Saturday, July 28, 2012

Friday

An unexpected text at the end of my lunch, in the middle of my workday. I slip my phone into my purse, close the drawer at my desk and try to act as if everything is fine. I laugh with my co-workers, smile, but in my head I am wondering why he would send me such a text while I am working...send me a text at all and not talk to me face to face if he felt the need. My workday ends, another text, he asks me to tell him when I get off. I consider not responding. I tell him I am finished for the day...nothing. A few hours later I ask if we can talk in person Monday, he asks what about. Seriously? I ask why he wanted to know when I get off, he said because he wanted to clarify his text.
The more I think about it, I am reconsidering meeting at all, what is the point? Nothing will come of it except, most likely, frustration. He won't say anything that will bring me clarity, make me feel better, he will say things that he thinks he should say or, he won't and I will get angry that he is being too honest and hurting my feelings.

I haven't been getting a message that keeps being sent to me. Some Pagans believe that if you are not paying attention to the symbolism of a particular animal than it will appear to you dead so that you do finally notice it. I keep running into the same symbol with the meaning of "death and rebirth...you are aiming at the illusion of letting go, without actually letting go". I am thinking of my current situation with my Monday meeting, how I have handled things in the past and wondering...who do I want to be now? I have the ability to be a different person, to react differently than once before, what do I want to do? Speak my mind as usual, feel heard to where the other person tunes me out or say fuck it and walk away not looking back...

-
"In this tired world, in this broken peace
I am not afraid, I am not afraid
In the darkest hour, I will find my way
On this narrow bridge, on this narrow bridge
Lift me up and lift my eyes far above these falling skies
Give me hope and give me love
In a time of change, In a time of choice
I am not afraid, I am not afraid"

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