My Heart is a Yo-Yo

Again. Notified. You took a picture of your space at work, but it's what is within the picture that is confusing my head and heart. The blue lights that you always had, a few Evike stickers, a little gun, then the two things that stand out to me: the postcard you got when we were together and the giant Voss bottle we got together, it sits there empty. Am I reading into this? I know why I would keep those things there, why I would take that picture, but why would you?

And on the other side I have someone who says that they want me, but keep coming in and then pulling away. Speaking to me a few days, creating a bond where I am starting to feel comfortable again and then yanking back. Making me hesitant, confused and wondering who he is with and what he is doing, because that is what he would do in the past. Instead of telling me what he is up to and including me, he keeps me at arms length so I don't get jealous, not realizing this is harmful as well and because he assumes I will say no (and right now, yes, things are complicated as far as trying to arrange meetings), never invites me to anything. Even when I was offering to drive to see him, he simply answered he had plans with others, though the others were some he has been wanting me to meet, making me suspicious and hurt.

My heart is a yo-yo and it's exhausting me.

Thank You

I write to her because the photo was too much. She tells me that she has a week to move out. They got into an argument regarding the surround sound being too loud, he said his room is right above it and he couldn't hear it and she replied, "you were probably too busy fucking cheating on your girlfriend to hear it." And I like her more than she can possibly know for saying that. I feel a certain peace now that I didn't have before. I needed someone to do something that I felt I couldn't.

When I sang You Oughta Know, A. watched and told everyone that my singing brought him out of the kitchen. Maybe one day I will mean the line, "I'm happy for you."

A Photo, Some Whiskey

I tried not to be bothered
By the knowledge of other texts,
Knowing a website existed where we met.

Yet I find myself anxious
Slightly fidgety inside.
You see I think this part of me 
I thought had died,
Is reuniting with the living side.

So I don't know quite what to do,
But here I am telling you.
It can be ignored 
And perhaps that's what I'll do,
However, the problem remains 
Captive and restrained.
~

My mom had a dream the night before it happened. Two figures. One reading text messages, becomes incredibly angry, starts yelling at the second figure asking, "why?" Goes and picks up a dog, the dog is limp, the figure becomes defeated, sad, wants to be angry again, but gives up. The next night I find out about the other woman from your roommate.

My requests are not working and I was notified that you posted a picture...of the two of you. You never posted the pictures you took of us, yet you post a picture of you and her. She is in the military as well. You told me and your friends you wouldn't date someone in the military again after your ex-wife and gave us several reasons why. I want to say, "fine, whatever," but I don't, I start to cry. I wonder what is wrong with me that these things happen.

We never had closure and I contemplate, is there such a thing? I texted you, "You cheated on me? Is that why I didn't hear from you last night?" you replied, "mew," and that was it. The next day you changed your relationship status on Facebook and I haven't heard from you since. No cover-up, no I'm sorry, no it's your fault for...nothing.

My companions at karaoke have told me that I am getting better each week. I sang You Oughta Know last night and they said I put everything I had into it. R said it was the best song he has heard me sing, I've sung it several times before, but last night was different. Therapeutic song, I've been coming across better because I have been putting emotion into the songs I'm singing instead of just singing them.

A few of my friends have talked to me about their relationships this week, funny as I haven't started the topic of relationships. It seems everyone is having a hard time.

Papers on a shelf. They don't mean anything anymore, yet mean so much. How I wish things were different so badly. How I wish you would sweep me off my feet and make everything better like you can. Because when I'm falling apart you are the only one to make me whole again. I want to go out with you and meet your friends and have you meet mine. I want a place to call home. But your lies and omissions scare me. I've found a confidence in myself I thought I lost, I don't want to return to the person I was. R and I were talking about how sometimes there is one person that you just hold onto and no matter what you keep trying to work things out, because no one else makes you feel the way that they do and when they are gone, you aren't complete. I may be missing another person that I grew attached to while you were gone, but you're my person. And perhaps that sounds strange to some, but you can be in one relationship and be happy in it and care for that person, yet not know where it is going, thinking you will probably never have children with that person and still have it break your heart when they are no longer in your life. And you can have been in another, seeing yourself have a family with that person and not knowing how to get there.

