One Day

Sometimes I lay
Under the moon
And thank G-d I'm breathing
Then I pray
Don't take me soon
Cause I'm here for a reason
Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
~

A pause. A moment. Still waiting for life to begin. I feel as if I have been waiting for twenty-five years for life to start, I am closer, I see where I want to go and it is almost attainable, but there is still the waiting. And with it an amazing fear that all of the pursuits of wants and waiting gathered to a place where I will be disappointed with the result, where it will not be enough, and then what?
I feel amazingly alone and within that find myself looking for what can fill the hole. I have been looking up the Jewish community here. I miss hearing Hebrew. I miss being more thankful for the good days and feeling as if there was an open line of communication on the bad.

Alone

I feel utterly alone. I try to decide what stays, what goes. I try to handle the emotional turmoil I am going through, because though people say they are there for me they are running in their own direction of issues. Tomorrow will make it exactly one week before I depart and will set in motion a series of stressful events that take place when one is preparing to move. I'm tired and overwhelmed and lonely.

My Tears Misread

Is it so hard to satisfy your senses
You found out to love me
You have to climb some fences
Scratching and crawling along the floor to touch you

And just when it feels right
You say you found someone to hold you
Does she like I do?

Baby, tell me does she love you
Like the way I love you?
Does she stimulate you
Attract and captivate you?

Tell me does she miss you
Existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do?

Tell me does she want you
Infatuate and haunt you?
Does she know just how to shock you
Electrify and rock you?

Does she inject you
Seduce you and affect you?
Like the way I do, like the way I do

Can I survive all
The implications even if I tried?
Could you be less than an addiction?

Don't you think I know there's so many others
Who would beg, steal and lie, fight, kill and die
Just to hold you, hold you like I do

Baby, tell me does she love you
Like the way I love you?
Does she stimulate you
Attract and captivate you?

Tell me does she miss you
Existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do?

Tell me does she want you
Infatuate and haunt you?
Does she know just how to shock you
Electrify and rock you?

Does she inject you
Seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do?

Nobody loves you
Like the way I do
Nobody wants you
Like the way I do

Nobody needs you
Like the way I do
Nobody aches, nobody aches
Just to hold you
Like the way I do
~

We met for a coffee approximately a week ago, had dinner, then drove around thinking of children's names. It was nice. "Normal," can it be called that? I'm not sure other unwed couples drive around thinking of their unborn children, but it made me happy to think of a joyful future. Maybe we could teach our kids not to screw things up so badly or to have coping skills we don't. Then another week passed without seeing you.
Last night you came by, we were ok and then your phone buzzed and when you looked at it you turned it so as to hide the screen from me, much like you often do, but the secrets are exhausting me. You ran into an old friend and you went to see a "flame" to try and put some things to rest for yourself. I was tired last night, in-between wanting to cry and fall asleep. You mistook my "tears" for the fact you went. I'm upset not because you went, I understand needing to close relationships, but rather the timing and that you couldn't discuss it with me. I'm starting to seriously question who I am with you. You will finally tell me something and say that you weren't sure how I would take it, if I would break up with you or hit you and I'm starting to wonder...am I really that irrational? Is it that you think that whatever you do isn't a big deal and am I overreacting? There are some things I know I am not going over-the-top about and my opinion will not change, but others...I'm getting confused. But the problem lies within lies, every little thing I have to gear myself up to be something more. The girl who waved? Might not be just the girl who waved. Your phone that buzzes at midnight might not be just another alert. That phone number in your recent call list? She might not be a girl you were just talking to, you might have slept with her. Unfortunately, I've been trained very well to take normal everyday interactions and blow them up into something more. As for my request, is it really that hard to back off from female relationships for awhile so we can pull ourselves back together? You asked what you could do and now you won't do it, it seems the forever you want doesn't mean a lifetime because you are only building temporary trust and breaking it.
We aren't ever going to be ok if you don't learn to include me: Rachel sent a funny email about zombies, want to see it? Lily made a move on Words with Friends, want to help me with my word? Sharon and I have a business lunch, brad can't go, do you want to join us?
If you keep living a separate life where I don't know what you are doing inside your phone or in the world without me and people know I exist, but they never see me, you leave us open to several situations like before. You wondered how my parents have survived, because my dads friends and coworkers know who my mom is and vice versa, they are real people to them and therefor people don't want to get in-between their relationship.
I have an amazing amount of energy for three hours of sleep, the crash is not going to be good...

