Time Keeps on Changing

I'm not ok. I keep trying to tell you something is wrong and I can't find it. In some respects I feel better than I have in awhile and in others...not so.
Conversations of moving...I'm anxious. And scared. I don't know if I will be making a huge mistake. I'm worried I won't like who I will become if I'm not here, that I won't have a good job or make people proud or do what I think is important. I hate change and I'm scared.
I started cleaning out my office today. Went through files to make sure I didn't leave any notes that were irrelevant or would put me in a bad light, took my notebooks and a few things that I brought from home back with me.
My stomach has been in knots and I haven't felt well since the prospect of moving began, but there is this part of me yearning for an adventure and knowing I can't grow here.

Monkey Bay

You're doing it again. A nice weekend...then silence. I drank too much. Wine bottle, minus one glass. You text me, you are having dinner with your family. Why didn't you invite me like the old days? You set me up for a relationship where you had to see me every day, now almost five years, you don't feel the need to see me that often. But you have gotten me addicted, my habit every day, you pull away. I put the trash on the curb, can't walk straight, lots of neighbors out, hope no one noticed. What's happening to me? I miss you. I want you here.

I Want and I Don't

How can I explain how I am feeling? I can't. I stand next to you, hold your hand, it feels right. But there are silent pauses...when I get off of work and you are not here...and I cry. I cry when no one is watching. I cry alone in my room, I cry when I am sitting in my office. I want you to feel how I feel, I want you to understand how you can trust someone more than yourself and then...lose it all.
I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and have it feel like it used to feel, but when you kiss me I think of someone else's lips on yours.
You think distance may solve the feeling, but when I am away from you my mind wanders to places I don't want it to go. It's safer when you are near.
I want to trust you are working when you say you are, I want to trust that the girls in your phone and on the internet mean nothing.
I want to trust that when we are alone in bed, you are thinking of me and not her...
I don't know how to get over this...I don't know if I should, but I'm trying.
You get frustrated, thinking I should be over it by now...do you really think it is that simple? When you give everything to someone hoping for the same in return and they tell you that you have the same, time after time when you wonder why they stayed out late at night? To learn that all of those questions that were answered, were answered with lies?
I wish my brother were here. I wish he would let me cry in his arms, I wish he would fix it. I feel alone. I am inside my head with thoughts I don't want to have, thoughts that won't go away. I want answers...and I don't.
I love you...and I hate you.

The Truth

You are sleeping in the other room.
My mind is a mess that I'm trying to keep contained. You finally told me why our engagements kept being broken...you allowed your physical wants to get the better of you and had a one night stand. So I got drunk. Two nights in a row, first time to pass out.
I want to make things work, but is it because I'm stubborn? Is it because I don't want to be alone? It can't be...others offer me their bed and I turn them down.
I felt good today. Sober. Happy. I wasn't thinking. Then at dinner we had too long of a silence and it all came back to me...the images, the questions, the sadness.
Can I find something good in it all? Does this mean you won't cheat if we marry because you have already "been there, done that?" Will you find another reason for us not to wed?
Perhaps the worst part is that I gave you everything, expecting that in return. I am already slow to trust, will this make it even harder?
The questions...that's the worst part...inside my head.

It's the month of our weather, we should be together.

Without A Word The Day Goes By

Are you still mine? I feel so alone. Not a sound, a note, a Redbull. I see traces of conversations you have with someone else, I feel invisible. I want to sleep until you wake me. I hate getting up day after day knowing I won't see you, talk to you, feel you. I am not me without you. You leave this week for San Francisco, you will be busy and in a different city. Please don't do something that could ruin us more than this separation.
I am so terrified that you will forget me. You will forget us, what we have. I worry that if I don't stay in-front of you you will get busy and forget how it feels to be together, so you won't miss us anymore.
I'm staying busy, having people over, going out. I went to Arnies, it wasn't the same without you.
It's promising a storm outside, its our weather.

28 Days Later

It's been over a month of indecision and loneliness. We have spent one day a week together and a couple this past. Then...nothing. You disappear without a word, without a text or call reply. I worry you aren't ok, but know that you do this often. I feel like I'm being subjected to "cry wolf." One day you will disappear and something will be wrong, but I won't know until later.
I just saw a tweet you sent, you are out, you are fine. I am here. Do you realize how much it hurts when you disappear?

