I Don't Want to Miss You

When we first met he said it felt like we were old friends reuniting, that we were Legos that fit together perfectly. He would surprise me. He purchased something for me, I unaware until the end of our outing when he handed it to me. We stood in the middle of a bookstore and he read aloud over my shoulder while I debated if I wanted a book. The time I showed up incredibly late, because I was out with my mom beforehand, and he was just sitting in the parking lot waiting for me, not upset. When I asked him to remove something online, he told me why he hadn't and I responded that he wasn't doing it for him, but for me and he removed it. When a miscommunication made me wonder if he lied and he clarified and apologized. When he was a little awkward in normal settings and yet in one that was more chaotic and full of people he knew exactly what he was doing and where he wanted to go. Like the time we went to Pike Place and he escorted me through, he knew exactly where he wanted to purchase the ingredients for dinner. When asked if we would like a sample of chocolate pasta he said, "she'll have one" and then proceeded to order pasta and oil. He was confident in getting shrimp amongst the crowd, yet in a quiet resteraunt he would be so awkward and skim over the menu forever.
I miss the day we stood in the kitchen talking, you cooking, I doing dishes. I miss watching scary movies and ad-libbing. I miss watching you take apart and modify your airsoft gun. I miss your stupid dog that you said was only calm around you and I. I miss the night my alarm kept going off and you kept pushing me back down and I kept falling back asleep. I miss how you never hesitated to pay the check. I like how you weren't nervous to let me drive your car and after the first time, you liked it even. I like how you didn't really want to meet my parents, but my mother went to get you and you made a good impression. When I asked you if it was weird afterwards, you said not really.
I miss you telling me about the science of shapes, caramel color, maraschino cherries, cancer, the zombie apocalypse and several other facts.
I miss hearing your plans for our future, because you were ahead of me. You decided I was your girlfriend the night we met, after you heard me sing. We played pool that night and darts. I made a lot of, "that's what she said" jokes. Towards the end of the night you told me that you didn't know if I knew it, but I was awesome.
One night we stood in the kitchen talking about couples, family life, you said, "if we ever get married," etc. etc. We agree on how we want to raise children. What happened? You tell me that you get afraid of closeness, that I am getting too close. I ask you how, in my head I am not close enough, I am not a committed girlfriend. I have loose strings on my heart. You don't tell me specifics. Was it because I wanted to see you more than once a week? Did you pull away because of said closeness? When we met you were the one asking me to spend the weekends with you, you would say, "what are we doing tomorrow?" and every time I saw you you were asking me not to leave at night. You used to tell me you couldn't stop thinking about me. You made your phone background my picture and took a picture of us together the second night we saw each other.
I don't understand what happened. How did you go from adoring me, texting me morning and night, to sleeping with someone your roommates don't even know? Were you just pretending to care? And if so, why would you do that?
I feel broken, again. Alone. Empty. Sad.
Z emails me, he could tell in the tone of my last email something was wrong. I couldn't decide if I wanted to say anything. I tell him. He reminds me of the five kids I want to have (he remembers), temporarily makes me smile.
I down the rest of my beer. I'm fighting the urge to text him. I almost drove to his house today to punch him, but the thought that he could overtake me, the fact he has guns and modified airsoft weapons made me think better of it. Now I don't feel so much like punching, I feel like curling in a ball and crying.