Today I Feel Sorry For Myself

I am so tired. I shut down at eight-thirty last night, not that I slept, I just couldn't take in any more input. Dust is starting to settle on my desk, I see it from where I sit each morning and each night and yet I don't have the will to do something about it. I feel like I'm starving all the time, partially due to my lack of actual nourishment and also, a familiar foe, comfort food. There is a change this time; however, I recognize that I am stressing and therefor my brain seeks the kitchen as there is no one to keep me occupied. So instead, I attempt staying busy and when that doesn't work, sit in my room, my blood sugar drops, my stomach feels as though it is eating itself and I tell myself it's all in my head.
Where is my person that will drive for hours bar hopping to find me when I've "shut the world out"? Where is my "are you ok" text? I'm lonely, I feel like crap and my life sucks. That's how I feel right now.

Hello Pillow, Can I Have A Z?

I drag myself out of bed in the morning, one foot in front of the other. I'm told I look tired, I'm asked if I'm ok. I toss and turn at night. I take a shower. Show my little sister how to make Malt 'O Meal. I grade her classwork from the previous day so that she can begin the next lesson once we have reviewed. Afterwards, she does a chore then is free to watch a movie or play my PS2 while I pack boxes. When the day is done there is no other option, but to sleep, wake up and do it all over again.
My mom is in OKC this week. I was there a couple of days, but the interactions were frustrating me. I do miss the little one though. I met with the moving company yesterday, I'm afraid I did not pack my boxes well enough for such a lengthy travel.
I'm overwhelmed.
Without my mother knowing anything she said that we aren't really dating, that hurt, but probably more so because it's true. I don't understand a relationship where you don't see each other and you don't talk. You wondered how my parents relationship survived while they were in separate states, they communicated. Which brings me to four paths: you want to break-up with me but don't want to hurt my feelings, you're seeing someone else, you did something stupid and are avoiding telling me, your combination of meds isn't helping and you should see your doctor.
The red head at Starbucks, I keep feeling there is more to that story...probably because there is always more to your stories than what you initially tell me. First you had forgotten to tell me that she was flirting with you so you left SB, then we meet up on another day and she supposedly takes a photo of us/you on her phone and you mention it is the same girl. I've done a lot of random things, but they made more sense than that. Considering your inability to say no, I'm starting to wonder if you gave her your phone number and she wanted an assigned photo once she saw you. If it had been an actual camera it would not be so out of place, but due to the fact she used her phone, she opened a can of worms.
I wonder why every major change in my life is at the same time you are utterly depressed? When neither one can help the other.

Babies

Twelve hours later...a boy was born. So my thoughts on this process...the initial reason to induce was because they were tired of waiting for the baby to come naturally. But due to his size and my sisters blood pressure the doctor wanted to do it as well. They were admitted around 6 a.m. the ball got rolling around 8. When she started to feel contractions she didn't like them so she asked for the epidural, the rest of the day if she felt some pain she would hit a button and the pain meds would make it go away. She began to feel some pain in her back that the epidural was not resolving so she asked for additional pain killers, which they supplied her. She was numb and couldn't move her legs. Due to this she couldn't walk or roll from side to side which delayed the birth. You could monitor her contractions on a screen and she would just lay there, talking through them. Her husband was bored, there was no comforting going on, they weren't excited that they were about to become a family. She delivered at 6:12 p.m.
Due to the epidural, she couldn't push so it was between a c-section or "vacuuming" him out. She went with the later. This causes the baby to have a temporary, misshaped head and may cause them to have a headache. He was very quiet, but he was also on all of the pain meds she was on, so it will take a couple of days for them to run through his system.
Two women in rooms on either side of her had natural childbirths and you could hear them screaming for about 20 - 30 minutes, then you heard the sound of the infants.
Observation & conversation: from the women I have talked to and seen those that have had a natural childbirth versus those that have had an epidural/"the easy way" are more excited and connected to their children and their husbands are as well. They are amazed by the little life not wondering who to send a message to on Facebook and when they are getting back to work. So I can only conclude that the way to go is hold out as long as possible, get pissed off that something hurts that much, and make sure to get the epidural before it's too late, but not so soon that you miss the experience.
I'm getting attached to the name David Asahel. David means beloved, Asahel means created by G-d. In the bible David was Asahel's uncle. I cannot remember if David was a good person...there is The Star of David. And in my life Asahel was used several times within the family.
I cannot wait to have a home. I'm in limbo and it's getting to me.

