Are You Out There?

No email, no text from you saying, "I miss you," "I love you," "I'm going to fix things and make this work, you'll see," nothing...and so I try very hard not to completely break down, wondering, did you mean all of the things you said or did you say what I wanted to hear? You told me when you had decided you wanted to be with me forever, but it was not you who brought us back together, forced an uncomfortable conversation. When you are gone, do you ever return? Or do you wait until it's too late? I have always been terrified of people leaving, it sucks when they don't fight to come back either, it makes you question if they ever really cared. Because if you think the other person wants space, isn't there a part of you that wants to make sure that they know you are there? That you both will be ok together in the end?
Family name, Asahel (pronounced Az ah hel), hebrew, in the bible it was David's sisters son, he was noted as being swift of foot and valiant. I think it would be a good name for my son. Crazy right, to keep planning for a family I can't seem to get to.
A couple of weeks ago I put math programs on my iPad, I need to remember what I once learned, to obtain a job and so that I can confidently homeschool. I recently bought a couple of math books and vocabulary work books, an investment in my future, at least that's what I told myself when I saw how much I had spent. B&N had a children's book of scary stories that I had growing up, it is an "I Can Read" book for ages 5-8. I was so excited, I had to get it for my children. It has the story of the girl with the green ribbon.
I haven't been watching Breaking Bad or Hotel Babylon. I want to lay next to you and watch them with you and the fact that you aren't here to do that with makes me cry.