Babies

Twelve hours later...a boy was born. So my thoughts on this process...the initial reason to induce was because they were tired of waiting for the baby to come naturally. But due to his size and my sisters blood pressure the doctor wanted to do it as well. They were admitted around 6 a.m. the ball got rolling around 8. When she started to feel contractions she didn't like them so she asked for the epidural, the rest of the day if she felt some pain she would hit a button and the pain meds would make it go away. She began to feel some pain in her back that the epidural was not resolving so she asked for additional pain killers, which they supplied her. She was numb and couldn't move her legs. Due to this she couldn't walk or roll from side to side which delayed the birth. You could monitor her contractions on a screen and she would just lay there, talking through them. Her husband was bored, there was no comforting going on, they weren't excited that they were about to become a family. She delivered at 6:12 p.m.
Due to the epidural, she couldn't push so it was between a c-section or "vacuuming" him out. She went with the later. This causes the baby to have a temporary, misshaped head and may cause them to have a headache. He was very quiet, but he was also on all of the pain meds she was on, so it will take a couple of days for them to run through his system.
Two women in rooms on either side of her had natural childbirths and you could hear them screaming for about 20 - 30 minutes, then you heard the sound of the infants.
Observation & conversation: from the women I have talked to and seen those that have had a natural childbirth versus those that have had an epidural/"the easy way" are more excited and connected to their children and their husbands are as well. They are amazed by the little life not wondering who to send a message to on Facebook and when they are getting back to work. So I can only conclude that the way to go is hold out as long as possible, get pissed off that something hurts that much, and make sure to get the epidural before it's too late, but not so soon that you miss the experience.
I'm getting attached to the name David Asahel. David means beloved, Asahel means created by G-d. In the bible David was Asahel's uncle. I cannot remember if David was a good person...there is The Star of David. And in my life Asahel was used several times within the family.
I cannot wait to have a home. I'm in limbo and it's getting to me.

Hello Tile, Hello Sink

I sit in the bathroom and cry, typing text messages I do not send. Last night - I call, you do not answer. I ask you questions, you don't respond. I feel so alone. I want you to hug me. I want to lay on the bed next to you, hear your heartbeat as my head lays upon your chest, your arm around me, your warm lips kissing my face, feel your toes touching mine. I want everything where it should be. I want us out of this fucking state that has drained me of every ounce of happiness to where all I feel is sorrow.
My mom and I aren't getting along, not really. We have conversations where she starts to justify things to me and I get frustrated, it's fine if you want to do something or if you have an opinion, but don't tell me why it's right. Inside my head I struggle with not telling people to stop justifying their actions as they speak to me. With my mother, I get quiet during this time or make a snotty comment that makes us want to take a discussion break. I know this is partially due to what you and I are going through, but it doesn't make it go away.
I have to be up early tomorrow, about the time I fall asleep, my sister is inducing labor at 6 a.m. and we are driving to OKC. Seeing the little one and driving back to be out of the way as my brother-in-law's parents arrive.
I completed lesson one in my new classical roots vocab book, tonight I will do lesson two. I don't want to, but sometimes that's when you need to do something the most. I don't want to be this inept forever. As a child I would take a dictionary to bed and try to learn new words, I loved them.
I found out I have been taking the wrong dose of my migraine meds which is why my headaches are back, I have been taking two pills less than I am supposed to. I don't know when I started disobeying the directions, it was quite awhile ago and I don't know why, but I have started back on the correct dose. Downfall, I can expect to feel even more "out of my head" than I already do.
I don't know how you are getting through day by day not talking to me. Do I love you more than you love me? Are you spending your time with another? I can still picture your face, our intimate moments, but they are beginning to fade, I keep trying to remember so that they don't. I hate being apart.

Sleep Eludes Me

I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn, my brain a wheel of thoughts, my heart a place for emotions until three or four in the morning. My eyes grow tired of screens after one, so I just lay there. Everything is tangled in a vine of uncertainty and I want someone, no, you, to tell me it will be ok. But I don't want false words riding on a tongue of hope, I want an imaginary lightning bolt of knowing to strike your meaning and for it to be everlasting. Too fluffy right? Probably. I want to live in that world for awhile though, even though it doesn't exist and cannot be found.
I know exactly what I want you to do and I struggle with not telling you daily, because I think to myself, how amazing it would feel, how much stronger we would be, if you thought of it on your own. So instead I cry. I have lost my faith where I believe that things work out for the best no matter how and now each day is terrifying. I keep waiting for my "and that is my G-d" moment to come as they used to do, but how can I receive positive energy when I am not sending it?
My mom keeps telling me that it's fine if you come over, she doesn't consider it her house now. I think she believes you are trying to stay out of the way due to the past awkwardness. She said she feels like she is getting in the way and throwing us off of our normal routine. How sad to all be under one roof, but as adults and we have so much burdening us. She is not doing well. She hasn't been telling me what's going on because she doesn't want me to worry, but I told her I worry more when she doesn't talk. She can't drive anymore, she can't open lids, she can't go downstairs. It's in her nerves. If it is what a couple of our relatives had, in a few years she will have to be in a wheelchair. I see her daily struggles. She thinks she is useless now, understandable she has been the "doer" of the family, constantly moving, fixing, evolving, managing. But even though she can't run around as she once did, I hear the familiar sound of text messages from the other room, she is keeping my sister sane as she grows impatient for her pregnancy to be over, and she keeps my dad going when he gets too lonely. The amazingly selfish part of me sees how this grandchild will be too hard for her to enjoy and I think, by the time I have a child, she might not be able to lift her arms. Meanwhile, my father needs knee surgery and I have to play the waiting game to find out if I have cancer. Why is life this complicated?

