F U All

I'm sad and pissed and so many emotions, all stemming from one phone call that is erupting into me disliking several things.

I cannot believe the childish games played due to the fact I have the ability to say, "no." I am frustrated by the back and forth taunts of "we should," then being blown-off, when I am not instigating in the first place. And I am pissed off by the secrets still being kept when the old ones have destroyed so much trust already.

If I were a cockroach I would find some beer and drown in it. Are all people created equal? Please tell me this isn't true.

I can't believe I still can't find a job. I'm going to have to resort to selling my eggs, which won't work, because I want to use them and well, I don't want to share. Sigh. I'm not in a good space. I want to get in the car and drive, but I know that is a bad idea, because I'm not sure I would come back with how I'm feeling right now.

Three Guys And A Girl

Karaoke Friday night, was feeling sad again. Wasn't putting in songs so R randomly inserted me and we would decide on the song when it was my turn. J with the wife and daughter was told to "save me" by his wife as I was surrounded by teenagers. He bought me a second gin and tonic when mine ran out and told me I need to sing more often. We discussed jobs and locations a little, we used to live around the same area. R's wife ended up joining me towards the latter part of the evening. Cook J was in a good mood, but did not stay. I attempted a few songs I did not know, one was a success when R accompanied me, another a complete "suicide," as we call it.

Last night I went to DP, per what is now becoming my Saturday routine. I was feeling very unkempt, but did not feel like putting in the effort. Had a busy day in Anacortes. I recognized a car in the distance, my usual parking spot was taken, I thought to myself, "that figures, you show up when I look like crap. Why weren't you here the other night?" I wonder if you are in another establishment, just taunting me with the presence of your car. I enter DP, see you, then wonder if you are with someone. What to do? Sit at the bar per usual? Say hello? I order a drink, decide on hello. The people I usually interact with are not there.

Later, B shows up to play pool at the table near us. Should I introduce you? I don't know. Feels weird. Mentioned you the first night B and I met.

We attempt conversation over loud music. I don't know what you want me to do or say. Due to my personality I still want to fix everything for you, but I have realized I cannot no matter how hard I want to. You have to fix you. Do you want to? I know you can if the want is strong enough.

I recognize a shirt at the bar and start swearing in my head. Do you notice?

You are tired and want to leave. I ask you to stay longer. You don't realize it was for a multitude of reasons. I like the fact you went out of your way looking for a fight, though I don't think you should punch him. The bruises are fading. I want to tell you and I don't.

Glad you came. It's a nice feeling, having you come my way. I always come yours and wonder if you ever would have come mine if I had waited or if you would just let me go. Thank you.

Poem 4/14/12

A polarized spring bucket loaded to my heart

You tug in one direction, trying to pull us apart

One day I feel relief, you are here in my arms

Another you are gone, I am searching for your charms

You say the right thing, I think all is well

Then just as soon you vanish, leaving me in Hell

I drive my car to find you, a pattern always kept

But now I wait for you to find me, through these tears I've wept

Show me that you want this, that it is you and me

I know we can make it, forever and always it's supposed to be.

You Don't Respond Anymore

I have the day off. I'm at home cleaning with my mom and sister. I should be preparing the house for my husband, calling to see when you are getting off work so I can plan dinner. But you are there and I am here. Our communication does not coincide nor do you speak directly to me, not for my lack of trying. Talked about you at work the other day, told the "girls" how you always did the cooking when we were in Tulsa. Missing you. Hurts.

