I Did it Again

I did it again, I pushed you away without meaning to. I don't know why I expect you to sit there while I say the things I need to say, hurtful things that won't really get us anywhere in the long run. I wish so badly that when I did you would grab me and hold me and tell me you're sorry, but you don't, you get angry and hurt...I would to. You yelled back and then you walked out. I sat at the table, our food growing cold, and cried. I paced, I controlled myself from the urge to punch the wall, I cried more. And then I stopped. I remembered looking into your eyes as I spoke to you and seeing tears and for the first time, I saw actual remorse. It's strange out of all of our conversations, I don't remember you genuinely saying you are sorry, but at the table, you looked it and you looked deeply hurt by my words. So I stopped crying and felt this calm come over me as if I finally saw what I had needed to see from you. Out of all of my arguments, you never reacted the way I needed you to. I'm sorry for some of the things I said. I wish you knew how much it hurts when you say that you wish I would write more or play music, because I want to be that person again too and I'm slowly getting there, but I'm not going to automatically jump back into her skin when something happened that made me feel like it wasn't right for me to be her. I hate that you keep pushing me being active, you used to tell me that you just wanted me to be happy with my body, you didn't care what I weighed, and now that I've lost a lot of weight and feel a lot better about myself, I feel as if I will never be good enough for you, because you barely even acknowledge the progress I've made. I hate that you feel like it's ok to run away from confrontation until you are ready to deal with it, leaving people to sit, wondering where you are and when they can put the issue to rest, it's disrespectful. I would like to finish an argument in the same day. I hate that the calm didn't last and now I cry myself to sleep, wondering if you care that I'm miserable while you go on with your daily life, telling me that you don't have the energy to have a conversation with me. This was days ago...when will you have the energy?