Trust Your Instincts

My instincts have not let me down so far. Even when I thought they were wrong, it may have taken a couple of years to find out they were right, but they were. I've been having this nagging feeling, like something wasn't right, I couldn't tell if it was in the past or present. And now I know, it wasn't as simple as you initially made it seem or I really wasn't listening to what you had tried to tell me.
I'm broken. I feel so alone and hurt. A hurt that is deep, like someone ripped out my guts and is displaying them for me. I punched you, not nearly how I wanted to, not hard enough, I didn't feel it and my hand isn't even red. How many cruel things I have said to you, that I wish I hadn't, I don't want to get back at you that way and yet the words keep coming as if I am trying to pinpoint something in particular.
She didn't want to be with you while you were in a relationship, still makes me laugh. Maybe she shouldn't have started then. How I would like to run into her now. I could very easily or I could gossip about her to others, we are friends with some of the same, but I won't. You tried to start something with someone else while still with me. I gave you all I could give, my time (I would wake up at 5 a.m., leave at 4 a.m. and drive over on my lunch breaks for you), my heart, and I moved out of my parents mostly because you wanted me to, to find out that it wasn't really worth it because you went for other women anyway even though I was available any hour.
I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to cut myself right now. Why have I turned into this person?
I have no friends to talk to. I wish my brother were here even though he would kick my ass. I just want him here. Tonight I will fall asleep imagining he is, in the morning I will take a shower, put on my makeup and try and hide the fact I've been crying.