A Little Optimism Can Go A Long Way

I am back to "my project" and feeling more confident. I enjoy prioritizing, reaching out to the buyer and various other people to obtain information or communicate needs. It's not that I didn't see the importance of the other project, I just feel more at home with this one. My "boss" for the last project came over to my desk the other day to thank me for my help, it was really nice.
I still want to strangle whoever thought not making packs and inners straight forward on both the price pages and new item forms was ok, because it makes things rather complicated, but hopefully nothing detrimental will happen if there is an error on my part lol.
The computers had a hiccup today, things slowed way down, I couldn't save to the server or print and whenever I tried to save the computer just made temp files that did not accomplish anything. I went to the IT department for assistance, but found out it was an issue that was not only my own. I saved to the desktop and then P came by and asked me if things were better, that I should have access to the servers again. I was in the middle of a task and did not check, but he sent me an email while I was at lunch asking if everything was working for me. I stated that it was, he responded, "If you need aaaaanything else, let me know." I sent him an email asking for a pony. He said if he had an extra one he would definetly kick it my way. I'm a little concerned that he would kick a pony (shrug).
Had lunch with the "girls" and an entertaining conversation with J from IT about apples and knives. He swore there were not any knives in the kitchen yesterday, but I think it was just because I was distracting him with a Blair Witch reference and he was getting frustrated due to the fact we were talking about the computers he had set up that we were no longer going to be using. Anywho, today the drawer was full of knives and we were talking about their possible removal for the safety of an employee. He mentioned a lock being put on the drawer, having to pick it or go to loss prevention for assistance. We are a comical group.
I'm not feeling as negative about the job "let down" as before. It's pretty fantastic that I was up against one other person when you think about it and that the VP could not decide and wanted to just hire us both. Here is to hoping that they can work something out and offer me a position soon!

Too Tired To Be Pleasant

I cannot fill this void I feel
I want to hide away
I hear the lost whisper of your voice
Don't tell me silence is your choice
~

I don't know how to stay positive if this is how things are going to continue going. The project at work...again, I didn't feel as confident as the other temp and the sections I did whiz through occurred after our supervisor left, fabulous. I always seem to struggle when there is an audience. They said they no longer needed me, they are keeping the other temp. I am returning to my original department, thank goodness I have some work. I also found out that the VP could not decide between me and another for the full-time position and went with the other as they have PM experience. However, he really wants to hire me, he is not sure in what capacity or if they have the budget though so they asked that I be patient and they will try and make me an offer in a couple of weeks. I don't know how to feel about that. I want to be thankful, but I'm just sad that I didn't get an offer. Yay me for having a pity party. I think I'm overly tired. Have tried to have lunch with my lunch buddy the last two days and keep zoning out while he is talking. I had a nice lunch Friday with three women from the office, we all walked to the store together and ate in the "cafeteria." I randomly thought of that because of the topic of lunch.

My sister will be up here next month. She had two showings and someone made an offer on her house, lucky! I will get to finally see my nephew who is....six months? He is already doing so much on his own. They grow up too fast.

Random

Are you going to the bar too much when your bartender comments on your steampunk jewelry (nope), knows what drink to grab you when you come in (probably...) or when you both are calling each other lovey? (um...)

I have reminders of this weekend that don't want to go away. Physical and mental. It's my fault and I can't really explain how I feel about it. I randomly cry because things are really not going the way I envisioned them a couple of months ago, heck a couple of weeks ago, and well, it sucks. I'm trying to stay positive for once, but I'm tired, sore and bruised. I miss my best friend and love.

I started my new assignment today which was with another temp and ended up being awkward, we got along, the work just wasn't clicking so I didn't go away feeling accomplished. I had my second interview which I believe went well, I was told I was definetly qualified and that they would let me know. He did have me fill out a background check, so here is to hoping!

Apology Accepted?

J from DP texted me this evening apologizing for last night/this morning. Said that that was very unlike him. Do I believe that? Not really.
Begin my new temp assignment tomorrow. I will have two desks within the company, as my old department wants to see if they can share me. Also, I have a second interview. Wish me luck!

A Poem

I let someone in I shouldn't have,
I have the bruise to prove it.

My heart is waiting for the one who locked it in a chest.
He keeps it with him at all times and never lets me rest,
By telling me that all is well and we will pass this test.

