An Instant of Happiness, Now a Broken Heart

I missed your call, then I was supposed to call you back in a couple of minutes which turned out to be over an hour later, no answer. I thought you must have made plans, I was disappointed. Then a text, you wanted to stop by and what's this, you had a surprise? You were there within minutes and my heart began to flutter as it always does when I see you, I get excited like I'm going on a first date, after all of these years you still make me feel that way. You brought me new Magic cards, a great surprise, you haven't surprised me like that in so long. I thought you would want to leave after handing them over, that you had plans or simply did not want to be at the "awkward house," but you wanted to stay. I was happy, genuinely happy. I wanted to keep kissing you. I wanted to sit next to you and hold your hand and tell you I love you. I was exhausted before, but now I wanted to stay up with you.
Then your phone buzzed, Words with Friends, you say a woman's name. My heart sank. I struggled. I am glad you were honest and said who it was, but how many times have I asked for the full list of players and you have only given me men's names? The rest of our Magic game I was distracted, I couldn't stop thinking. And I'm pissed off that my happiness could be taken away so quickly. You asked if I wanted to play again and I thought, "yes, if I hadn't just found out that you lied again." Your reason for not telling me the truth? You knew it would upset me. A good rule of thumb, if you know it is going to upset someone, especially your significant other, it is probably a bad idea in the first place and a worse idea if you can't tell them.
Today my heart hurts, literally and figuratively. I feel as though it is in a very tight space. My mom keeps asking if I'm ok and if she can do anything. She doesn't know what's going on, I wont talk about it, but I can't fake happiness and I had a headache most of the day.
I told you how to start regaining my trust, I told you to honestly try to stop smoking, no porn, that you can't communicate with women until boundaries are set and we are ok, and you would rather lie to me than save our relationship. I'm worried if I don't keep fighting for us, you'll give up and that's a shitty way to feel. I've fought for us for almost six years, through your numerous disappearances and I fear that if I have one of my own that you will move on to someone else within a couple of days. I don't want to think like that, I want to know your mine, but you have given me so many fears. I want to know that if I'm too tired to fight, that you will be there to pick up the slack. I want to know you are all in, even when I'm struggling with being so. Because if you can't be faithful in those times as well, we never have a shot, especially at a successful marriage.
I feel so alone. I'm tired of crying when no one is in the room. I wanted us to get married and have kids and you keep flipping me the bird regarding an adult relationship. So I lay in bed hugging your pillow, feeling like my heart is going to explode, scared that everything I ever wanted for us is slipping through my fingers.