Time Keeps on Changing

I'm not ok. I keep trying to tell you something is wrong and I can't find it. In some respects I feel better than I have in awhile and in others...not so.
Conversations of moving...I'm anxious. And scared. I don't know if I will be making a huge mistake. I'm worried I won't like who I will become if I'm not here, that I won't have a good job or make people proud or do what I think is important. I hate change and I'm scared.
I started cleaning out my office today. Went through files to make sure I didn't leave any notes that were irrelevant or would put me in a bad light, took my notebooks and a few things that I brought from home back with me.
My stomach has been in knots and I haven't felt well since the prospect of moving began, but there is this part of me yearning for an adventure and knowing I can't grow here.

Monkey Bay

You're doing it again. A nice weekend...then silence. I drank too much. Wine bottle, minus one glass. You text me, you are having dinner with your family. Why didn't you invite me like the old days? You set me up for a relationship where you had to see me every day, now almost five years, you don't feel the need to see me that often. But you have gotten me addicted, my habit every day, you pull away. I put the trash on the curb, can't walk straight, lots of neighbors out, hope no one noticed. What's happening to me? I miss you. I want you here.

I Want and I Don't

How can I explain how I am feeling? I can't. I stand next to you, hold your hand, it feels right. But there are silent pauses...when I get off of work and you are not here...and I cry. I cry when no one is watching. I cry alone in my room, I cry when I am sitting in my office. I want you to feel how I feel, I want you to understand how you can trust someone more than yourself and then...lose it all.
I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and have it feel like it used to feel, but when you kiss me I think of someone else's lips on yours.
You think distance may solve the feeling, but when I am away from you my mind wanders to places I don't want it to go. It's safer when you are near.
I want to trust you are working when you say you are, I want to trust that the girls in your phone and on the internet mean nothing.
I want to trust that when we are alone in bed, you are thinking of me and not her...
I don't know how to get over this...I don't know if I should, but I'm trying.
You get frustrated, thinking I should be over it by now...do you really think it is that simple? When you give everything to someone hoping for the same in return and they tell you that you have the same, time after time when you wonder why they stayed out late at night? To learn that all of those questions that were answered, were answered with lies?
I wish my brother were here. I wish he would let me cry in his arms, I wish he would fix it. I feel alone. I am inside my head with thoughts I don't want to have, thoughts that won't go away. I want answers...and I don't.
I love you...and I hate you.

The Truth

You are sleeping in the other room.
My mind is a mess that I'm trying to keep contained. You finally told me why our engagements kept being broken...you allowed your physical wants to get the better of you and had a one night stand. So I got drunk. Two nights in a row, first time to pass out.
I want to make things work, but is it because I'm stubborn? Is it because I don't want to be alone? It can't be...others offer me their bed and I turn them down.
I felt good today. Sober. Happy. I wasn't thinking. Then at dinner we had too long of a silence and it all came back to me...the images, the questions, the sadness.
Can I find something good in it all? Does this mean you won't cheat if we marry because you have already "been there, done that?" Will you find another reason for us not to wed?
Perhaps the worst part is that I gave you everything, expecting that in return. I am already slow to trust, will this make it even harder?
The questions...that's the worst part...inside my head.

It's the month of our weather, we should be together.

Without A Word The Day Goes By

Are you still mine? I feel so alone. Not a sound, a note, a Redbull. I see traces of conversations you have with someone else, I feel invisible. I want to sleep until you wake me. I hate getting up day after day knowing I won't see you, talk to you, feel you. I am not me without you. You leave this week for San Francisco, you will be busy and in a different city. Please don't do something that could ruin us more than this separation.
I am so terrified that you will forget me. You will forget us, what we have. I worry that if I don't stay in-front of you you will get busy and forget how it feels to be together, so you won't miss us anymore.
I'm staying busy, having people over, going out. I went to Arnies, it wasn't the same without you.
It's promising a storm outside, its our weather.

28 Days Later

It's been over a month of indecision and loneliness. We have spent one day a week together and a couple this past. Then...nothing. You disappear without a word, without a text or call reply. I worry you aren't ok, but know that you do this often. I feel like I'm being subjected to "cry wolf." One day you will disappear and something will be wrong, but I won't know until later.
I just saw a tweet you sent, you are out, you are fine. I am here. Do you realize how much it hurts when you disappear?