What Once I Had

A dance, a move, a slide, a fall and everything is different. A couple of months ago, while at karaoke with my mom, a dance move was all it took to send me to the floor with a fragment in my knee and my patella out of place. I had to wait a month for knee surgery and am now trying to recover. Due to the length of time my leg has not been used my muscles have atrophied. At my post-op appointment my surgeon said that not regaining mobility was a possibility if I didn't do something fast. So, I am in physical therapy trying to regain what I once had. My job is on hold, I have to assist myself in and out of bed and daily living is exhausting.
I was hired by the company I was temping for right after the incident took place and I am grateful for that. I can only imagine the frustration those involved are feeling for having a new hire out so long and I will have to make sure they know it was worth it when I come back.
I barely remember what it is like to sleep on my stomach, to be able to pop out of bed and jump in the shower, to make my own coffee and carry it to the living room, to bend my knee past 52 degrees without force. I used to like taking a shower because it made me feel fresh, but then I would get a little agitated because of the temperature change. Now I get angry, then sad/exhausted. Taking a shower is so hard. I have to balance my weight on my "good" leg the whole time, use my arms to turn around, get in and out. It's exhausting.
I'm staying with my parents which has been good because when I attempted to stay alone it wasn't pretty. It's too hard to get items where I want them, I have to stick them in a bag or if I want a hot drink I have to slowly go crutch by crutch using my arm pits, no fun! However, staying with them isn't a picnic either...my father wants me to go back to work, my mother reals me in for a false sense of comfort then tells me to buck-up, my oldest sister, though throwing a fit when she originally was not chosen to be my caretaker, has "rules" to how and when she is helpful and wants me to start driving so she doesn't have to, and my youngest sister is using a coping mechanism of fake smiling when she is frustrated so that she doesn't get mad. So she has been fake smiling at me every time I ask for something.
Tonight my mom asked what time my pt appointment was tomorrow, I answered twelve. She made it a point of telling me I needed to be ready at eleven and saying that if I can be ready for work, I can be ready for my appointment. I reminded her that apparently I can't get ready for work, I'm not going.
The Mandude surprised me before my surgery by being my support system and getting me to where I needed to go, then after my surgery there has been some faltering. I feel like if I'm not in front of him he forgets I'm here, which is a horrible way to feel. I'm trying really hard not to let my old habits take over and I see he is trying. I just want things to be ok no matter where we are.
This injury began from a fall that happened years ago, I never got it checked out and have had issues with my knee being weak ever since. This is a new beginning in a lot of ways, because of the fall a series of events took place, altering the person I was becoming and not liking. Though I'm not happy right now, I'm depressed, frustrated and I don't see how I'm going to get back to being me, this can't be it. This can't be the light at the end of the tunnel, forever stuck immobile. This can't be what I've been building up to.

More Unknown

I can't keep seeing names unknown. I can't keep pushing feelings inside to protect you, help us, if that is what I'm doing. I remember chance meetings, awkward conversations, arguments. I need you to start over, something you don't want to do. But I can't live otherwise. I think there were others that you don't want to tell me about, I always felt it, maybe they weren't physical, but emotional, I thought if I ignored it, because I already knew so much that maybe I could move past it, maybe one day the feelings I had would go away. But I see a name, I see a town associated with it, and I fall apart. I want to cut myself and I can't live like this anymore.
I only see two options, we cut ties or you cut ties with others.

The Truth Still Hidden

Omission. What we hide to make ourselves look better, feel better, gain the trust, respect of those around us.
You asked how I have any friends because you share intimate details of our relationship, but in doing so you don't share all of the facts and they end up siding with you for things they should not and disliking me. Why would you want friends because you bend the truth or that like you when you lie and cheat? I don't understand. I would rather my friends question my actions than pat me on the hand and tell me everything is going to be ok, that the other person is the one being a bitch when that is not the case and I know it. Why live more of a lie and feed it?
I'm confused and hurt. It feels like Tulsa all over again. You turned all of your girlfriends against me instead of just having them and now it seems, your co-workers and friends too. When I was dating Navy, what bothered him the most is that I didn't do that, he felt like he was always competing.
I don't know how to take the fact that you want people to think of me and my family in such a bad light, that you think that saying you overstayed your welcome somehow explains it all to people who don't understand. Of course they will side with you. But you want them to, you don't want to be judged. Overstaying your welcome is very different from me telling you not to screw up again, telling you specifically to stay away from a particular person and you doing it anyway, that gets you kicked out and living in your car and that is what people should understand. It is not a poor you story. They don't know how worried I was, how many times I cried and talked to my mom, that you were in your car, how many times I wanted to buy you groceries and pay for a room. But you screwed up one too many times, lying everytime I asked you if you did, contacting her while living under my parents roof even. I knew your pride would get in the way and you wouldn't want to contact your parents for money, but I knew they would be there if you needed them, I knew there were quick jobs and plasma donation, which you had done in the past. You told me you try to tell people I am entitled to what I want, how I feel, but you don't tell them why, so they continue to dislike me. And you're ok with them disliking me so they like you. You don't tell them the lies, the secret apartment, the multiple women. I don't want you telling people things because I don't think they need to know and because you don't tell them the whole truth, you omit things that are rather important details to form an opinion.
Moving to a new state was our opportunity to start fresh. You drug a mess here, we're working through it, but we can't if you keep telling stories to people met. Your parents don't even know the truth of what happened. The clutter needs to be sorted with those who know, those yet unknown need a new story...a new beginning, here and now.