F&@.$!) H3!L

I hear from your roommate again. (I don't know why I write to you. You will never read this, though there is a part of me that wishes you would.) Our conversation makes me wonder, have you been seeing someone else for awhile? This would explain the decline in your want to see me. How you would tell me you were too tired and then text me at midnight or 2 a.m. to tell me something. It makes me think of the night you were anxious to get home at ten and you said it was because you were tired, but you kept texting on your phone. You didn't invite me to follow you that night like you did so many others.
I never asked you who you were texting, looked over your shoulder, like you did to me. I wanted you to know I was trying to trust you, though it was hard, and look what it got me. I miss our texts. The first one of the day 6:30-7, depending on if we both were up. Texting as we both went to work, texting on my lunch break, when I got home, saying goodnight if we didn't see each other. If we weren't together on the weekend we would text when we woke up and throughout the day. You would send me photos. Remember the time you sent me a text saying you licked my eyeball? And I sent you a reply saying I shut my eyelid, trapping your tongue? I miss stupid moments like those.
Do you remember when we had a debate about zombies and continued the conversation my sister and I had about wether or not they could get into a secured condo?
The time you kicked a pallet over in an alley and on our walk back I picked it up and you asked why and I said, "because I'm not like you." And you said "but maybe the universe wants it knocked down" and I said, "but if I picked it up, doesn't that mean the universe wants it that way?"
I miss how our "arguments" never were. How you would disagree with me and either end up understanding what I was saying or drop it.
I miss how you would think something was ridiculous and when I said I liked it, you would change your opinion. Like the time you went on about the stupidity of Voss water while we were in Cost Plus and I hung my head and said I liked it, because it has a cool glass bottle and you said something to the likes of, "huh, well, that is kind of kick ass, let's get one." Or when you were complaining about Hybrids and I said I was thinking about getting one for my next car and you then said you were thinking of getting one too.
I liked showing you new things. I'm glad I got to be the first one to take you to Archie McPhees and Cost Plus. I'm even happier that you seemed to enjoy yourself.
I don't know how many times I have walked past the famous gum wall and ignored it or not even noticed its existence. You got a pack of gum just for the occasion. We put our gum together, you climbed up a wall and made a heart out of our two pieces that became one.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to care. I want to figure out how to shut this side of me down again so I can just move on with my life like you are doing. How are you doing it? How are you not caring about me at all? How do you spend time with someone and not get attached? I lost that trait years ago. I felt it when it left.

I'm working on my pre-birthday tattoo, it is now more important than ever. It was important to me when I was in a relationship and after being cheated on again, it is making the symbolism of my tattoo that much more relevant to me. I'm getting closer on the artwork, but still not honing in on a permanent idea.

Found the poem I never edited and didn't show you:

~
Since the day I saw you,
You make me anxious I know not why.
Razor sharp spring wire,
Vibrations in my heart,
You send signals through me
And I know not wether to stay or dart.

Complicated feelings, did not know that I would have.
So when I see you I am nervous,
Anxious, happy, funky, glad.
You see, I thought my soul was tired,
Rapidly declining, bitter, mad.

I find this new feeling intriguing,
Growing on me, though I still feel a little sad.
All this to say...I like you, you make me rather glad.
~

