More Unknown

I can't keep seeing names unknown. I can't keep pushing feelings inside to protect you, help us, if that is what I'm doing. I remember chance meetings, awkward conversations, arguments. I need you to start over, something you don't want to do. But I can't live otherwise. I think there were others that you don't want to tell me about, I always felt it, maybe they weren't physical, but emotional, I thought if I ignored it, because I already knew so much that maybe I could move past it, maybe one day the feelings I had would go away. But I see a name, I see a town associated with it, and I fall apart. I want to cut myself and I can't live like this anymore.
I only see two options, we cut ties or you cut ties with others.

The Truth Still Hidden

Omission. What we hide to make ourselves look better, feel better, gain the trust, respect of those around us.
You asked how I have any friends because you share intimate details of our relationship, but in doing so you don't share all of the facts and they end up siding with you for things they should not and disliking me. Why would you want friends because you bend the truth or that like you when you lie and cheat? I don't understand. I would rather my friends question my actions than pat me on the hand and tell me everything is going to be ok, that the other person is the one being a bitch when that is not the case and I know it. Why live more of a lie and feed it?
I'm confused and hurt. It feels like Tulsa all over again. You turned all of your girlfriends against me instead of just having them and now it seems, your co-workers and friends too. When I was dating Navy, what bothered him the most is that I didn't do that, he felt like he was always competing.
I don't know how to take the fact that you want people to think of me and my family in such a bad light, that you think that saying you overstayed your welcome somehow explains it all to people who don't understand. Of course they will side with you. But you want them to, you don't want to be judged. Overstaying your welcome is very different from me telling you not to screw up again, telling you specifically to stay away from a particular person and you doing it anyway, that gets you kicked out and living in your car and that is what people should understand. It is not a poor you story. They don't know how worried I was, how many times I cried and talked to my mom, that you were in your car, how many times I wanted to buy you groceries and pay for a room. But you screwed up one too many times, lying everytime I asked you if you did, contacting her while living under my parents roof even. I knew your pride would get in the way and you wouldn't want to contact your parents for money, but I knew they would be there if you needed them, I knew there were quick jobs and plasma donation, which you had done in the past. You told me you try to tell people I am entitled to what I want, how I feel, but you don't tell them why, so they continue to dislike me. And you're ok with them disliking me so they like you. You don't tell them the lies, the secret apartment, the multiple women. I don't want you telling people things because I don't think they need to know and because you don't tell them the whole truth, you omit things that are rather important details to form an opinion.
Moving to a new state was our opportunity to start fresh. You drug a mess here, we're working through it, but we can't if you keep telling stories to people met. Your parents don't even know the truth of what happened. The clutter needs to be sorted with those who know, those yet unknown need a new story...a new beginning, here and now.

Communication

You responded and all worrying was for naught, until I made my "marriage demands" clear again. I have to know it will be just you and I before we say "I do." Then, you disappeared. No response to spoken word or messages left online. I don't know if you're angry that I would question you when you are sure it is only I at this point, I don't know if you are questioning yourself, I don't know if you are depressed and this is unrelated, but amazing timing.
I looked at a loft today that I was going to try and make work because it is at a perfect downtown location and when I realized I couldn't make it work, not I, I sat in my car and cried. I cried that you weren't helping me find a place for us, I cried that this is so hard, I cried that we aren't married yet, I cried for so many things.
I told M I was having a bad day, he told me he has a lot going on in his life and, basically, he can't be friends with me. Thank you for telling me that after I told you I'm having a hard time. I don't understand. Am I really so unbearable? I think of all of the jokes and fun conversations and smiles I have with people but they always leave, what is wrong with me that no one ever wants to stay?
I was behind a truck today and I wanted to crash into it. Just be forced into motionless-ness. A car tailgated me for quite a while, my hand clenched, I slowed, I wanted to hit my brakes, get out and ask them what their problem was, but they turned into their driveway.
You're out there without me and you don't realize that you are my rock when I am drowning, but sometimes you are the anchor that keeps me under. I need my rock back, because I'm sinking on my own.

Confused

Again...that feeling in the pit of my stomach that warns me that things are not right between you and I, that you have done something that you will regret because it will effect our future. You aren't answering me. Again, what you do when you have done something you don't want me to know about, you distance yourself.

This week I've continued to look at rentals, I thought about us getting our second marriage license and now I don't know what to think.

