What if?

I'm starting to worry that I should call my doctor, yet I don't want to know. I got at least two STDs over the course of your excursions. I waited a long time before I went to the doctor because I didn't know what was wrong and was embarrassed. Untreated STDs can lead to infertility and if I find out I can't have kids, my heart will be broken worse than ever. I'm scared that the thing I have wanted more than anything, I might not be able to have. Another reason to be monogamous.

Fight or Flight

I didn't sleep well, my mind won't shut off. I am trying to find a way to pose what is in my head without sounding like a disparaging woman.
I think I saw her yesterday and if I am wrong, well, then my thoughts put me in an even worse light. I heard a voice slightly familiar, but not enough to know who it belonged to, I looked, and began to have a panic attack. She stared at me, no smile, nothing. I didn't know what to do...begin an unpleasant conversation? Start a conversation in which I am incredibly kind, but look at her so that she understands that I am all knowing or run? She went back to her seat and I decided that my life is not going to be ruined for something I did not do, I took a breath, smiled as the barista made a joke with another customer and kept looking at the websites I was perusing. She came back, stood next me as she waited for her drink. Again, not long after, she came back for a glass of water, stood next to me. You came and she left.
You don't want to hurt her feelings and though I understand what you mean by that, it still hurts me. Because you both could have cared less about my feelings for a long time and now still, you don't want to hurt her when you have hurt me so much. What does it take to get that kind of care from you?
I don't know how to care for someone that can be so disrespectful to a relationship that was already in place. How do you care for someone that even now wants me out of the picture?
I know why I can't sleep, but I don't like what it means. Besides all of the other struggles we have had. I am having a hard time thinking that you can care for someone that would knowingly ruin a relationship, breaking the heart of someone else because they are so selfish. And I think if you wanted to be with someone like that, I don't want to be in the same category. I am not perfect. I have made a lot of stupid mistakes, I have hurt people. I have gotten involved with other peoples relationships, but I have handled it differently. I'm not trying to be self-righteous and I can feel you defending her even as I write this, which worries me.
You said she doesn't respect me and I wonder what you said to put me in such a light, besides the fact that she was able to start something so she could tell you weren't happy. I don't know what to do with the fact that you are allowed to work late every night, sleep in every weekend and I am to remain faithful and when I was working late and was too tired to go out to the bar after work, you had to go find someone else. You wanted me available when you wanted me, yet you wanted me to take over my department and were so proud at how hard I was working. You punished me for doing what you wanted me to do in the first place, be a hard working career woman. The problem was, you wanted to be a bachelor while having a stable relationship and you wanted a career woman that was available at the drop of a hat that had energy to go out. You can't have it all.

NY, NY

I didn't realize how unhappy I would be that you left. I wanted to see you, found out that your hypothetical plans to move to New York had taken root. I always asked you to run away with me, elope, that we could make it work, why not? You would reply that I did not want you, you had a lot of issues. It was our thing, we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere. I remember when we first started talking at Borders, you got a book, then later had to return it. I then saw you upstairs, took a break, we started talking. At some point, another day perhaps, you asked if I liked sushi, said we should have some sometime. I remember taking a lunch break with you, you and I sitting on the floor in the magazine section talking, while people walked over us. I remember you telling me you didn't date, us getting in a laughing argument as to who initiated flirting with who. We became friends and I was happy with that. It's really bothering me that you're gone.

A Phone Conversation

A phone rings.
Hi sweety. What have you been up to all day? Oh, reading the second book? How are you feeling? I'm at Starbucks, do you want to come down or should we go get dinner? Well, why don't you walk over, I'm at the Starbucks at Utica Square. It's not too hot, it would be good for you to stretch your legs. And then you can go over to Petty's with me, what would you like to eat? You'll need to eat something. I could rent a movie or you can bring one. Ok, I'll see you soon. Love you sweety.
He sits working on his laptop waiting for his girlfriend, no wedding band, gray hair. Such love in his voice when he spoke on the phone.

Trust Your Instincts

My instincts have not let me down so far. Even when I thought they were wrong, it may have taken a couple of years to find out they were right, but they were. I've been having this nagging feeling, like something wasn't right, I couldn't tell if it was in the past or present. And now I know, it wasn't as simple as you initially made it seem or I really wasn't listening to what you had tried to tell me.
I'm broken. I feel so alone and hurt. A hurt that is deep, like someone ripped out my guts and is displaying them for me. I punched you, not nearly how I wanted to, not hard enough, I didn't feel it and my hand isn't even red. How many cruel things I have said to you, that I wish I hadn't, I don't want to get back at you that way and yet the words keep coming as if I am trying to pinpoint something in particular.
She didn't want to be with you while you were in a relationship, still makes me laugh. Maybe she shouldn't have started then. How I would like to run into her now. I could very easily or I could gossip about her to others, we are friends with some of the same, but I won't. You tried to start something with someone else while still with me. I gave you all I could give, my time (I would wake up at 5 a.m., leave at 4 a.m. and drive over on my lunch breaks for you), my heart, and I moved out of my parents mostly because you wanted me to, to find out that it wasn't really worth it because you went for other women anyway even though I was available any hour.
I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to cut myself right now. Why have I turned into this person?
I have no friends to talk to. I wish my brother were here even though he would kick my ass. I just want him here. Tonight I will fall asleep imagining he is, in the morning I will take a shower, put on my makeup and try and hide the fact I've been crying.

Stop, No Go

Struggling as of late, trying not to and failing. Will it ever end? Relating to people with tattoos and piercings more and more. Would like to cover myself, look tougher on the outside and perhaps by looking in the mirror I can convince myself that I am that strong on the inside. Been fighting the urge to get something done.

