An unexpected text at the end of my lunch, in the middle of my workday. I slip my phone into my purse, close the drawer at my desk and try to act as if everything is fine. I laugh with my co-workers, smile, but in my head I am wondering why he would send me such a text while I am working...send me a text at all and not talk to me face to face if he felt the need. My workday ends, another text, he asks me to tell him when I get off. I consider not responding. I tell him I am finished for the day...nothing. A few hours later I ask if we can talk in person Monday, he asks what about. Seriously? I ask why he wanted to know when I get off, he said because he wanted to clarify his text.
The more I think about it, I am reconsidering meeting at all, what is the point? Nothing will come of it except, most likely, frustration. He won't say anything that will bring me clarity, make me feel better, he will say things that he thinks he should say or, he won't and I will get angry that he is being too honest and hurting my feelings.
I haven't been getting a message that keeps being sent to me. Some Pagans believe that if you are not paying attention to the symbolism of a particular animal than it will appear to you dead so that you do finally notice it. I keep running into the same symbol with the meaning of "death and rebirth...you are aiming at the illusion of letting go, without actually letting go". I am thinking of my current situation with my Monday meeting, how I have handled things in the past and wondering...who do I want to be now? I have the ability to be a different person, to react differently than once before, what do I want to do? Speak my mind as usual, feel heard to where the other person tunes me out or say fuck it and walk away not looking back...
-
"In this tired world, in this broken peace
I am not afraid, I am not afraid
In the darkest hour, I will find my way
On this narrow bridge, on this narrow bridge
Lift me up and lift my eyes far above these falling skies
Give me hope and give me love
In a time of change, In a time of choice
I am not afraid, I am not afraid"
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
There Has to Be Something
Everything was lining up with my nice little bow, with my nice little package, on a little street corner, in a little neighborhood with a white picket fence in a nice little world that apparently doesn't exist.
I'm so frustrated right now that I'm inbetween wanting to hit something, eat food that isn't good for me and cry. The last couple of days I felt like things were coming together. Relationships felt better, I found someone to do my tattoo and found more clarity with what I wanted, I got a great credit card offer from my bank and I found a house to rent.
But when I went to look at the custom built house, the nine windmill style skylights throughout, separate art studio, garden shed, granite counter top in the kitchen, large master suite, tile floor, etc. could not overcome the small lot nor the neighborhood. And the disappointment came crashing in because I was sure when I left my temporary residence today that I was going to be signing a rental application and perhaps be handing someone a deposit.
I'm so frustrated right now that I'm inbetween wanting to hit something, eat food that isn't good for me and cry. The last couple of days I felt like things were coming together. Relationships felt better, I found someone to do my tattoo and found more clarity with what I wanted, I got a great credit card offer from my bank and I found a house to rent.
But when I went to look at the custom built house, the nine windmill style skylights throughout, separate art studio, garden shed, granite counter top in the kitchen, large master suite, tile floor, etc. could not overcome the small lot nor the neighborhood. And the disappointment came crashing in because I was sure when I left my temporary residence today that I was going to be signing a rental application and perhaps be handing someone a deposit.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Inside Out
I have gotten so emotional over a place to really call home, not a temporary solution, a job I don't have to wonder when it will end and a relationship that isn't stable, over the past few weeks that I have caused internal bleeding. Which explains the dizziness I experienced Sunday. I'm hoping to heal on my own.
I don't feel right, getting through work is hard, driving an hour to and from is hard. I don't know how to calm myself down, to not make things worse.
I keep thinking of him being with someone else. With a 42-year-old. The way he said it. So proud, as if it was hard to catch someone who wanted a younger man, though there are jokes and shows called Cougar revolving around such a relationship. I picture her finally realizing how much of a difference that is. A light-bulb moment. I spoke with two 21-year-olds and a 23-year-old and noticed how much of a difference there was between us. I could remember being that age, the plans I had. They seemed so young, cocky, I wanted to give them the double-tap, life hadn't really hit them yet.
