Alone

I feel utterly alone. I try to decide what stays, what goes. I try to handle the emotional turmoil I am going through, because though people say they are there for me they are running in their own direction of issues. Tomorrow will make it exactly one week before I depart and will set in motion a series of stressful events that take place when one is preparing to move. I'm tired and overwhelmed and lonely.

My Tears Misread

Is it so hard to satisfy your senses
You found out to love me
You have to climb some fences
Scratching and crawling along the floor to touch you

And just when it feels right
You say you found someone to hold you
Does she like I do?

Baby, tell me does she love you
Like the way I love you?
Does she stimulate you
Attract and captivate you?

Tell me does she miss you
Existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do?

Tell me does she want you
Infatuate and haunt you?
Does she know just how to shock you
Electrify and rock you?

Does she inject you
Seduce you and affect you?
Like the way I do, like the way I do

Can I survive all
The implications even if I tried?
Could you be less than an addiction?

Don't you think I know there's so many others
Who would beg, steal and lie, fight, kill and die
Just to hold you, hold you like I do

Baby, tell me does she love you
Like the way I love you?
Does she stimulate you
Attract and captivate you?

Tell me does she miss you
Existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do?

Tell me does she want you
Infatuate and haunt you?
Does she know just how to shock you
Electrify and rock you?

Does she inject you
Seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do?

Nobody loves you
Like the way I do
Nobody wants you
Like the way I do

Nobody needs you
Like the way I do
Nobody aches, nobody aches
Just to hold you
Like the way I do
~

We met for a coffee approximately a week ago, had dinner, then drove around thinking of children's names. It was nice. "Normal," can it be called that? I'm not sure other unwed couples drive around thinking of their unborn children, but it made me happy to think of a joyful future. Maybe we could teach our kids not to screw things up so badly or to have coping skills we don't. Then another week passed without seeing you.
Last night you came by, we were ok and then your phone buzzed and when you looked at it you turned it so as to hide the screen from me, much like you often do, but the secrets are exhausting me. You ran into an old friend and you went to see a "flame" to try and put some things to rest for yourself. I was tired last night, in-between wanting to cry and fall asleep. You mistook my "tears" for the fact you went. I'm upset not because you went, I understand needing to close relationships, but rather the timing and that you couldn't discuss it with me. I'm starting to seriously question who I am with you. You will finally tell me something and say that you weren't sure how I would take it, if I would break up with you or hit you and I'm starting to wonder...am I really that irrational? Is it that you think that whatever you do isn't a big deal and am I overreacting? There are some things I know I am not going over-the-top about and my opinion will not change, but others...I'm getting confused. But the problem lies within lies, every little thing I have to gear myself up to be something more. The girl who waved? Might not be just the girl who waved. Your phone that buzzes at midnight might not be just another alert. That phone number in your recent call list? She might not be a girl you were just talking to, you might have slept with her. Unfortunately, I've been trained very well to take normal everyday interactions and blow them up into something more. As for my request, is it really that hard to back off from female relationships for awhile so we can pull ourselves back together? You asked what you could do and now you won't do it, it seems the forever you want doesn't mean a lifetime because you are only building temporary trust and breaking it.
We aren't ever going to be ok if you don't learn to include me: Rachel sent a funny email about zombies, want to see it? Lily made a move on Words with Friends, want to help me with my word? Sharon and I have a business lunch, brad can't go, do you want to join us?
If you keep living a separate life where I don't know what you are doing inside your phone or in the world without me and people know I exist, but they never see me, you leave us open to several situations like before. You wondered how my parents have survived, because my dads friends and coworkers know who my mom is and vice versa, they are real people to them and therefor people don't want to get in-between their relationship.
I have an amazing amount of energy for three hours of sleep, the crash is not going to be good...

Today I Feel Sorry For Myself

I am so tired. I shut down at eight-thirty last night, not that I slept, I just couldn't take in any more input. Dust is starting to settle on my desk, I see it from where I sit each morning and each night and yet I don't have the will to do something about it. I feel like I'm starving all the time, partially due to my lack of actual nourishment and also, a familiar foe, comfort food. There is a change this time; however, I recognize that I am stressing and therefor my brain seeks the kitchen as there is no one to keep me occupied. So instead, I attempt staying busy and when that doesn't work, sit in my room, my blood sugar drops, my stomach feels as though it is eating itself and I tell myself it's all in my head.
Where is my person that will drive for hours bar hopping to find me when I've "shut the world out"? Where is my "are you ok" text? I'm lonely, I feel like crap and my life sucks. That's how I feel right now.

Hello Pillow, Can I Have A Z?

I drag myself out of bed in the morning, one foot in front of the other. I'm told I look tired, I'm asked if I'm ok. I toss and turn at night. I take a shower. Show my little sister how to make Malt 'O Meal. I grade her classwork from the previous day so that she can begin the next lesson once we have reviewed. Afterwards, she does a chore then is free to watch a movie or play my PS2 while I pack boxes. When the day is done there is no other option, but to sleep, wake up and do it all over again.
My mom is in OKC this week. I was there a couple of days, but the interactions were frustrating me. I do miss the little one though. I met with the moving company yesterday, I'm afraid I did not pack my boxes well enough for such a lengthy travel.
I'm overwhelmed.
Without my mother knowing anything she said that we aren't really dating, that hurt, but probably more so because it's true. I don't understand a relationship where you don't see each other and you don't talk. You wondered how my parents relationship survived while they were in separate states, they communicated. Which brings me to four paths: you want to break-up with me but don't want to hurt my feelings, you're seeing someone else, you did something stupid and are avoiding telling me, your combination of meds isn't helping and you should see your doctor.
The red head at Starbucks, I keep feeling there is more to that story...probably because there is always more to your stories than what you initially tell me. First you had forgotten to tell me that she was flirting with you so you left SB, then we meet up on another day and she supposedly takes a photo of us/you on her phone and you mention it is the same girl. I've done a lot of random things, but they made more sense than that. Considering your inability to say no, I'm starting to wonder if you gave her your phone number and she wanted an assigned photo once she saw you. If it had been an actual camera it would not be so out of place, but due to the fact she used her phone, she opened a can of worms.
I wonder why every major change in my life is at the same time you are utterly depressed? When neither one can help the other.