Hello Tile, Hello Sink

I sit in the bathroom and cry, typing text messages I do not send. Last night - I call, you do not answer. I ask you questions, you don't respond. I feel so alone. I want you to hug me. I want to lay on the bed next to you, hear your heartbeat as my head lays upon your chest, your arm around me, your warm lips kissing my face, feel your toes touching mine. I want everything where it should be. I want us out of this fucking state that has drained me of every ounce of happiness to where all I feel is sorrow.
My mom and I aren't getting along, not really. We have conversations where she starts to justify things to me and I get frustrated, it's fine if you want to do something or if you have an opinion, but don't tell me why it's right. Inside my head I struggle with not telling people to stop justifying their actions as they speak to me. With my mother, I get quiet during this time or make a snotty comment that makes us want to take a discussion break. I know this is partially due to what you and I are going through, but it doesn't make it go away.
I have to be up early tomorrow, about the time I fall asleep, my sister is inducing labor at 6 a.m. and we are driving to OKC. Seeing the little one and driving back to be out of the way as my brother-in-law's parents arrive.
I completed lesson one in my new classical roots vocab book, tonight I will do lesson two. I don't want to, but sometimes that's when you need to do something the most. I don't want to be this inept forever. As a child I would take a dictionary to bed and try to learn new words, I loved them.
I found out I have been taking the wrong dose of my migraine meds which is why my headaches are back, I have been taking two pills less than I am supposed to. I don't know when I started disobeying the directions, it was quite awhile ago and I don't know why, but I have started back on the correct dose. Downfall, I can expect to feel even more "out of my head" than I already do.
I don't know how you are getting through day by day not talking to me. Do I love you more than you love me? Are you spending your time with another? I can still picture your face, our intimate moments, but they are beginning to fade, I keep trying to remember so that they don't. I hate being apart.

Sleep Eludes Me

I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn, my brain a wheel of thoughts, my heart a place for emotions until three or four in the morning. My eyes grow tired of screens after one, so I just lay there. Everything is tangled in a vine of uncertainty and I want someone, no, you, to tell me it will be ok. But I don't want false words riding on a tongue of hope, I want an imaginary lightning bolt of knowing to strike your meaning and for it to be everlasting. Too fluffy right? Probably. I want to live in that world for awhile though, even though it doesn't exist and cannot be found.
I know exactly what I want you to do and I struggle with not telling you daily, because I think to myself, how amazing it would feel, how much stronger we would be, if you thought of it on your own. So instead I cry. I have lost my faith where I believe that things work out for the best no matter how and now each day is terrifying. I keep waiting for my "and that is my G-d" moment to come as they used to do, but how can I receive positive energy when I am not sending it?
My mom keeps telling me that it's fine if you come over, she doesn't consider it her house now. I think she believes you are trying to stay out of the way due to the past awkwardness. She said she feels like she is getting in the way and throwing us off of our normal routine. How sad to all be under one roof, but as adults and we have so much burdening us. She is not doing well. She hasn't been telling me what's going on because she doesn't want me to worry, but I told her I worry more when she doesn't talk. She can't drive anymore, she can't open lids, she can't go downstairs. It's in her nerves. If it is what a couple of our relatives had, in a few years she will have to be in a wheelchair. I see her daily struggles. She thinks she is useless now, understandable she has been the "doer" of the family, constantly moving, fixing, evolving, managing. But even though she can't run around as she once did, I hear the familiar sound of text messages from the other room, she is keeping my sister sane as she grows impatient for her pregnancy to be over, and she keeps my dad going when he gets too lonely. The amazingly selfish part of me sees how this grandchild will be too hard for her to enjoy and I think, by the time I have a child, she might not be able to lift her arms. Meanwhile, my father needs knee surgery and I have to play the waiting game to find out if I have cancer. Why is life this complicated?