I Don't Want to Miss You

When we first met he said it felt like we were old friends reuniting, that we were Legos that fit together perfectly. He would surprise me. He purchased something for me, I unaware until the end of our outing when he handed it to me. We stood in the middle of a bookstore and he read aloud over my shoulder while I debated if I wanted a book. The time I showed up incredibly late, because I was out with my mom beforehand, and he was just sitting in the parking lot waiting for me, not upset. When I asked him to remove something online, he told me why he hadn't and I responded that he wasn't doing it for him, but for me and he removed it. When a miscommunication made me wonder if he lied and he clarified and apologized. When he was a little awkward in normal settings and yet in one that was more chaotic and full of people he knew exactly what he was doing and where he wanted to go. Like the time we went to Pike Place and he escorted me through, he knew exactly where he wanted to purchase the ingredients for dinner. When asked if we would like a sample of chocolate pasta he said, "she'll have one" and then proceeded to order pasta and oil. He was confident in getting shrimp amongst the crowd, yet in a quiet resteraunt he would be so awkward and skim over the menu forever.
I miss the day we stood in the kitchen talking, you cooking, I doing dishes. I miss watching scary movies and ad-libbing. I miss watching you take apart and modify your airsoft gun. I miss your stupid dog that you said was only calm around you and I. I miss the night my alarm kept going off and you kept pushing me back down and I kept falling back asleep. I miss how you never hesitated to pay the check. I like how you weren't nervous to let me drive your car and after the first time, you liked it even. I like how you didn't really want to meet my parents, but my mother went to get you and you made a good impression. When I asked you if it was weird afterwards, you said not really.
I miss you telling me about the science of shapes, caramel color, maraschino cherries, cancer, the zombie apocalypse and several other facts.
I miss hearing your plans for our future, because you were ahead of me. You decided I was your girlfriend the night we met, after you heard me sing. We played pool that night and darts. I made a lot of, "that's what she said" jokes. Towards the end of the night you told me that you didn't know if I knew it, but I was awesome.
One night we stood in the kitchen talking about couples, family life, you said, "if we ever get married," etc. etc. We agree on how we want to raise children. What happened? You tell me that you get afraid of closeness, that I am getting too close. I ask you how, in my head I am not close enough, I am not a committed girlfriend. I have loose strings on my heart. You don't tell me specifics. Was it because I wanted to see you more than once a week? Did you pull away because of said closeness? When we met you were the one asking me to spend the weekends with you, you would say, "what are we doing tomorrow?" and every time I saw you you were asking me not to leave at night. You used to tell me you couldn't stop thinking about me. You made your phone background my picture and took a picture of us together the second night we saw each other.
I don't understand what happened. How did you go from adoring me, texting me morning and night, to sleeping with someone your roommates don't even know? Were you just pretending to care? And if so, why would you do that?
I feel broken, again. Alone. Empty. Sad.
Z emails me, he could tell in the tone of my last email something was wrong. I couldn't decide if I wanted to say anything. I tell him. He reminds me of the five kids I want to have (he remembers), temporarily makes me smile.
I down the rest of my beer. I'm fighting the urge to text him. I almost drove to his house today to punch him, but the thought that he could overtake me, the fact he has guns and modified airsoft weapons made me think better of it. Now I don't feel so much like punching, I feel like curling in a ball and crying.

Is it Me?

She writes me again. I sit in my bed and tell myself I am ok though I don't believe it. I don't want to cry because of him, but I do. I want to sleep and pretend this never happened, but I can't. Is this going to be my life? The guy I hung out with who took me on dates and said he was celibate to then ask to meet with me and a co-worker so they could tell me they slept together. Someone I was pursuing a relationship with who pulled me outside during a work break to tell me he slept with someone else, that we met at party. My fiancé and his various affairs. And now another one. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone ever want to treat me with respect, like I have feelings? I feel so alone. I wish my brother were here.

I Feel Ill

She makes a public comment asking who the girl in your room is, then sends me a private message asking me if we are still together. I feel ill. I know I haven't been committed, yet you told me recently you felt I was too close. Now I wonder if you haven't been wanting to see me because you have been seeing someone else. Is this happening again? Please don't tell me it is. I'm awake and crying and don't want to be. You invited me on a date earlier in the week and when I asked you about it this afternoon you said you weren't sure and I haven't heard from you all night and now these conversations from your roomate about another female...you always answer your phone, you didn't respond. I want to throw-up.

Alone

I made a mistake. Part of the mistake I can take back at any point in time and another part I will have to carry with me forever. I misread someone because I wanted them to be something they weren't so badly that now I am realizing that to stay with them is to either ignore significant parts of them or keep asking them to change...and they haven't as of yet.
You aren't talking to me when I need you the most. Typical. I'm struggling with depression. I cleaned my room yesterday, it was getting bad, unlike me, which is a sign things are not going well; however, the clean-up was a positive sign. I asked a question I didn't really want the answer to. I don't know why I asked it, no, I do, because I don't want to live in a forest of lies or a web of omissions anymore. Instead of setting my mind at ease you said you needed to talk to me of such things in person, because you get defensive online. This doesn't bode well. If you aren't doing anything, what is there to be defensive of? Why not laugh it off, roll your eyes and tell me what is going on in your life? People are only defensive when they have something to hide. We have had this discussion before, you tell me it isn't true and then I find out you are lying about something and that you are defensive for a reason. So...what is it you think you have done wrong?
I'm so lonely. My best friend isn't talking to me. My boyfriend and I are struggling. He is the one that declared us in a relationship when I was fine with things being casual and now he barely spends time with me, but doesn't want to break-up. I'm frustrated. I feel so incredibly alone and no closer to where I want to be.