I don't want to argue. Maybe she is right, maybe there are "types," formulas for people and I am just niaeve thinking that circumstances mold people, things change. She said something that made my heart stop. A comment about another deserving what they got, not realizing that that comment could then also apply to me and was incredibly harsh. I thought perhaps the barrier was gone, I am always told I don't talk enough, but now I see my wall must still be built. I am told my thoughts will be respected, but I know otherwise. When you know you are spoken of behind your back as it is, why give more ammo? It makes me sad that I can't ever say what's on my mind when asked and I fear I have given her too much information already that she is wanting to push me in certain directions due to what she knows. I'm really struggling with biting my tongue with several people as of late. It is hard to watch a know-it-all raise a child, someone who is close to you, wants help, but doesn't. Today we went to the store, baby wearing shorts, t-shirt, no socks. Got outside, it was cold. Was he dressed for the weather? No. Ok, but people carry diaper bags with little jackets and extra clothes right? Not her. So he was chattering and shivering for the first half we were in the store. If he gets overstimulated she keeps trying to get him to play with his toys or keeps talking loudly at him instead of picking him up and quieting down, which is what he needs because he is burning out. Most of the time her answer to his cries are to feed him or put him to bed, when he just wants to be held. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I just think there is a way to be more prepared for all situations and a way to better read a babies needs. She keeps trying to fit the baby into her life instead of realizing that she is fitting into the babies life now, her life is changed.

I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut

There are times you should just keep your mouth shut. When your opinions/back log regarding certain things perhaps should not be said. But there is a part of me that thinks that the reactions to ones opinions are just as important. So though a part of me wants to take back thoughts I had, the other thinks it is better that differences are brought to light. I'm feeling solid in my expectations and I don't think I should apologize for that; however, I think I may have gone about it in the wrong way. I'm torn, what should my next move be? Am I a chess piece or is this checkers?

Q&A

How do you get someone to open up that doesn't know how? Or rather, isn't interested? What do you do when subtle hints get you no where and even what seems to you to be an obvious, 'please give me an answer,' kind of a question equals no results? Do you cease to try? And if so, what does that mean? I'm finding that the patience I once had has evaporated. The patience that would enable me to wait longer than I thought possible for the ultimate "payout"; however, waiting created the opposite of what I thought it would, it formed chaos and heartache. At the moment, I feel as if one should do what they say they are going to and not waste my time. I don't know if this impatience is good or not, I recognize it from a very long time ago and I am worried that I have to balance an anti-social me with one that can't be alone.

Does it Feel Like a Monday?

Do you ever feel as if you were once good at something and now fail miserably at it? I am feeling that way regarding several things. Writing being one of them. I know it has to due with being rusty, I don't do it in the capacity I used to. It frustrates me, I don't remember grammer the way I once did and all of my editing books are packed. I'm finding that on a personal level I am also failing at things that I thought I was good at, not sure how I can make sense of that without being specific, the point being...is it like riding a bicycle? Not really, but do you regain it over time and can one become even better than before? Silly question I know, of course you can, if you want to. Or did you have a mask of dillusion before and you never were good to begin with? Does that mean that your perception of yourself has worsened? I don't think mine has, I think I have gained if anything; however, did I ever feel confident in my abilities? I could go around in circles forever. You tell me of the places you've been, people you are meeting and I try to smile for you, but inside I am still squirming and my brain still says, "f****** h***," because we were supposed to be discovering the city together. It was to be an adventure had by us both though I grew up here. I wanted to show you around because every time we have been it seems like a struggle, you had to work or were thinking about work or we got in an argument of sorts. I've lived in your town for several years and I wanted to bring you into mine and now you are seeing it for yourself, it feels odd. I'm anxious for change. Good change. I have been looking for a house, but cannot find one that is bearable. I know I am particular, but that is what got me into the place I called home last time. I don't want to live in an apartment complex, a duplex would be ok, a house ideal. Really need to go shopping, ug dislike shopping, and buy new clothes. My jeans are getting to an inappropriate point due to my weight loss. I was washing my car yesterday and they were falling down to a low that well, let's just say, it's really time I get a new pair of jeans. So...I had a momentary need for Chapstick, pulled out the Burt's Bees and applied it. Now my lips are insanely chapped and I recall this happened last time I used it. It is as if you apply it once and you have to use it for the rest of your life. Really need to figure out what I'm doing with my hair. Last time I was at DP, F asked the bartender why the blonde was ignoring him. I never wanted to be a blonde and here I am being called one. Miss my blue hair, but the upkeep is a bit much. Played Overlord yesterday, cute game. My little minions enjoyed having pumpkin hats as well as leaf ones. Should be productive...what to do today? I think I'll share.

