Social Interactions

"well today has been one giant pile of fucking suck... whup dee fucking dooo lets see what happens fucking next"
Yes, I understand. While one stands there telling me he is not doing well, I tell him I'm not either and he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that since we have been apart I have done things I never would have done, that I contemplate things I never would have before, put myself in situations I would not have in the past. And afterwards, I stare at myself in the mirror and cry. I'm not ok.
I missed three work related calls today, while being on call. I don't know how many hours they had to wait for me to release, the call history is not cooperating in showing me the time the calls were missed. So, needless to say, tomorrow will be a Monday.

M, from work, was going to come to karaoke Friday, but changed his mind, he needed to head to Portland to see his daughters. His desk is smooshed into the office where there was little space left. I had to get to the file cabinet which is awkwardly positioned near his desk, he said there needed to be some type of rearranging done and I said, "you don't like people hovering over you?" Later, I had to get to the cabinet again and I accidentally kicked his desk and my boss noticed and said something and M mentioned that earlier I was hovering, then I opened the file drawer and my boss said, "watch out she's going to smack you in the head" and asked what I was doing and I said, "apparently trying to get more attention." Then my boss proceeded to ask if I was trying to assert my dominance and if I was going to pee on his bed next, I just said, "I'm just going to go over here now..." and walked over to my desk. The whole office stopped what they were doing so that they could be in on the conversation, it was ridiculous.

I know why J has more ups and downs now...at least I think I do. Some days he will ignore me, others he will be incredibly friendly. Friday, he was friendly. He did a very slow one finger at a time wave from his table, gave me a very long hello hug and when he joined my table at the opposite end, pointed at the empty seat next to him and pulled it out for me to sit with him. Bought me a drink, told me about a song he really likes me to sing, sang the song I like him singing though he was originally going to leave earlier. We even did the duet I have asked him to do before and he was excited to do it. He had gotten a new phone and asked for my number again, asked if I still had his, when I told him that I never had his, he texted me so that I did. Asked why I had not come a few times and that I needed to come both karaoke nights, I said I was seeing someone for awhile and was driving to OH, he did a thumbs-down. Which is entertaining, last I heard, he was back with his ex who lives with him. Before he left he said I should come to his place when he has a get-together sometime. He reminded me of the first night I met him, when we sat in the parking lot with S. But, next time I see him, he will probably be leaning against the wall, quiet again, and when I ask him how he is he will say that his back hurts and things are too slow. Then there will be an awkward silence and I will walk away. His best friend J (#2 as they say) did an excellent job singing, per usual. Got him to join the table, he usually sits alone unless J is with him. He temporarily went to talk to someone they know who was sitting alone and he said he was taking after me, talking to someone who was alone as I did for him.
I got scolded by (yet another) J for not being there last Friday. And when his wife came to talk to him about something, he asked if she was taking him away from his girlfriend. We are a silly group. R is not talking to me as much, which I understand since he is back with his girlfriend, who I know as well, it's just kind of hard. We were talking a lot at karaoke, texting and he kept inviting me out, and now, we barely speak. I respect that, it is what I want in a relationship.

Z emailed me and told me I get confused too much. He said something that was clear, but didn't make sense in a practical way, I thought I offended him in my questioning of it so I apologized by saying I got confused. I know he was trying to be lighthearted, but I'm irritated by his comment. It reminds me of navy J always telling me I think too much.

I need to find a place, I need to unpack. I need a sense of stability in the chaos.