Sooner Rather than Later

I don't like change, we know this, it seems I may be forced into it sooner rather than later which may be the way to go as I may never have made the move on my own otherwise. My family is planning on renting a house up north, renting the one here and having our belongings moved up there, perhaps set in motion to where I will be driving up next month as I will no longer be able to live here.
Which makes me wonder...what of us? Are you out there trying to "get your shit together" or are you doing more of the same, pooling events together that will become strings of lies? I wish you were communicating more, even if you weren't getting responses. I wish I knew you were out there as much as you know I am.
I keep thinking of our intimate moments, that so many couples lack. I miss you. I miss us.

Are You Out There?

No email, no text from you saying, "I miss you," "I love you," "I'm going to fix things and make this work, you'll see," nothing...and so I try very hard not to completely break down, wondering, did you mean all of the things you said or did you say what I wanted to hear? You told me when you had decided you wanted to be with me forever, but it was not you who brought us back together, forced an uncomfortable conversation. When you are gone, do you ever return? Or do you wait until it's too late? I have always been terrified of people leaving, it sucks when they don't fight to come back either, it makes you question if they ever really cared. Because if you think the other person wants space, isn't there a part of you that wants to make sure that they know you are there? That you both will be ok together in the end?
Family name, Asahel (pronounced Az ah hel), hebrew, in the bible it was David's sisters son, he was noted as being swift of foot and valiant. I think it would be a good name for my son. Crazy right, to keep planning for a family I can't seem to get to.
A couple of weeks ago I put math programs on my iPad, I need to remember what I once learned, to obtain a job and so that I can confidently homeschool. I recently bought a couple of math books and vocabulary work books, an investment in my future, at least that's what I told myself when I saw how much I had spent. B&N had a children's book of scary stories that I had growing up, it is an "I Can Read" book for ages 5-8. I was so excited, I had to get it for my children. It has the story of the girl with the green ribbon.
I haven't been watching Breaking Bad or Hotel Babylon. I want to lay next to you and watch them with you and the fact that you aren't here to do that with makes me cry.

An Instant of Happiness, Now a Broken Heart

I missed your call, then I was supposed to call you back in a couple of minutes which turned out to be over an hour later, no answer. I thought you must have made plans, I was disappointed. Then a text, you wanted to stop by and what's this, you had a surprise? You were there within minutes and my heart began to flutter as it always does when I see you, I get excited like I'm going on a first date, after all of these years you still make me feel that way. You brought me new Magic cards, a great surprise, you haven't surprised me like that in so long. I thought you would want to leave after handing them over, that you had plans or simply did not want to be at the "awkward house," but you wanted to stay. I was happy, genuinely happy. I wanted to keep kissing you. I wanted to sit next to you and hold your hand and tell you I love you. I was exhausted before, but now I wanted to stay up with you.
Then your phone buzzed, Words with Friends, you say a woman's name. My heart sank. I struggled. I am glad you were honest and said who it was, but how many times have I asked for the full list of players and you have only given me men's names? The rest of our Magic game I was distracted, I couldn't stop thinking. And I'm pissed off that my happiness could be taken away so quickly. You asked if I wanted to play again and I thought, "yes, if I hadn't just found out that you lied again." Your reason for not telling me the truth? You knew it would upset me. A good rule of thumb, if you know it is going to upset someone, especially your significant other, it is probably a bad idea in the first place and a worse idea if you can't tell them.
Today my heart hurts, literally and figuratively. I feel as though it is in a very tight space. My mom keeps asking if I'm ok and if she can do anything. She doesn't know what's going on, I wont talk about it, but I can't fake happiness and I had a headache most of the day.
I told you how to start regaining my trust, I told you to honestly try to stop smoking, no porn, that you can't communicate with women until boundaries are set and we are ok, and you would rather lie to me than save our relationship. I'm worried if I don't keep fighting for us, you'll give up and that's a shitty way to feel. I've fought for us for almost six years, through your numerous disappearances and I fear that if I have one of my own that you will move on to someone else within a couple of days. I don't want to think like that, I want to know your mine, but you have given me so many fears. I want to know that if I'm too tired to fight, that you will be there to pick up the slack. I want to know you are all in, even when I'm struggling with being so. Because if you can't be faithful in those times as well, we never have a shot, especially at a successful marriage.
I feel so alone. I'm tired of crying when no one is in the room. I wanted us to get married and have kids and you keep flipping me the bird regarding an adult relationship. So I lay in bed hugging your pillow, feeling like my heart is going to explode, scared that everything I ever wanted for us is slipping through my fingers.