I Feel Like I'm Just Blah Blahing

When we are younger there are certain conversations we wait for, attempt to have, role play and replay; when we get older we realize that with said conversations comes responsibility and change. We might still imagine having them, they sit in our mind playing tag with our other thoughts and linger on our tongue, but once the topic is actually brought up, you are left wondering, how do I really feel about this situation?
Kept trying to convince R to sing Father and Son by Cat Stevens Friday night. He finally did it for me. Family man J bought me a whiskey and I had him come up to sing I Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5. He didn't know that I had put in the song nor did he know the song. He ended up just standing behind me then at one point put his arm around me and said into the microphone, "Hear that honey? She's coming home with us," to his wife who was sitting at our table. That became the joke of the night. G commented that their family gained a new member before he announced the next singer and J later mentioned me going home with them.
A grandmother was dancing her heart out with her grandson which was fun to see, but he was intoxicated and who knows, she may have been tipsy herself. He kept trying to get others to dance, I wouldn't go up with him. I was attempting to sing a song and he came up and was dancing with me and singing at the same time. It was very distracting and I kept laughing. T was in town so she came up and pulled him off of me and started dancing with him, then took him to the bar to try and get him to drink water. Later, she was singing and it seemed as though he was going to leave her alone, because he was dancing with his grandmother, T made sure the second mic was off so he wouldn't interrupt, but no, he started dancing in front of her. I asked R if I had to save her because she saved me, he said he didn't know. I sat there saying, "really? Seriously? Do I have to?" and such, then swore and pulled him off of her. She winked at me and smiled. He was dancing incredibly close, for lack of a better term, grinding if you will. As soon as the song ended T came over, started dancing with me and we walked off the dance floor together. We left him to dance with his grandmother some more, as she didn't seem to mind dancing that close with him nor did another female patron. Now this other female patron was confusing, she was there with a girlfriend and another guy, it was an interesting triangle because I couldn't figure out who was dating whom, each girl seemed like they could be with the guy. But when dancing boy and third wheel girl, as we will call her, got together her girlfriend came over as it looked as though they were about to make-out on the dance floor said, "I don't think so," and dragged her friend back to the table. Leaving dancing boy to find his grandmother again and the one girl telling her friend she was not going to allow her to hook-up with that guy while their "boyfriend" sat in the middle smiling at them both. Are you confused yet? Don't be, just reread it a few times. I apologize, I'm tired and can't figure out a way to be clearer.
R and I discussed his music, I have started on some lyrics though I am not ready to share them yet.
J was in a good mood and stayed longer than he has for awhile. He snuck up behind me when I came in and told me that the first three songs I sang were favorites of his.
Both J's pay/paid attention to what I was drinking which I find entertaining.
Saturday night NY J and I were going to play Hive but we spent the evening trying to get something out of his eye. We went to the store and bought eye wash and flushed it several times, to no avail. After awhile he decided that he wanted to go to urgent care on the base and see if they could help, so we drove over there, went through security (I don't remember having to turn off the headlights when we used to go on base with my grandparents), zipped around to medical and they were closed. By the end of the evening his eye did not look good. I will say that he did go to the base the next day and they were able to get a piece of fluff out that was from his safety goggles from when he was airsofting.
I want to keep writing, but I'm tired...

Wednesday, Wednesday

Arrive to empty tables, silence. Then M and I begin to enter songs. I decide to mainly "suicide" the night. Slowly, other people begin to show up. M keeps asking me what has changed, apparently I have an "aura" about me. He is on high flirt mode. He notices when I am not there. Tells me things that lets me know he is getting attached in some way or another.
R joins us as does his friend J (yet another J). T gives me "eyebrows" from one table over, then comes over and asks if I am going to sing, R jumps in with a reply as he put in a song for me. M keeps touching my hair, saying various flirtatious things and asking me out. J and R get in an inappropriate tangent - I give J a look, he tells me R started it. R is feisty this evening.
M buys me a beer and we all continue singing. Wanted my J to venture out, but he has work in the morning. Thought my family would be coming, but they did not.
R momentarily leaves my table, goes to E's table where her kids were drawing before they left, comes back, "here I drew this for you," setting a small, crayon drawing of an alligator down.
Karaoke ends. R invites me to his house to listen to tracks he has made, he would like someone to write lyrics for him. I would love to write lyrics. He would like to get a cd made this year, perhaps play at the fair. I listen to a couple of songs, he pours us whiskey, I exit.

A Scone

So...once upon a time I had an amazing scone. It had butter inside and when the barista warmed it up the butter melted Mmm Mmm Mmm. I have been wondering where those darn scones were located for a very long time now and just discovered through another media platform that they were in Kansas. Sad panda. Someday scone, I will eat you again...you were one good scone. P.S. The new Blogger does not seem to like paragraphs. I'm not sure how to handle this situation.

Bah Humbug

I did not realize I ever had comments on my blog until a couple of minutes ago. Now I feel inept and a little bit like a jerk. I apologize to those who made comments and it seemed as though I was ignoring you. Sadness doesn't get one anywhere, yet the feeling follows with disappointment from not getting from the "look what I can do" academy to "you wish you could do what I can do" lifestyle upgrade. My abundance of confidence does seem to have a limit and once reached, it starts deflating like a balloon. There are only so many jobs to be turned down from, so many hardwood floors/stainless steel appliances you can't afford, gas receipts to look at, before you start to wonder why the heck you are even trying anymore. Then you go to bed and do it all over again. Why? Because you have to. You sit at a bar and the next person you meet you want to say, "Hi, I'm Sally," in a British accent and you want to talk about how you work in a steel mill and you live with your dog Frank and you are deathly afraid of worms, but you don't. Why? Because it would be weird and you just can't do it. You see people going in and out of their homes, saying goodbye to their families, going to their regular daily jobs, and you wonder what you did to get dealt the hand you have. Seriously, what the heck did I do to deserve this?