Communication

You responded and all worrying was for naught, until I made my "marriage demands" clear again. I have to know it will be just you and I before we say "I do." Then, you disappeared. No response to spoken word or messages left online. I don't know if you're angry that I would question you when you are sure it is only I at this point, I don't know if you are questioning yourself, I don't know if you are depressed and this is unrelated, but amazing timing.
I looked at a loft today that I was going to try and make work because it is at a perfect downtown location and when I realized I couldn't make it work, not I, I sat in my car and cried. I cried that you weren't helping me find a place for us, I cried that this is so hard, I cried that we aren't married yet, I cried for so many things.
I told M I was having a bad day, he told me he has a lot going on in his life and, basically, he can't be friends with me. Thank you for telling me that after I told you I'm having a hard time. I don't understand. Am I really so unbearable? I think of all of the jokes and fun conversations and smiles I have with people but they always leave, what is wrong with me that no one ever wants to stay?
I was behind a truck today and I wanted to crash into it. Just be forced into motionless-ness. A car tailgated me for quite a while, my hand clenched, I slowed, I wanted to hit my brakes, get out and ask them what their problem was, but they turned into their driveway.
You're out there without me and you don't realize that you are my rock when I am drowning, but sometimes you are the anchor that keeps me under. I need my rock back, because I'm sinking on my own.

Confused

Again...that feeling in the pit of my stomach that warns me that things are not right between you and I, that you have done something that you will regret because it will effect our future. You aren't answering me. Again, what you do when you have done something you don't want me to know about, you distance yourself.

This week I've continued to look at rentals, I thought about us getting our second marriage license and now I don't know what to think.

Friday

An unexpected text at the end of my lunch, in the middle of my workday. I slip my phone into my purse, close the drawer at my desk and try to act as if everything is fine. I laugh with my co-workers, smile, but in my head I am wondering why he would send me such a text while I am working...send me a text at all and not talk to me face to face if he felt the need. My workday ends, another text, he asks me to tell him when I get off. I consider not responding. I tell him I am finished for the day...nothing. A few hours later I ask if we can talk in person Monday, he asks what about. Seriously? I ask why he wanted to know when I get off, he said because he wanted to clarify his text.
The more I think about it, I am reconsidering meeting at all, what is the point? Nothing will come of it except, most likely, frustration. He won't say anything that will bring me clarity, make me feel better, he will say things that he thinks he should say or, he won't and I will get angry that he is being too honest and hurting my feelings.

I haven't been getting a message that keeps being sent to me. Some Pagans believe that if you are not paying attention to the symbolism of a particular animal than it will appear to you dead so that you do finally notice it. I keep running into the same symbol with the meaning of "death and rebirth...you are aiming at the illusion of letting go, without actually letting go". I am thinking of my current situation with my Monday meeting, how I have handled things in the past and wondering...who do I want to be now? I have the ability to be a different person, to react differently than once before, what do I want to do? Speak my mind as usual, feel heard to where the other person tunes me out or say fuck it and walk away not looking back...

-
"In this tired world, in this broken peace
I am not afraid, I am not afraid
In the darkest hour, I will find my way
On this narrow bridge, on this narrow bridge
Lift me up and lift my eyes far above these falling skies
Give me hope and give me love
In a time of change, In a time of choice
I am not afraid, I am not afraid"

There Has to Be Something

Everything was lining up with my nice little bow, with my nice little package, on a little street corner, in a little neighborhood with a white picket fence in a nice little world that apparently doesn't exist.
I'm so frustrated right now that I'm inbetween wanting to hit something, eat food that isn't good for me and cry. The last couple of days I felt like things were coming together. Relationships felt better, I found someone to do my tattoo and found more clarity with what I wanted, I got a great credit card offer from my bank and I found a house to rent.
But when I went to look at the custom built house, the nine windmill style skylights throughout, separate art studio, garden shed, granite counter top in the kitchen, large master suite, tile floor, etc. could not overcome the small lot nor the neighborhood. And the disappointment came crashing in because I was sure when I left my temporary residence today that I was going to be signing a rental application and perhaps be handing someone a deposit.