Things That Make Me Happy

List One:

1. Poptarts
2. A triple, venti, peppermint, mocha, stirred
3. Clean sheets
4. Babies
5. People watching
6. Surprise presents
7. Not being hungry all day, I feel like I'm losing weight while not doing anything
8. Singing
9. Writing
10. Having to wake up in the middle of the night to get a poem written before it flees from my head
11. Jumping in water with my clothes on
12. Standing in the rain
13. Holding hands
14. Feeling my brother beside me
15. Conquering unhappy emotions
16. My ability to stop self mutilation even when the urge is overwhelming, but my mind wins over and I am glad to know that I have the ability to say no to my wants in a moment when it isn't good for me in the long run
17. My car, talking to her when she is running hard or we haven't seen each other for awhile
18. My bottom lip, I happen to think it's sexy

What if?

I'm starting to worry that I should call my doctor, yet I don't want to know. I got at least two STDs over the course of your excursions. I waited a long time before I went to the doctor because I didn't know what was wrong and was embarrassed. Untreated STDs can lead to infertility and if I find out I can't have kids, my heart will be broken worse than ever. I'm scared that the thing I have wanted more than anything, I might not be able to have. Another reason to be monogamous.

Fight or Flight

I didn't sleep well, my mind won't shut off. I am trying to find a way to pose what is in my head without sounding like a disparaging woman.
I think I saw her yesterday and if I am wrong, well, then my thoughts put me in an even worse light. I heard a voice slightly familiar, but not enough to know who it belonged to, I looked, and began to have a panic attack. She stared at me, no smile, nothing. I didn't know what to do...begin an unpleasant conversation? Start a conversation in which I am incredibly kind, but look at her so that she understands that I am all knowing or run? She went back to her seat and I decided that my life is not going to be ruined for something I did not do, I took a breath, smiled as the barista made a joke with another customer and kept looking at the websites I was perusing. She came back, stood next me as she waited for her drink. Again, not long after, she came back for a glass of water, stood next to me. You came and she left.
You don't want to hurt her feelings and though I understand what you mean by that, it still hurts me. Because you both could have cared less about my feelings for a long time and now still, you don't want to hurt her when you have hurt me so much. What does it take to get that kind of care from you?
I don't know how to care for someone that can be so disrespectful to a relationship that was already in place. How do you care for someone that even now wants me out of the picture?
I know why I can't sleep, but I don't like what it means. Besides all of the other struggles we have had. I am having a hard time thinking that you can care for someone that would knowingly ruin a relationship, breaking the heart of someone else because they are so selfish. And I think if you wanted to be with someone like that, I don't want to be in the same category. I am not perfect. I have made a lot of stupid mistakes, I have hurt people. I have gotten involved with other peoples relationships, but I have handled it differently. I'm not trying to be self-righteous and I can feel you defending her even as I write this, which worries me.
You said she doesn't respect me and I wonder what you said to put me in such a light, besides the fact that she was able to start something so she could tell you weren't happy. I don't know what to do with the fact that you are allowed to work late every night, sleep in every weekend and I am to remain faithful and when I was working late and was too tired to go out to the bar after work, you had to go find someone else. You wanted me available when you wanted me, yet you wanted me to take over my department and were so proud at how hard I was working. You punished me for doing what you wanted me to do in the first place, be a hard working career woman. The problem was, you wanted to be a bachelor while having a stable relationship and you wanted a career woman that was available at the drop of a hat that had energy to go out. You can't have it all.

