Inside Out

I have gotten so emotional over a place to really call home, not a temporary solution, a job I don't have to wonder when it will end and a relationship that isn't stable, over the past few weeks that I have caused internal bleeding. Which explains the dizziness I experienced Sunday. I'm hoping to heal on my own.
I don't feel right, getting through work is hard, driving an hour to and from is hard. I don't know how to calm myself down, to not make things worse.
I keep thinking of him being with someone else. With a 42-year-old. The way he said it. So proud, as if it was hard to catch someone who wanted a younger man, though there are jokes and shows called Cougar revolving around such a relationship. I picture her finally realizing how much of a difference that is. A light-bulb moment. I spoke with two 21-year-olds and a 23-year-old and noticed how much of a difference there was between us. I could remember being that age, the plans I had. They seemed so young, cocky, I wanted to give them the double-tap, life hadn't really hit them yet.
He says he is ok with whatever I need, he has told me he will do whatever he needs to to regain my trust and when I spell it out for him, he doesn't follow it and later says he is confused and doesn't know how to fix it, though I repeatedly tell him how to do so. I tell him who not to speak with, I tell him no porn, I tell him to work on not smoking (not as big as the other issues at hand), I tell him to work on himself, getting to work on time, etc. and while doing so stay faithful to the relationship he wants to have. I tell him how relationship boundaries work, that he can't be going on dates, because he goes out with women and doesn't seem to think they are dates if you don't call them that. But things happen...then it becomes my fault for never being someone he can talk to, someone else was there to listen, their body to keep him warm. While I'm here, my heart waiting to give him all I have and having to keep on waiting, because each time he does something he pushes me away. If all we have is our phones and computers, he needs to learn to use them to stay faithful, I have and I thought I could never live if I couldn't see him every day. He doesn't realize how much it hurts me to be apart. So much so I've managed to cause myself to bleed over it. Ha, I have physical proof of how much now. My stomach feels like a giant, painful knot. I have to sleep, work tomorrow...