Sooner Rather than Later

I don't like change, we know this, it seems I may be forced into it sooner rather than later which may be the way to go as I may never have made the move on my own otherwise. My family is planning on renting a house up north, renting the one here and having our belongings moved up there, perhaps set in motion to where I will be driving up next month as I will no longer be able to live here.
Which makes me wonder...what of us? Are you out there trying to "get your shit together" or are you doing more of the same, pooling events together that will become strings of lies? I wish you were communicating more, even if you weren't getting responses. I wish I knew you were out there as much as you know I am.
I keep thinking of our intimate moments, that so many couples lack. I miss you. I miss us.

Are You Out There?

No email, no text from you saying, "I miss you," "I love you," "I'm going to fix things and make this work, you'll see," nothing...and so I try very hard not to completely break down, wondering, did you mean all of the things you said or did you say what I wanted to hear? You told me when you had decided you wanted to be with me forever, but it was not you who brought us back together, forced an uncomfortable conversation. When you are gone, do you ever return? Or do you wait until it's too late? I have always been terrified of people leaving, it sucks when they don't fight to come back either, it makes you question if they ever really cared. Because if you think the other person wants space, isn't there a part of you that wants to make sure that they know you are there? That you both will be ok together in the end?
Family name, Asahel (pronounced Az ah hel), hebrew, in the bible it was David's sisters son, he was noted as being swift of foot and valiant. I think it would be a good name for my son. Crazy right, to keep planning for a family I can't seem to get to.
A couple of weeks ago I put math programs on my iPad, I need to remember what I once learned, to obtain a job and so that I can confidently homeschool. I recently bought a couple of math books and vocabulary work books, an investment in my future, at least that's what I told myself when I saw how much I had spent. B&N had a children's book of scary stories that I had growing up, it is an "I Can Read" book for ages 5-8. I was so excited, I had to get it for my children. It has the story of the girl with the green ribbon.
I haven't been watching Breaking Bad or Hotel Babylon. I want to lay next to you and watch them with you and the fact that you aren't here to do that with makes me cry.

An Instant of Happiness, Now a Broken Heart

I missed your call, then I was supposed to call you back in a couple of minutes which turned out to be over an hour later, no answer. I thought you must have made plans, I was disappointed. Then a text, you wanted to stop by and what's this, you had a surprise? You were there within minutes and my heart began to flutter as it always does when I see you, I get excited like I'm going on a first date, after all of these years you still make me feel that way. You brought me new Magic cards, a great surprise, you haven't surprised me like that in so long. I thought you would want to leave after handing them over, that you had plans or simply did not want to be at the "awkward house," but you wanted to stay. I was happy, genuinely happy. I wanted to keep kissing you. I wanted to sit next to you and hold your hand and tell you I love you. I was exhausted before, but now I wanted to stay up with you.
Then your phone buzzed, Words with Friends, you say a woman's name. My heart sank. I struggled. I am glad you were honest and said who it was, but how many times have I asked for the full list of players and you have only given me men's names? The rest of our Magic game I was distracted, I couldn't stop thinking. And I'm pissed off that my happiness could be taken away so quickly. You asked if I wanted to play again and I thought, "yes, if I hadn't just found out that you lied again." Your reason for not telling me the truth? You knew it would upset me. A good rule of thumb, if you know it is going to upset someone, especially your significant other, it is probably a bad idea in the first place and a worse idea if you can't tell them.
Today my heart hurts, literally and figuratively. I feel as though it is in a very tight space. My mom keeps asking if I'm ok and if she can do anything. She doesn't know what's going on, I wont talk about it, but I can't fake happiness and I had a headache most of the day.
I told you how to start regaining my trust, I told you to honestly try to stop smoking, no porn, that you can't communicate with women until boundaries are set and we are ok, and you would rather lie to me than save our relationship. I'm worried if I don't keep fighting for us, you'll give up and that's a shitty way to feel. I've fought for us for almost six years, through your numerous disappearances and I fear that if I have one of my own that you will move on to someone else within a couple of days. I don't want to think like that, I want to know your mine, but you have given me so many fears. I want to know that if I'm too tired to fight, that you will be there to pick up the slack. I want to know you are all in, even when I'm struggling with being so. Because if you can't be faithful in those times as well, we never have a shot, especially at a successful marriage.
I feel so alone. I'm tired of crying when no one is in the room. I wanted us to get married and have kids and you keep flipping me the bird regarding an adult relationship. So I lay in bed hugging your pillow, feeling like my heart is going to explode, scared that everything I ever wanted for us is slipping through my fingers.

Things That Make Me Happy

List One:

1. Poptarts
2. A triple, venti, peppermint, mocha, stirred
3. Clean sheets
4. Babies
5. People watching
6. Surprise presents
7. Not being hungry all day, I feel like I'm losing weight while not doing anything
8. Singing
9. Writing
10. Having to wake up in the middle of the night to get a poem written before it flees from my head
11. Jumping in water with my clothes on
12. Standing in the rain
13. Holding hands
14. Feeling my brother beside me
15. Conquering unhappy emotions
16. My ability to stop self mutilation even when the urge is overwhelming, but my mind wins over and I am glad to know that I have the ability to say no to my wants in a moment when it isn't good for me in the long run
17. My car, talking to her when she is running hard or we haven't seen each other for awhile
18. My bottom lip, I happen to think it's sexy