NY, NY

I didn't realize how unhappy I would be that you left. I wanted to see you, found out that your hypothetical plans to move to New York had taken root. I always asked you to run away with me, elope, that we could make it work, why not? You would reply that I did not want you, you had a lot of issues. It was our thing, we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere. I remember when we first started talking at Borders, you got a book, then later had to return it. I then saw you upstairs, took a break, we started talking. At some point, another day perhaps, you asked if I liked sushi, said we should have some sometime. I remember taking a lunch break with you, you and I sitting on the floor in the magazine section talking, while people walked over us. I remember you telling me you didn't date, us getting in a laughing argument as to who initiated flirting with who. We became friends and I was happy with that. It's really bothering me that you're gone.

A Phone Conversation

A phone rings.
Hi sweety. What have you been up to all day? Oh, reading the second book? How are you feeling? I'm at Starbucks, do you want to come down or should we go get dinner? Well, why don't you walk over, I'm at the Starbucks at Utica Square. It's not too hot, it would be good for you to stretch your legs. And then you can go over to Petty's with me, what would you like to eat? You'll need to eat something. I could rent a movie or you can bring one. Ok, I'll see you soon. Love you sweety.
He sits working on his laptop waiting for his girlfriend, no wedding band, gray hair. Such love in his voice when he spoke on the phone.

Trust Your Instincts

My instincts have not let me down so far. Even when I thought they were wrong, it may have taken a couple of years to find out they were right, but they were. I've been having this nagging feeling, like something wasn't right, I couldn't tell if it was in the past or present. And now I know, it wasn't as simple as you initially made it seem or I really wasn't listening to what you had tried to tell me.
I'm broken. I feel so alone and hurt. A hurt that is deep, like someone ripped out my guts and is displaying them for me. I punched you, not nearly how I wanted to, not hard enough, I didn't feel it and my hand isn't even red. How many cruel things I have said to you, that I wish I hadn't, I don't want to get back at you that way and yet the words keep coming as if I am trying to pinpoint something in particular.
She didn't want to be with you while you were in a relationship, still makes me laugh. Maybe she shouldn't have started then. How I would like to run into her now. I could very easily or I could gossip about her to others, we are friends with some of the same, but I won't. You tried to start something with someone else while still with me. I gave you all I could give, my time (I would wake up at 5 a.m., leave at 4 a.m. and drive over on my lunch breaks for you), my heart, and I moved out of my parents mostly because you wanted me to, to find out that it wasn't really worth it because you went for other women anyway even though I was available any hour.
I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to cut myself right now. Why have I turned into this person?
I have no friends to talk to. I wish my brother were here even though he would kick my ass. I just want him here. Tonight I will fall asleep imagining he is, in the morning I will take a shower, put on my makeup and try and hide the fact I've been crying.

Stop, No Go

Struggling as of late, trying not to and failing. Will it ever end? Relating to people with tattoos and piercings more and more. Would like to cover myself, look tougher on the outside and perhaps by looking in the mirror I can convince myself that I am that strong on the inside. Been fighting the urge to get something done.

Applying for jobs, but not as often as one unemployed should be. I find myself slipping back into depression, sleeping longer than I should. I have to fight this, I need to be worth fighting for...

Went to karaoke last night, will be rollerskating tonight. I have to push myself to do these things as the thought of them makes me want to curl up, watch a movie and go to sleep, but once I am out I am OK, I don't mind being social. It's just the thought that creates a hiccup.