He says he is ok with whatever I need, he has told me he will do whatever he needs to to regain my trust and when I spell it out for him, he doesn't follow it and later says he is confused and doesn't know how to fix it, though I repeatedly tell him how to do so. I tell him who not to speak with, I tell him no porn, I tell him to work on not smoking (not as big as the other issues at hand), I tell him to work on himself, getting to work on time, etc. and while doing so stay faithful to the relationship he wants to have. I tell him how relationship boundaries work, that he can't be going on dates, because he goes out with women and doesn't seem to think they are dates if you don't call them that. But things happen...then it becomes my fault for never being someone he can talk to, someone else was there to listen, their body to keep him warm. While I'm here, my heart waiting to give him all I have and having to keep on waiting, because each time he does something he pushes me away. If all we have is our phones and computers, he needs to learn to use them to stay faithful, I have and I thought I could never live if I couldn't see him every day. He doesn't realize how much it hurts me to be apart. So much so I've managed to cause myself to bleed over it. Ha, I have physical proof of how much now. My stomach feels like a giant, painful knot. I have to sleep, work tomorrow...
I don't feel right, getting through work is hard, driving an hour to and from is hard. I don't know how to calm myself down, to not make things worse.
I keep thinking of him being with someone else. With a 42-year-old. The way he said it. So proud, as if it was hard to catch someone who wanted a younger man, though there are jokes and shows called Cougar revolving around such a relationship. I picture her finally realizing how much of a difference that is. A light-bulb moment. I spoke with two 21-year-olds and a 23-year-old and noticed how much of a difference there was between us. I could remember being that age, the plans I had. They seemed so young, cocky, I wanted to give them the double-tap, life hadn't really hit them yet.
He says he is ok with whatever I need, he has told me he will do whatever he needs to to regain my trust and when I spell it out for him, he doesn't follow it and later says he is confused and doesn't know how to fix it, though I repeatedly tell him how to do so. I tell him who not to speak with, I tell him no porn, I tell him to work on not smoking (not as big as the other issues at hand), I tell him to work on himself, getting to work on time, etc. and while doing so stay faithful to the relationship he wants to have. I tell him how relationship boundaries work, that he can't be going on dates, because he goes out with women and doesn't seem to think they are dates if you don't call them that. But things happen...then it becomes my fault for never being someone he can talk to, someone else was there to listen, their body to keep him warm. While I'm here, my heart waiting to give him all I have and having to keep on waiting, because each time he does something he pushes me away. If all we have is our phones and computers, he needs to learn to use them to stay faithful, I have and I thought I could never live if I couldn't see him every day. He doesn't realize how much it hurts me to be apart. So much so I've managed to cause myself to bleed over it. Ha, I have physical proof of how much now. My stomach feels like a giant, painful knot. I have to sleep, work tomorrow...
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Social Interactions
"well today has been one giant pile of fucking suck... whup dee fucking dooo lets see what happens fucking next"
Yes, I understand. While one stands there telling me he is not doing well, I tell him I'm not either and he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that since we have been apart I have done things I never would have done, that I contemplate things I never would have before, put myself in situations I would not have in the past. And afterwards, I stare at myself in the mirror and cry. I'm not ok.
I missed three work related calls today, while being on call. I don't know how many hours they had to wait for me to release, the call history is not cooperating in showing me the time the calls were missed. So, needless to say, tomorrow will be a Monday.
M, from work, was going to come to karaoke Friday, but changed his mind, he needed to head to Portland to see his daughters. His desk is smooshed into the office where there was little space left. I had to get to the file cabinet which is awkwardly positioned near his desk, he said there needed to be some type of rearranging done and I said, "you don't like people hovering over you?" Later, I had to get to the cabinet again and I accidentally kicked his desk and my boss noticed and said something and M mentioned that earlier I was hovering, then I opened the file drawer and my boss said, "watch out she's going to smack you in the head" and asked what I was doing and I said, "apparently trying to get more attention." Then my boss proceeded to ask if I was trying to assert my dominance and if I was going to pee on his bed next, I just said, "I'm just going to go over here now..." and walked over to my desk. The whole office stopped what they were doing so that they could be in on the conversation, it was ridiculous.
