A Photo, Some Whiskey

I tried not to be bothered
By the knowledge of other texts,
Knowing a website existed where we met.

Yet I find myself anxious
Slightly fidgety inside.
You see I think this part of me 
I thought had died,
Is reuniting with the living side.

So I don't know quite what to do,
But here I am telling you.
It can be ignored 
And perhaps that's what I'll do,
However, the problem remains 
Captive and restrained.
~

My mom had a dream the night before it happened. Two figures. One reading text messages, becomes incredibly angry, starts yelling at the second figure asking, "why?" Goes and picks up a dog, the dog is limp, the figure becomes defeated, sad, wants to be angry again, but gives up. The next night I find out about the other woman from your roommate.

My requests are not working and I was notified that you posted a picture...of the two of you. You never posted the pictures you took of us, yet you post a picture of you and her. She is in the military as well. You told me and your friends you wouldn't date someone in the military again after your ex-wife and gave us several reasons why. I want to say, "fine, whatever," but I don't, I start to cry. I wonder what is wrong with me that these things happen.

We never had closure and I contemplate, is there such a thing? I texted you, "You cheated on me? Is that why I didn't hear from you last night?" you replied, "mew," and that was it. The next day you changed your relationship status on Facebook and I haven't heard from you since. No cover-up, no I'm sorry, no it's your fault for...nothing.

My companions at karaoke have told me that I am getting better each week. I sang You Oughta Know last night and they said I put everything I had into it. R said it was the best song he has heard me sing, I've sung it several times before, but last night was different. Therapeutic song, I've been coming across better because I have been putting emotion into the songs I'm singing instead of just singing them.

A few of my friends have talked to me about their relationships this week, funny as I haven't started the topic of relationships. It seems everyone is having a hard time.

Papers on a shelf. They don't mean anything anymore, yet mean so much. How I wish things were different so badly. How I wish you would sweep me off my feet and make everything better like you can. Because when I'm falling apart you are the only one to make me whole again. I want to go out with you and meet your friends and have you meet mine. I want a place to call home. But your lies and omissions scare me. I've found a confidence in myself I thought I lost, I don't want to return to the person I was. R and I were talking about how sometimes there is one person that you just hold onto and no matter what you keep trying to work things out, because no one else makes you feel the way that they do and when they are gone, you aren't complete. I may be missing another person that I grew attached to while you were gone, but you're my person. And perhaps that sounds strange to some, but you can be in one relationship and be happy in it and care for that person, yet not know where it is going, thinking you will probably never have children with that person and still have it break your heart when they are no longer in your life. And you can have been in another, seeing yourself have a family with that person and not knowing how to get there.