I Saw You

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat
~
And then I saw you, the you I fell in love with, the one that stood, just you and I. I sat having a discussion with my sister at a coffee shop, made a "your mom" joke with the barista, my sister looked embarrassed like she would when my mom would speak with strangers. I see her wave, look to see who, it is you. Not her battle, I will let it rest for now, and I am so glad to see you, though by your face I can tell that you did not seek me out, you were not meaning to run into me. Another beverage needed, a conversation starts again with a different stranger, we discuss the menu, then he says there is a six minute limit to the line, I took too long deciding, I will have to leave and come back. I ask if I can have his minutes, he says that he didn't think of that, it's a brilliant idea because he only used 30 seconds and says we should shake on it, pretends to spit in his hand and shakes mine. I'm friendly. I forgot I was friendly. I forgot I was funny. I forgot I knew how to talk to strangers. I find myself becoming more like my mother and liking it. We sit at a table, you speak with my sister, I notice I'm slouching, I try to straighten my back, but not because someone signals me to, not because someone wants me to, but because I want to.
You mentioned my voice changes during a conversation not too long ago and now I find myself catching it. I notice it when I speak with other people, when I speak with you, I start sounding young, mousy, unsure and inside my head I'm thinking, "fuck" and try and find a way to my lower, normal pitch.
You said that my recent trip to visit my parents was beneficial, I agree. I feel like I am doing things more for myself now, I feel more confident. And though I still cry myself to sleep with thoughts I don't want to think, I want to learn to channel those feelings into the strong person I know I can be.
There are moments I wish I had a pause button so I could replay you in my mind, you said something so incredibly kind and (romantic? that doesn't seem like the word to describe it), that you want to make the world wonderful with me and bring children into it. I wish I had a better memory...I know you said wonderful...and children...
And as you were leaving, you said that I was acting like a wife and you have noticed it for awhile, you packed your lunch, said that you are acting like a husband. I thought to myself, "shoot, that's not what you want," then you surprised me by coming over, kissing me and saying, "I like it."
Kissing you in different moments of the evening, it was you. It was five years ago when the worst was a curfew. And though it wasn't a completely carefree night, I was able to resist the urge to bring up "the others" when I felt comparisons. I think that even though I have always said it, I am finally starting to believe that you either love me and will stand up for me and my morals or stop wasting my time.
I don't know if it's the struggles this past year has brought, the trip I took, my birthday (as everyone says something changes at 25), but I feel older. It's strange having a feeling of responsibility to handle situations differently. I have always wanted children, but it is scary to have the ticking time clock syndrome all of a sudden. There is something inside that just tells you that you are running out of time and need to have kids as soon as possible, I remember my sister running into the same thing when she turned 25. It's easier to have children the younger you are and when you want to have five like I do, it's scary to think that the longer you wait, the older you will be trying to carry them to term. I have always pictured being the young, hip mom that my kids like taking out and want their friends to be around. And my body isn't nice as it is.
~
I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh, I hope that it won't end though alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?