If he were there I would not have faltered,
This battle wound I would not bear.
Yet somewhere else he still stands,
Until he shows he cares.

I Like the Night Life?

B was supposed to text me when he woke up, but didn't hear from him. Went to Little Mountain Park with the family during the day and took a hike in the woods and looked out at the amazing view (a little scary from up there). Then I went to Draft Pics when night hit. I was in an overly confident mood, which may have been a bad thing. I was sporting my new Lip Service jacket, my makeup was done rather well and my hair was curled, which I have been getting a lot of compliments on.
Draft Pics J was there, as opposed to the various other J's I know. We didn't actually say hello right away just waved, he was with a group of people, so we sent text messages back and forth. Weird, yes I know. It was his birthday.
After awhile B showed up, he looked surprised to see me, made his rounds saying hello to people, then sat next to me. He had had a bad day. We played pool, he attempted showing me how to make some nice shots, which I kept flubbing up and then he had to go.
I sat back at the bar where a guy from Delaware said I looked bored, then told the bartender to get me another drink on him. He asked where my husband was, then where my ten boyfriends were, then where my girlfriend was. He introduced himself and then returned to his gang of friends.
J came and sat next to me and proceeded to tell me how people kept buying him drinks for his birthday and he was bound to do something he probably shouldn't do because of it, that he gets very grabby when he is drunk. He had to return to his table of friends in the other room and left his drink. Time passes. I text J telling him he left his drink, he says he knows, to save it for him. The bartender asks me where he went, I tell him he is coming back, the bartender tells me he just fell down the stairs a minute ago.
A guy a few chairs down from me smiles, signals asking if he can sit next to me, I nod yes. Introduces himself, he asks if I like the Sounders. We attempt a conversation. Then J pops up out of no where, sits next to me and says he's sorry, that he shouldn't leave things behind, because anyone can just come and sit next to you or some such. I try and juggle two conversations at once, a sober conversation to the right of me, a drunk, grabby birthday boy to the left.
M comes in, introduces me to a friend of his. I give him my free gin and tonic, I can't drink anymore. Birthday boy goes back to his friends which leaves a straight shot for F to see me: 65, veteran, lives across the street. He doesn't remember he already talked to me last time. He brings up some of the same things...but adds that when I get tired of the young boys I can come to him. I can't seem to hold a conversation with the sober-ish person to my right, he momentarily disappeared while J had my attention.
M stands in front of "Sounders" seat. I see Sounder again, excuse myself and go to apologize due to the distractions of birthday boy. We decide to sit back in our spot again. M comes back around when he is leaving, asks if B was there and if I got to talk to him, tells me he will talk to me later.
2 a.m. hits, I jump up so as not to annoy the bartenders. Sounders asks if I'm leaving, I say yes. I head outside. M is still there. He is wearing his taco shirt, tells the people outside I was the one to see him win. Decides to pick me up. Ask J if he needs a ride, why? Because I temporarily forgot who I was. Delaware group is standing outside, asks what I'm up to. Says I should come to the Best Western hotel for an after party. Bring my girlfriend. ? I didn't know I had one.
J needs a ride, but follows a friend to their car to say goodbye. I head to mine. As I'm standing outside my car Sounders walks by, we make remarks, then a car full of people pulls up, Delaware group, not the guy who bought me the drink, but his friend asks if I am coming to the hotel. I say I'm not sure. He tells me I should, it will be a lot of fun and they will have beer. Tells me the room number again. Asks if my friend will be joining me, see Sounder walking off in the distance. Tries to convince me to come again, then they drive off.
I sit in my car, then hear a rapping, Sounder is standing outside my passenger side window. I open the door, he gets in. He says that he saw the car pull up and heard them talking about a hotel and thought that I was going to be murdered in a few minutes and that was sad, because it was nice to meet me. We start making jokes about random people, dive bars and getting murdered.
I see J leaning against a building. No one is around. I feel bad. I offered him a ride, it seems everyone left him. I tell Sounder I need to give him a ride home. He tells me we should leave J and go to the hotel, that he would never go to an after party like that and he has seen J a few times, he isn't the type of guy I want to be around, in fewer words. He said that he will make sure nothing happens to me at the hotel and it will be an adventure. I tell him I would feel bad just leaving J, I have to see if he still needs a ride, I text him, his texts aren't making sense. Sounder reads it, he says J is implying he wants sex. J disappeared from the building I get out of the car, Sounder says that if I'm doing this then he is going with me, he doesn't want me getting raped.
See J walking on the street, ask him if he still needs a ride, he says yes, his friends ditched him. Sounder is very much trying to be in control, he says we can drop him off. Get to my car. They both "fight" over who gets to sit up front. Sounder sits up front. I ask where I'm going. Sounder says, "That would be you J." They "argue" over who is getting dropped off first then Sounder gets irritated and says here is fine then, gets out and slams my door. He wanted me to tell J he was going home first. J is happy, he says now he can sit in the front seat.
And really the evening should have ended before this. J was very aggressive before we were alone and more so after we were alone. I should have left with B, instead I got home after 5 a.m.