~
Build a wall of books

Between us in our bed

Repeat, repeat the words

That I know we both have said


Relax into the need

We get so comfortable

Remember when I was

So strange and likable


I just want back in your head

I just want back in your head

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray


When I get a little scared

When I get a little scared

When I get a little


When I jerk away

From holding hands with you

I know these habits hurt

Important parts of you


Remember when I was

Sweet and unexplainable

Nothing like this person

Unlovable


I just want back in your head

I just want back in your head

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray


When I get a little scared

When I get a little scared

When I get a little scared

When I get a little


Run run run run

Run run run run


I just want back in your head

I just want back in your head

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray


I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I Saw You

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat
~
And then I saw you, the you I fell in love with, the one that stood, just you and I. I sat having a discussion with my sister at a coffee shop, made a "your mom" joke with the barista, my sister looked embarrassed like she would when my mom would speak with strangers. I see her wave, look to see who, it is you. Not her battle, I will let it rest for now, and I am so glad to see you, though by your face I can tell that you did not seek me out, you were not meaning to run into me. Another beverage needed, a conversation starts again with a different stranger, we discuss the menu, then he says there is a six minute limit to the line, I took too long deciding, I will have to leave and come back. I ask if I can have his minutes, he says that he didn't think of that, it's a brilliant idea because he only used 30 seconds and says we should shake on it, pretends to spit in his hand and shakes mine. I'm friendly. I forgot I was friendly. I forgot I was funny. I forgot I knew how to talk to strangers. I find myself becoming more like my mother and liking it. We sit at a table, you speak with my sister, I notice I'm slouching, I try to straighten my back, but not because someone signals me to, not because someone wants me to, but because I want to.
You mentioned my voice changes during a conversation not too long ago and now I find myself catching it. I notice it when I speak with other people, when I speak with you, I start sounding young, mousy, unsure and inside my head I'm thinking, "fuck" and try and find a way to my lower, normal pitch.
You said that my recent trip to visit my parents was beneficial, I agree. I feel like I am doing things more for myself now, I feel more confident. And though I still cry myself to sleep with thoughts I don't want to think, I want to learn to channel those feelings into the strong person I know I can be.
There are moments I wish I had a pause button so I could replay you in my mind, you said something so incredibly kind and (romantic? that doesn't seem like the word to describe it), that you want to make the world wonderful with me and bring children into it. I wish I had a better memory...I know you said wonderful...and children...
And as you were leaving, you said that I was acting like a wife and you have noticed it for awhile, you packed your lunch, said that you are acting like a husband. I thought to myself, "shoot, that's not what you want," then you surprised me by coming over, kissing me and saying, "I like it."
Kissing you in different moments of the evening, it was you. It was five years ago when the worst was a curfew. And though it wasn't a completely carefree night, I was able to resist the urge to bring up "the others" when I felt comparisons. I think that even though I have always said it, I am finally starting to believe that you either love me and will stand up for me and my morals or stop wasting my time.
I don't know if it's the struggles this past year has brought, the trip I took, my birthday (as everyone says something changes at 25), but I feel older. It's strange having a feeling of responsibility to handle situations differently. I have always wanted children, but it is scary to have the ticking time clock syndrome all of a sudden. There is something inside that just tells you that you are running out of time and need to have kids as soon as possible, I remember my sister running into the same thing when she turned 25. It's easier to have children the younger you are and when you want to have five like I do, it's scary to think that the longer you wait, the older you will be trying to carry them to term. I have always pictured being the young, hip mom that my kids like taking out and want their friends to be around. And my body isn't nice as it is.
~
I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh, I hope that it won't end though alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?

I Did it Again

I did it again, I pushed you away without meaning to. I don't know why I expect you to sit there while I say the things I need to say, hurtful things that won't really get us anywhere in the long run. I wish so badly that when I did you would grab me and hold me and tell me you're sorry, but you don't, you get angry and hurt...I would to. You yelled back and then you walked out. I sat at the table, our food growing cold, and cried. I paced, I controlled myself from the urge to punch the wall, I cried more. And then I stopped. I remembered looking into your eyes as I spoke to you and seeing tears and for the first time, I saw actual remorse. It's strange out of all of our conversations, I don't remember you genuinely saying you are sorry, but at the table, you looked it and you looked deeply hurt by my words. So I stopped crying and felt this calm come over me as if I finally saw what I had needed to see from you. Out of all of my arguments, you never reacted the way I needed you to. I'm sorry for some of the things I said. I wish you knew how much it hurts when you say that you wish I would write more or play music, because I want to be that person again too and I'm slowly getting there, but I'm not going to automatically jump back into her skin when something happened that made me feel like it wasn't right for me to be her. I hate that you keep pushing me being active, you used to tell me that you just wanted me to be happy with my body, you didn't care what I weighed, and now that I've lost a lot of weight and feel a lot better about myself, I feel as if I will never be good enough for you, because you barely even acknowledge the progress I've made. I hate that you feel like it's ok to run away from confrontation until you are ready to deal with it, leaving people to sit, wondering where you are and when they can put the issue to rest, it's disrespectful. I would like to finish an argument in the same day. I hate that the calm didn't last and now I cry myself to sleep, wondering if you care that I'm miserable while you go on with your daily life, telling me that you don't have the energy to have a conversation with me. This was days ago...when will you have the energy?