I know why J has more ups and downs now...at least I think I do. Some days he will ignore me, others he will be incredibly friendly. Friday, he was friendly. He did a very slow one finger at a time wave from his table, gave me a very long hello hug and when he joined my table at the opposite end, pointed at the empty seat next to him and pulled it out for me to sit with him. Bought me a drink, told me about a song he really likes me to sing, sang the song I like him singing though he was originally going to leave earlier. We even did the duet I have asked him to do before and he was excited to do it. He had gotten a new phone and asked for my number again, asked if I still had his, when I told him that I never had his, he texted me so that I did. Asked why I had not come a few times and that I needed to come both karaoke nights, I said I was seeing someone for awhile and was driving to OH, he did a thumbs-down. Which is entertaining, last I heard, he was back with his ex who lives with him. Before he left he said I should come to his place when he has a get-together sometime. He reminded me of the first night I met him, when we sat in the parking lot with S. But, next time I see him, he will probably be leaning against the wall, quiet again, and when I ask him how he is he will say that his back hurts and things are too slow. Then there will be an awkward silence and I will walk away. His best friend J (#2 as they say) did an excellent job singing, per usual. Got him to join the table, he usually sits alone unless J is with him. He temporarily went to talk to someone they know who was sitting alone and he said he was taking after me, talking to someone who was alone as I did for him.
I got scolded by (yet another) J for not being there last Friday. And when his wife came to talk to him about something, he asked if she was taking him away from his girlfriend. We are a silly group. R is not talking to me as much, which I understand since he is back with his girlfriend, who I know as well, it's just kind of hard. We were talking a lot at karaoke, texting and he kept inviting me out, and now, we barely speak. I respect that, it is what I want in a relationship.
Z emailed me and told me I get confused too much. He said something that was clear, but didn't make sense in a practical way, I thought I offended him in my questioning of it so I apologized by saying I got confused. I know he was trying to be lighthearted, but I'm irritated by his comment. It reminds me of navy J always telling me I think too much.
I need to find a place, I need to unpack. I need a sense of stability in the chaos.
Yes, I understand. While one stands there telling me he is not doing well, I tell him I'm not either and he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that since we have been apart I have done things I never would have done, that I contemplate things I never would have before, put myself in situations I would not have in the past. And afterwards, I stare at myself in the mirror and cry. I'm not ok.
I missed three work related calls today, while being on call. I don't know how many hours they had to wait for me to release, the call history is not cooperating in showing me the time the calls were missed. So, needless to say, tomorrow will be a Monday.
M, from work, was going to come to karaoke Friday, but changed his mind, he needed to head to Portland to see his daughters. His desk is smooshed into the office where there was little space left. I had to get to the file cabinet which is awkwardly positioned near his desk, he said there needed to be some type of rearranging done and I said, "you don't like people hovering over you?" Later, I had to get to the cabinet again and I accidentally kicked his desk and my boss noticed and said something and M mentioned that earlier I was hovering, then I opened the file drawer and my boss said, "watch out she's going to smack you in the head" and asked what I was doing and I said, "apparently trying to get more attention." Then my boss proceeded to ask if I was trying to assert my dominance and if I was going to pee on his bed next, I just said, "I'm just going to go over here now..." and walked over to my desk. The whole office stopped what they were doing so that they could be in on the conversation, it was ridiculous.
I know why J has more ups and downs now...at least I think I do. Some days he will ignore me, others he will be incredibly friendly. Friday, he was friendly. He did a very slow one finger at a time wave from his table, gave me a very long hello hug and when he joined my table at the opposite end, pointed at the empty seat next to him and pulled it out for me to sit with him. Bought me a drink, told me about a song he really likes me to sing, sang the song I like him singing though he was originally going to leave earlier. We even did the duet I have asked him to do before and he was excited to do it. He had gotten a new phone and asked for my number again, asked if I still had his, when I told him that I never had his, he texted me so that I did. Asked why I had not come a few times and that I needed to come both karaoke nights, I said I was seeing someone for awhile and was driving to OH, he did a thumbs-down. Which is entertaining, last I heard, he was back with his ex who lives with him. Before he left he said I should come to his place when he has a get-together sometime. He reminded me of the first night I met him, when we sat in the parking lot with S. But, next time I see him, he will probably be leaning against the wall, quiet again, and when I ask him how he is he will say that his back hurts and things are too slow. Then there will be an awkward silence and I will walk away. His best friend J (#2 as they say) did an excellent job singing, per usual. Got him to join the table, he usually sits alone unless J is with him. He temporarily went to talk to someone they know who was sitting alone and he said he was taking after me, talking to someone who was alone as I did for him.