Goodbye Loot

Unknown caller, unknown text number - conversation begins, tablet I need to return. M said he tried finding me on Facebook, remembered a conversation we had about my last name, how I said it was a Harry Potter character so he went on IMDB and looked for the rat characters last name then searched Facebook and couldnt find me. He couldn't get ahold of B, then ran into him on the street and asked for my number. He said that if it had been anyone else he would have thought he would never see his tablet again, but he knew I would bring it back to him. M is one happy owner! Pays for gas. He looks at his schedule from his newly returned device, "what day is it?" he asks, "Thursday," I reply. "I missed the taco eating contest I was supposed to be in. I need to go over and apologize. I will be right back." He leaves the bar, a few minutes later he runs back in calling my name, "I didn't miss it!" He grabs his belongings, "You can come watch if you want."
I finish my beer and head over. There are ten people or more. He spots me, says my name, lifts a glass of water and smiles. Fifteen minutes of taco eating goes by. The winner is called. He wins. He ate eighteen tacos. He comes over, gives me a hug and picks me up before going outside for photos with the rest of the taco eaters. He won a t-shirt and tacos until his record is broken. He points out the metal scorpions in the establishment, he made them.
Friday night I head to Viking for my usual karaoke, B and I were going to find a new spot to go, but I did not hear from him. I enter, "Want a beer?" my bartender says. I nod. She grabs my usual. G seems stressed and is having a hard time dj'ing. There are a lot of kids and a thirty-year-olds birthday party. I sit alone, but my usual gang is soon around me with only a few members missing. Something is off about the night.
A few regulars are trying to get Viking M to plan on meeting them in the morning, but he keeps saying he has a prior commitment. Later, he tells me that he told them he had a prior commitment, because he was hoping I would have breakfast with him. I tell him perhaps another time, then feel bad as I know he is in town only so often, keeps asking and turned down the other group in the hopes that I would say yes. Yet, I don't go.
Two teenage regulars look rather sad, I know the parents and ask the father of the daughter if she is no longer dating the boy. He says no. She looks like she has been crying, he holds his arms close to his body when he moves, sings a song, glances in her direction and gives a slight, sad smile. They made me sad. I wanted them to get back together just so everything seemed ok again.
B sends me a text, "What's up Tulsa?" he isn't up for going out.
J is still in a weird mood, but this time he says his back hurts, I leave it at that.
I decide to go when a group of intoxicated people show up, making fools of themselves on the dance floor and taking over the mic while other people are singing.