Day 4

I couldn't stand it any longer, the feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me I had to see you, and here I have it again. I open my phone a thousand times a day to see if you've sent anything, I have the urge to call you on my drive home after work.
I drove to your house and freaked out your parents last night, I needed to see you, and once I saw you, I needed to hear you, and once I heard you, I needed to feel you.
I don't remember what I said in the note I left on your car, I hope I said what I meant.
You're worried I don't love all of you and I'm worried I can't be all of me. I don't want us to quit, we can do this right?
I love you and I want you to feel loved and I don't want you to feel as if you have to change completely for me, that isn't fair or right...but will you tell me if the parts of you that I see flawed, are really you or learned phases? I don't want to lose you.
I went to your website today, looked at your Flickr, you have amazing photos. Did you take them? And if so, why didn't you ever share them?
I read part of your blog, Feb. 3rds entry made me cry, mostly because you don't let me in on how hard things are for you. You don't let me in. There is this internet world that knows all of your sides, should we strike up an internet romance? Will you share with me then? I hate that I even ask that question.
I want to drive to you again...you are probably sleeping or laying in bed hearing the loud sounds from downstairs and not wanting to join. I wish you would text me back, I wish you would say you love me. I know you do, but the silence worries me, what is happening inside your head?
I'm eating old fruit, I wish we were having dinner.
No note. Cards are still in the top drawer of the dresser. I can't be here right now, everywhere I look I want you to be. I'm going to the liquor store.

Day 3

A storm is brewing outside and it makes me miss you even more. I just want to sit next to you and hold your hand, fall asleep with my head on your shoulder. The end of the month is near and I am no closer to finding an answer within myself.
I left work at 5:30, you would have been proud. Had a list of to-dos and decided to make them wait, but now I am home alone and wondering why I bothered rushing out, to sit in the silence and wallow in my missing you perhaps.

2.1

Went to dinner with my family and then to Michael's, bought more paper so I can make cards...have an abundance of supplies, now to use them.
I am drinking one of your beers, in your glass and missing you.

Points

Reasons I love you:
I still get butterflies when I see you
The way you take care of me; financially, emotionally
Your voice
The way you read to me
The way you cuddle, our physical closeness
How you make me feel better when I'm upset
How we communicate, I can tell you anything
How you help me clean the house and do everyday things
Your openness on religion and child rearing when it comes to us
The notes you leave me
When you surprise me
The way you kiss me to stop me from snoring or randomly kiss or hug me
How you will run to the store at 11 p.m. or 7 a.m. or anytime for anything
You know what alcohol I like, not to push the eating of "unclean" foods and you know how I like my Starbucks
How you look at me and I know I am loved
How you fight for us when I don't know what to do
You know me

Reasons my gut doesn't follow my heart:
Tension with family
Smoking
Always having to be in the right, whether you acknowledge it or not

Day 2

Had girls night with my mom yesterday, went to the casino, lost money, ended up at The Brook for dinner and drinks. Talked about you. I'm trying to keep my mind busy so I don't realize you aren't here, but I know it's not a solution. I miss you.

Day 1

It's my day off and I'm having cereal alone. I want to hear you talk and hold your hand. I want to know where you are and what you are working on, even though I won't understand it. I feel like sleeping to make time pass faster, but I know I should be productive. I'm lost not having you here.

3 a.m.

You've left. It's early Thursday morning, when everyone is asleep and I am awake in the dark, in the quiet. I feel ill. You need me to be sure and I have a war inside my head. I love you, no matter what, I know I love you.

Two Thousand Ten or Twenty Ten

It's a new year and I feel I have not grown much in the past. I have fulfilled my old resolution of getting a stable, full-time job, but the others still linger.
I wish I could walk into a portal like WOW, end up in another place for awhile and come back. I am bored. I ponder disappearing from everyone for a month, just me and my thoughts, work. But when I think of telling people to leave me alone for awhile, I get lonely and it sounds like a really bad idea.
I feel like crying lately, I get frustrated at simple things because I would rather be angry than sad. I feel change and I am fighting against it...