Applying for jobs, but not as often as one unemployed should be. I find myself slipping back into depression, sleeping longer than I should. I have to fight this, I need to be worth fighting for...

Went to karaoke last night, will be rollerskating tonight. I have to push myself to do these things as the thought of them makes me want to curl up, watch a movie and go to sleep, but once I am out I am OK, I don't mind being social. It's just the thought that creates a hiccup.

~
Build a wall of books

Between us in our bed

Repeat, repeat the words

That I know we both have said


Relax into the need

We get so comfortable

Remember when I was

So strange and likable


I just want back in your head

I just want back in your head

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray


When I get a little scared

When I get a little scared

When I get a little


When I jerk away

From holding hands with you

I know these habits hurt

Important parts of you


Remember when I was

Sweet and unexplainable

Nothing like this person

Unlovable


I just want back in your head

I just want back in your head

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray


When I get a little scared

When I get a little scared

When I get a little scared

When I get a little


Run run run run

Run run run run


I just want back in your head

I just want back in your head

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray


I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I Saw You

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat
~
And then I saw you, the you I fell in love with, the one that stood, just you and I. I sat having a discussion with my sister at a coffee shop, made a "your mom" joke with the barista, my sister looked embarrassed like she would when my mom would speak with strangers. I see her wave, look to see who, it is you. Not her battle, I will let it rest for now, and I am so glad to see you, though by your face I can tell that you did not seek me out, you were not meaning to run into me. Another beverage needed, a conversation starts again with a different stranger, we discuss the menu, then he says there is a six minute limit to the line, I took too long deciding, I will have to leave and come back. I ask if I can have his minutes, he says that he didn't think of that, it's a brilliant idea because he only used 30 seconds and says we should shake on it, pretends to spit in his hand and shakes mine. I'm friendly. I forgot I was friendly. I forgot I was funny. I forgot I knew how to talk to strangers. I find myself becoming more like my mother and liking it. We sit at a table, you speak with my sister, I notice I'm slouching, I try to straighten my back, but not because someone signals me to, not because someone wants me to, but because I want to.
You mentioned my voice changes during a conversation not too long ago and now I find myself catching it. I notice it when I speak with other people, when I speak with you, I start sounding young, mousy, unsure and inside my head I'm thinking, "fuck" and try and find a way to my lower, normal pitch.
You said that my recent trip to visit my parents was beneficial, I agree. I feel like I am doing things more for myself now, I feel more confident. And though I still cry myself to sleep with thoughts I don't want to think, I want to learn to channel those feelings into the strong person I know I can be.
There are moments I wish I had a pause button so I could replay you in my mind, you said something so incredibly kind and (romantic? that doesn't seem like the word to describe it), that you want to make the world wonderful with me and bring children into it. I wish I had a better memory...I know you said wonderful...and children...
And as you were leaving, you said that I was acting like a wife and you have noticed it for awhile, you packed your lunch, said that you are acting like a husband. I thought to myself, "shoot, that's not what you want," then you surprised me by coming over, kissing me and saying, "I like it."
Kissing you in different moments of the evening, it was you. It was five years ago when the worst was a curfew. And though it wasn't a completely carefree night, I was able to resist the urge to bring up "the others" when I felt comparisons. I think that even though I have always said it, I am finally starting to believe that you either love me and will stand up for me and my morals or stop wasting my time.
I don't know if it's the struggles this past year has brought, the trip I took, my birthday (as everyone says something changes at 25), but I feel older. It's strange having a feeling of responsibility to handle situations differently. I have always wanted children, but it is scary to have the ticking time clock syndrome all of a sudden. There is something inside that just tells you that you are running out of time and need to have kids as soon as possible, I remember my sister running into the same thing when she turned 25. It's easier to have children the younger you are and when you want to have five like I do, it's scary to think that the longer you wait, the older you will be trying to carry them to term. I have always pictured being the young, hip mom that my kids like taking out and want their friends to be around. And my body isn't nice as it is.
~
I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh, I hope that it won't end though alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?

I Did it Again

I did it again, I pushed you away without meaning to. I don't know why I expect you to sit there while I say the things I need to say, hurtful things that won't really get us anywhere in the long run. I wish so badly that when I did you would grab me and hold me and tell me you're sorry, but you don't, you get angry and hurt...I would to. You yelled back and then you walked out. I sat at the table, our food growing cold, and cried. I paced, I controlled myself from the urge to punch the wall, I cried more. And then I stopped. I remembered looking into your eyes as I spoke to you and seeing tears and for the first time, I saw actual remorse. It's strange out of all of our conversations, I don't remember you genuinely saying you are sorry, but at the table, you looked it and you looked deeply hurt by my words. So I stopped crying and felt this calm come over me as if I finally saw what I had needed to see from you. Out of all of my arguments, you never reacted the way I needed you to. I'm sorry for some of the things I said. I wish you knew how much it hurts when you say that you wish I would write more or play music, because I want to be that person again too and I'm slowly getting there, but I'm not going to automatically jump back into her skin when something happened that made me feel like it wasn't right for me to be her. I hate that you keep pushing me being active, you used to tell me that you just wanted me to be happy with my body, you didn't care what I weighed, and now that I've lost a lot of weight and feel a lot better about myself, I feel as if I will never be good enough for you, because you barely even acknowledge the progress I've made. I hate that you feel like it's ok to run away from confrontation until you are ready to deal with it, leaving people to sit, wondering where you are and when they can put the issue to rest, it's disrespectful. I would like to finish an argument in the same day. I hate that the calm didn't last and now I cry myself to sleep, wondering if you care that I'm miserable while you go on with your daily life, telling me that you don't have the energy to have a conversation with me. This was days ago...when will you have the energy?