Hello Stranger, Good Morning Sun

Everything is messed up. I wasn't supposed to be here this long. The words of, "It will work out someday" and "One day at a time," "Everything will fall into place when you are ready" or "least expecting it" are driving me crazy. I'm thankful for what I have, but I'm frustrated. I keep applying for things and hearing nothing back. I change my resume over and over again upon recommendations and...nothing. I approach cover letters differently, more business like, a little humor...nothing. I'm glad I at least have a temp position, if not for that I would be completely hopeless. I have enough for first months rent.
I went looking for a new bar the other night, I was hoping for something like the wine bar in Tulsa, but the place that I found closed at ten. They sent me to a dive, which I was not interested in so I relied on my Garmin which sent me to a ghost town with yet another dive with only one person in the bar. I went back to the first dive. It was in Mount Vernon, different from my usual spot in Stanwood.
Met a very drunk man who talked in circles. He told me how he was a divorced veteran, 65, lived across the street where he had tequila and beer, he thought I was very attractive and he had been waiting for someone like me his whole life, would I like to come over? What was my name again? Emptied his wallet to show me the contents: bus pass, credit card, veterans card, license, etc. and then the whole process started over again. I did turn away from him and ignored him a few times, but wouldn't you know it, he actually remembered my name when I wasn't looking at him? Then he decided to tell me about the bible, he told me not to get tattoos, to get out of bars and start living, because I can do something with myself and G-d has a plan for me. Then he said he had to say all of that, because he prays in the morning before he could ask if I wanted to come over, because he is a wild man.
There was another guy who kept staring at me from a distance, I would catch him peeking around a corner to look at me, but he wouldn't come over.
A guy came over for a glass of water, stalled a moment beside me and decided to introduce himself. He left his friends playing pool, who left when he didnt come back after awhile, and we talked until close. The guy who was staring at me all night decided to finally introduce himself at 2 a.m. He came up on the other side of me and said hello. So we went outside. Where staring man said goodnight and left and bar talker and his friend who joined us a little while earlier stood. A few seconds later, staring man was back, he said he had to use the restroom, he was able to get back into the bar, came back out and asked us if there were any after parties. Then stated that he knew of one. He would have to check with his buddies, but he thinks it would be ok. They were going to run to get beer. Then he said he only had room in his car for one. I said that I drove and the other two guys walked so I would have to drive them. He asked for my phone number in case we got lost and told me he would check to see if it was alright if we all came over. So off he went and we headed for my car as it was cold. Bar talkers friend said we should head in the direction of the house, which I felt a little bad doing since we hadn't received the ok. Yet we drove, then I got an incoming text, "Honestly I was just hoping you would come over..." So, I tell my driving companions it is not really a group party, bar talker asks if I would like to drop them off and I can go hang out with the other guy, I say no. We drive around trying to decide what to do. Unfortunately, we can't think of anything. It gets early, I drop them off.
Staring man texts me, asks if I'm staying in town or driving back tonight. Tells me I should come over and "have some fun" with him. That it is much better to drive in the morning than night. I go home.
I discover a Galaxy Tablet was left in my car, woot free loot! No, not really, must return.
Go to my usual dive on Wednesday for karaoke, bring the 'lil sis as minors are allowed for a set period of time. Run into J with the three kids, who has them in tow. He introduces me to them all. His oldest son is outgoing, his daughter who has my name, takes a liking to my sister. J kept trying to get his son to dance with his daughter, because she wanted to, I convince my sister to get up and dance with her and after that they are two peas in a pod. Later, J and I dance and his daughter joins in, we look ridiculous.
My usual bar companion makes eye contact, leaves, returns with kids, waves and sits in the dark. Something isn't right. I go over and say hello. Apparently his ex dropped the kids off with someone to get her hair done in the afternoon and still wasn't back after nine, he was in the hospital for two days, and he got yelled at at work. Bad week.
I have these outings and have a good time, but I get home and wish I were with one person. Wish we were going out. Wish we were talking, because that was the best part of my day. What's wrong with me?