F&@.$!) H3!L

I hear from your roommate again. (I don't know why I write to you. You will never read this, though there is a part of me that wishes you would.) Our conversation makes me wonder, have you been seeing someone else for awhile? This would explain the decline in your want to see me. How you would tell me you were too tired and then text me at midnight or 2 a.m. to tell me something. It makes me think of the night you were anxious to get home at ten and you said it was because you were tired, but you kept texting on your phone. You didn't invite me to follow you that night like you did so many others.
I never asked you who you were texting, looked over your shoulder, like you did to me. I wanted you to know I was trying to trust you, though it was hard, and look what it got me. I miss our texts. The first one of the day 6:30-7, depending on if we both were up. Texting as we both went to work, texting on my lunch break, when I got home, saying goodnight if we didn't see each other. If we weren't together on the weekend we would text when we woke up and throughout the day. You would send me photos. Remember the time you sent me a text saying you licked my eyeball? And I sent you a reply saying I shut my eyelid, trapping your tongue? I miss stupid moments like those.
Do you remember when we had a debate about zombies and continued the conversation my sister and I had about wether or not they could get into a secured condo?
The time you kicked a pallet over in an alley and on our walk back I picked it up and you asked why and I said, "because I'm not like you." And you said "but maybe the universe wants it knocked down" and I said, "but if I picked it up, doesn't that mean the universe wants it that way?"
I miss how our "arguments" never were. How you would disagree with me and either end up understanding what I was saying or drop it.
I miss how you would think something was ridiculous and when I said I liked it, you would change your opinion. Like the time you went on about the stupidity of Voss water while we were in Cost Plus and I hung my head and said I liked it, because it has a cool glass bottle and you said something to the likes of, "huh, well, that is kind of kick ass, let's get one." Or when you were complaining about Hybrids and I said I was thinking about getting one for my next car and you then said you were thinking of getting one too.
I liked showing you new things. I'm glad I got to be the first one to take you to Archie McPhees and Cost Plus. I'm even happier that you seemed to enjoy yourself.
I don't know how many times I have walked past the famous gum wall and ignored it or not even noticed its existence. You got a pack of gum just for the occasion. We put our gum together, you climbed up a wall and made a heart out of our two pieces that became one.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to care. I want to figure out how to shut this side of me down again so I can just move on with my life like you are doing. How are you doing it? How are you not caring about me at all? How do you spend time with someone and not get attached? I lost that trait years ago. I felt it when it left.

I'm working on my pre-birthday tattoo, it is now more important than ever. It was important to me when I was in a relationship and after being cheated on again, it is making the symbolism of my tattoo that much more relevant to me. I'm getting closer on the artwork, but still not honing in on a permanent idea.

Found the poem I never edited and didn't show you:

~
Since the day I saw you,
You make me anxious I know not why.
Razor sharp spring wire,
Vibrations in my heart,
You send signals through me
And I know not wether to stay or dart.

Complicated feelings, did not know that I would have.
So when I see you I am nervous,
Anxious, happy, funky, glad.
You see, I thought my soul was tired,
Rapidly declining, bitter, mad.

I find this new feeling intriguing,
Growing on me, though I still feel a little sad.
All this to say...I like you, you make me rather glad.
~