Lesson Learned?

I have heared that if the test keeps coming, you haven't passed. So I contemplate, if I keep running into the same wall, what lesson do I keep avoiding? What sign am I not seeing?

I allow myself to be harassed by words and photos and I don't know why. He takes her out on days he told me he wouldn't go out, because they were "lazy days" or because he would be airsofting the next morning and had to wake up very early. They go out often, while he would apologize to me for not wanting to go out. He posts photos of her and of them together, when he never did of us. He posts when they are at certain places and the time he posted we were at a resteraunt, he failed to mention I was with him. So I wonder, was I an embarrassment? Or was I on my way out before I even got in? I try to not let it effect me, to think perhaps we were just not compatible and now he has someone he can be himself with and that is why he is doing all of these things. But then I think of the photos he took, the text messages, the 6 a.m. drive, playing pool, our gum heart, our matching chapstick, the time he got something in his eye or got stitches, and my feelings can't help but be hurt.

And on the other side...my heart is dragging along a very rocky path as the person I have always loved is struggling. But his struggling puts me in a hard place as it always shuts me out and with that comes the fear of someone else coming in, because he used to stop talking to me when he was with someone else. So now no matter what he says there is a fifty/fifty chance of him being depressed or him being with another woman. I need him to figure out how to let me in, because what he doesn't realize is that though he has my heart and that no one makes me feel the way that he does, I have come to a point after everything I have been through that I will risk losing what my heart wants if it means going through more of the same that has been in our past. I want a family so badly and due to that I want a stable environment for a child. I don't want them to ever hear me question their fathers whereabouts. I don't want them to ever hear their father cheated. I know life is not perfect and I might be strong enough to keep handling certain things, but I don't want to bring a child into something that is just going to be broken over and over again.

Z emailed me, as he was running out of text messages. He got the job he has been waiting for. He may have to move, but for now he will be doing the early morning rise, like me.

Work is going well. I almost have all data entry done, two folders that were packed full, since we have been so on top of releasing I have had extra time. I was told when I started that data entry is the least favorite of the tasks, so it was sitting undone for quite awhile. Also, I discovered how to enter a particular type of document that my supervisor was not sure how to process. I began entering all of those, time consuming and repetitive as every document has several drawing numbers listed within it that have to be looked up, that document has to be inserted into the pdf of each and then the Access sheet updated for every one, but it made me feel good that I figured it out. I can't really take credit, I figured it out through discovering an old data file and reviewing it.
IT has been wondering when the Document & Drawing Management System (DMS) was going to run out of room and we found out on Friday when we could no longer release drawings, they had to give us more space.

Tomorrow a new week begins. Let's hope it gets better. Still searching for a place to move, still hoping my last name changes and I find my mornings and nights are not alone.