I got scolded by (yet another) J for not being there last Friday. And when his wife came to talk to him about something, he asked if she was taking him away from his girlfriend. We are a silly group. R is not talking to me as much, which I understand since he is back with his girlfriend, who I know as well, it's just kind of hard. We were talking a lot at karaoke, texting and he kept inviting me out, and now, we barely speak. I respect that, it is what I want in a relationship.
Z emailed me and told me I get confused too much. He said something that was clear, but didn't make sense in a practical way, I thought I offended him in my questioning of it so I apologized by saying I got confused. I know he was trying to be lighthearted, but I'm irritated by his comment. It reminds me of navy J always telling me I think too much.
I need to find a place, I need to unpack. I need a sense of stability in the chaos.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Try is a Doing Word
I sit at a table having a conversation with J, he is extremely friendly on this particular night, and suddenly there you are. Introductions are made, it's a little awkward. You don't come until late, you say you were hanging out with a co-worker and a few other people who remain unnamed. My flag begins to climb. Last I saw you, you looked right at me and said you loved me, that I was made for you. Though I appreciated the sentiment, I knew it meant something more, I could feel it, you had been with someone else. I was hoping I was wrong. Tonight you confirmed my suspicions, you had been seeing an older woman for a few weeks. Now the night I offered to come see you and you told me you were out and did not invite me makes sense, or the time I asked you to come out and you said you were busy with friends and her name was included in the list. I feel ill, like all the times before. Because you are mine. You tell me you didn't start seeing someone until you heard I was, so you understand the feeling of jealousy, would that be the right term? The more people you are with, the less attractive you become.
You say this won't work, because I don't believe it will. And I hate you in that instant, making me the one who will not try hard enough when it is your infidelity that keeps us apart. Do you really not get how much I miss you? How much I want us to start a family? How much you hurt me by being so selfish?
Get your shit together, you're killing us both.
You say this won't work, because I don't believe it will. And I hate you in that instant, making me the one who will not try hard enough when it is your infidelity that keeps us apart. Do you really not get how much I miss you? How much I want us to start a family? How much you hurt me by being so selfish?
Get your shit together, you're killing us both.
Monday, July 2, 2012
On Call
I'm on call and I cannot decide if I attempt sleep to be woken up by an unfamiliar ring tone, stagger to my work laptop and release some documents that have to be taken care of before tomorrow, or stay awake and wait. I'm really tired. I have already seen a few emails come in, they are on the hot list; however, no one has called me regarding them so I am thinking they can wait until morning. I already caught an error on one and emailed a reply. Mmm...my only concern is that I sleep through the call or the reception fails (which my being awake cannot fix)...I am expecting at least one call and they said they would do so by midnight.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Lesson Learned?
I have heared that if the test keeps coming, you haven't passed. So I contemplate, if I keep running into the same wall, what lesson do I keep avoiding? What sign am I not seeing?
I allow myself to be harassed by words and photos and I don't know why. He takes her out on days he told me he wouldn't go out, because they were "lazy days" or because he would be airsofting the next morning and had to wake up very early. They go out often, while he would apologize to me for not wanting to go out. He posts photos of her and of them together, when he never did of us. He posts when they are at certain places and the time he posted we were at a resteraunt, he failed to mention I was with him. So I wonder, was I an embarrassment? Or was I on my way out before I even got in? I try to not let it effect me, to think perhaps we were just not compatible and now he has someone he can be himself with and that is why he is doing all of these things. But then I think of the photos he took, the text messages, the 6 a.m. drive, playing pool, our gum heart, our matching chapstick, the time he got something in his eye or got stitches, and my feelings can't help but be hurt.