Is Anyone Out There?

I'm drowning lately and people can see it. I'm trying so hard not to feel for everyone's sake. I am trying to remember when I was a teenager and someone could say something mean or overly honest and my heart would flutter, but I bounced it back so that I wouldn't get hurt. I don't know how to do that anymore and I need it. My head is a constant battlefield, my mind circles thoughts that I don't want to have and I end up saying things that are harsh and I'm becoming someone I don't want to be.
My brother isn't here. I wish he were here so badly. He would take me to dinner and tell me to get my act together. We would sit on the couch and talk before he left to hang out with his girlfriend. If you know me, then you think this doesn't make sense. I miss him, it's hard when you go through life feeling someone standing next to you and all of the sudden they are gone and then when you are alone...you are really alone. I don't know what I did, but I could use him now more than ever.
I'm fighting depression again for a number of reasons and with it is coming old thoughts and temptations that I don't want to have so I have joined an online group. Not something I would normally do, but it has been helping. Sometimes they say things I don't want to hear, but perhaps need to hear and it's the honesty I appreciate.
My distraction has left the state and after being hurt the same as I have been, has put up a wall of boundaries that lessens conversation even though I need it now.
I'm trying to channel these feelings into music, photography, something other than the sleep and sharp objects that are tempting me, because the emotions I have I don't deserve and I know that.

Here We Go Again

Sunday night I fell asleep to the sound of you typing, the weight of you on the bed next to me. I knew you weren't going to stay. You never stay Sunday night.
I woke to your touch, a kiss. You brushed my cheek, told me my lips were so soft, that you loved me, looked me in the eye. Asked me if I wanted to have dinner the next night. I knew you weren't coming back. I told myself not to think, I kissed you back, asked if you knew when you would be off work. You de-iced my stairs, told me to be careful, put on my "cramp ons" I made fun of you for calling them that, you didn't laugh. You told me you didn't want to hear that I had to go to the hospital, that I should scoot in the morning if I had to. It reaffirmed you weren't coming back, there was no dinner.
Monday. Text, dinner? No answer. Call. Three rings. Sent to voicemail.
I don't know how to be without you. I keep picturing you out with someone else and it's making me sick. I keep picking up my phone to call you.
I fall asleep crying into your pillow, your towel hangs in the bathroom untouched.
The avocado you bought is going bad in the fridge.
My mind is wandering. I realized that for five years you have been the one to walk away and every time I am the one to ask you to come back, you never come back on your own. The last time you broke up with me, when I thought we were only on a temporary break, you told people we were over right away and went out with someone within the first month. I'm miserable without you. I've seen your online posts. I've caught you out, having a drink and before you saw me, you looked as focused as you always do.
My point? ... do I love you more than you love me? I don't tell anyone we aren't together, because I want us to work it out.
I keep hoping you will come sweep me off my feet. I know how your mind fights you and I worry that if you want to be with me, you will convince yourself it will be too awkward to find me and tell me you love me. And the other part of me worries that you are going to move on fast, you are going to go out and do all of the things that would jeopardize us ever getting back together.
I want to stab myself, I want to see the pain I feel. I want to drink and pass out so that I can't remember who I am. I want to get in my car and keep driving until I'm someone else. But instead I'm here. Alone. And missing you so much I can't stand it and it's only been three days.