And on the other side...my heart is dragging along a very rocky path as the person I have always loved is struggling. But his struggling puts me in a hard place as it always shuts me out and with that comes the fear of someone else coming in, because he used to stop talking to me when he was with someone else. So now no matter what he says there is a fifty/fifty chance of him being depressed or him being with another woman. I need him to figure out how to let me in, because what he doesn't realize is that though he has my heart and that no one makes me feel the way that he does, I have come to a point after everything I have been through that I will risk losing what my heart wants if it means going through more of the same that has been in our past. I want a family so badly and due to that I want a stable environment for a child. I don't want them to ever hear me question their fathers whereabouts. I don't want them to ever hear their father cheated. I know life is not perfect and I might be strong enough to keep handling certain things, but I don't want to bring a child into something that is just going to be broken over and over again.
Z emailed me, as he was running out of text messages. He got the job he has been waiting for. He may have to move, but for now he will be doing the early morning rise, like me.
Work is going well. I almost have all data entry done, two folders that were packed full, since we have been so on top of releasing I have had extra time. I was told when I started that data entry is the least favorite of the tasks, so it was sitting undone for quite awhile. Also, I discovered how to enter a particular type of document that my supervisor was not sure how to process. I began entering all of those, time consuming and repetitive as every document has several drawing numbers listed within it that have to be looked up, that document has to be inserted into the pdf of each and then the Access sheet updated for every one, but it made me feel good that I figured it out. I can't really take credit, I figured it out through discovering an old data file and reviewing it.
IT has been wondering when the Document & Drawing Management System (DMS) was going to run out of room and we found out on Friday when we could no longer release drawings, they had to give us more space.
Tomorrow a new week begins. Let's hope it gets better. Still searching for a place to move, still hoping my last name changes and I find my mornings and nights are not alone.
I allow myself to be harassed by words and photos and I don't know why. He takes her out on days he told me he wouldn't go out, because they were "lazy days" or because he would be airsofting the next morning and had to wake up very early. They go out often, while he would apologize to me for not wanting to go out. He posts photos of her and of them together, when he never did of us. He posts when they are at certain places and the time he posted we were at a resteraunt, he failed to mention I was with him. So I wonder, was I an embarrassment? Or was I on my way out before I even got in? I try to not let it effect me, to think perhaps we were just not compatible and now he has someone he can be himself with and that is why he is doing all of these things. But then I think of the photos he took, the text messages, the 6 a.m. drive, playing pool, our gum heart, our matching chapstick, the time he got something in his eye or got stitches, and my feelings can't help but be hurt.
And on the other side...my heart is dragging along a very rocky path as the person I have always loved is struggling. But his struggling puts me in a hard place as it always shuts me out and with that comes the fear of someone else coming in, because he used to stop talking to me when he was with someone else. So now no matter what he says there is a fifty/fifty chance of him being depressed or him being with another woman. I need him to figure out how to let me in, because what he doesn't realize is that though he has my heart and that no one makes me feel the way that he does, I have come to a point after everything I have been through that I will risk losing what my heart wants if it means going through more of the same that has been in our past. I want a family so badly and due to that I want a stable environment for a child. I don't want them to ever hear me question their fathers whereabouts. I don't want them to ever hear their father cheated. I know life is not perfect and I might be strong enough to keep handling certain things, but I don't want to bring a child into something that is just going to be broken over and over again.
Z emailed me, as he was running out of text messages. He got the job he has been waiting for. He may have to move, but for now he will be doing the early morning rise, like me.
Work is going well. I almost have all data entry done, two folders that were packed full, since we have been so on top of releasing I have had extra time. I was told when I started that data entry is the least favorite of the tasks, so it was sitting undone for quite awhile. Also, I discovered how to enter a particular type of document that my supervisor was not sure how to process. I began entering all of those, time consuming and repetitive as every document has several drawing numbers listed within it that have to be looked up, that document has to be inserted into the pdf of each and then the Access sheet updated for every one, but it made me feel good that I figured it out. I can't really take credit, I figured it out through discovering an old data file and reviewing it.
IT has been wondering when the Document & Drawing Management System (DMS) was going to run out of room and we found out on Friday when we could no longer release drawings, they had to give us more space.
Tomorrow a new week begins. Let's hope it gets better. Still searching for a place to move, still hoping my last name changes and I find my mornings and nights are not alone.
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