Friday

An unexpected text at the end of my lunch, in the middle of my workday. I slip my phone into my purse, close the drawer at my desk and try to act as if everything is fine. I laugh with my co-workers, smile, but in my head I am wondering why he would send me such a text while I am working...send me a text at all and not talk to me face to face if he felt the need. My workday ends, another text, he asks me to tell him when I get off. I consider not responding. I tell him I am finished for the day...nothing. A few hours later I ask if we can talk in person Monday, he asks what about. Seriously? I ask why he wanted to know when I get off, he said because he wanted to clarify his text.
The more I think about it, I am reconsidering meeting at all, what is the point? Nothing will come of it except, most likely, frustration. He won't say anything that will bring me clarity, make me feel better, he will say things that he thinks he should say or, he won't and I will get angry that he is being too honest and hurting my feelings.

I haven't been getting a message that keeps being sent to me. Some Pagans believe that if you are not paying attention to the symbolism of a particular animal than it will appear to you dead so that you do finally notice it. I keep running into the same symbol with the meaning of "death and rebirth...you are aiming at the illusion of letting go, without actually letting go". I am thinking of my current situation with my Monday meeting, how I have handled things in the past and wondering...who do I want to be now? I have the ability to be a different person, to react differently than once before, what do I want to do? Speak my mind as usual, feel heard to where the other person tunes me out or say fuck it and walk away not looking back...

-
"In this tired world, in this broken peace
I am not afraid, I am not afraid
In the darkest hour, I will find my way
On this narrow bridge, on this narrow bridge
Lift me up and lift my eyes far above these falling skies
Give me hope and give me love
In a time of change, In a time of choice
I am not afraid, I am not afraid"

There Has to Be Something

Everything was lining up with my nice little bow, with my nice little package, on a little street corner, in a little neighborhood with a white picket fence in a nice little world that apparently doesn't exist.
I'm so frustrated right now that I'm inbetween wanting to hit something, eat food that isn't good for me and cry. The last couple of days I felt like things were coming together. Relationships felt better, I found someone to do my tattoo and found more clarity with what I wanted, I got a great credit card offer from my bank and I found a house to rent.
But when I went to look at the custom built house, the nine windmill style skylights throughout, separate art studio, garden shed, granite counter top in the kitchen, large master suite, tile floor, etc. could not overcome the small lot nor the neighborhood. And the disappointment came crashing in because I was sure when I left my temporary residence today that I was going to be signing a rental application and perhaps be handing someone a deposit.

Inside Out

I have gotten so emotional over a place to really call home, not a temporary solution, a job I don't have to wonder when it will end and a relationship that isn't stable, over the past few weeks that I have caused internal bleeding. Which explains the dizziness I experienced Sunday. I'm hoping to heal on my own.
I don't feel right, getting through work is hard, driving an hour to and from is hard. I don't know how to calm myself down, to not make things worse.
I keep thinking of him being with someone else. With a 42-year-old. The way he said it. So proud, as if it was hard to catch someone who wanted a younger man, though there are jokes and shows called Cougar revolving around such a relationship. I picture her finally realizing how much of a difference that is. A light-bulb moment. I spoke with two 21-year-olds and a 23-year-old and noticed how much of a difference there was between us. I could remember being that age, the plans I had. They seemed so young, cocky, I wanted to give them the double-tap, life hadn't really hit them yet.
He says he is ok with whatever I need, he has told me he will do whatever he needs to to regain my trust and when I spell it out for him, he doesn't follow it and later says he is confused and doesn't know how to fix it, though I repeatedly tell him how to do so. I tell him who not to speak with, I tell him no porn, I tell him to work on not smoking (not as big as the other issues at hand), I tell him to work on himself, getting to work on time, etc. and while doing so stay faithful to the relationship he wants to have. I tell him how relationship boundaries work, that he can't be going on dates, because he goes out with women and doesn't seem to think they are dates if you don't call them that. But things happen...then it becomes my fault for never being someone he can talk to, someone else was there to listen, their body to keep him warm. While I'm here, my heart waiting to give him all I have and having to keep on waiting, because each time he does something he pushes me away. If all we have is our phones and computers, he needs to learn to use them to stay faithful, I have and I thought I could never live if I couldn't see him every day. He doesn't realize how much it hurts me to be apart. So much so I've managed to cause myself to bleed over it. Ha, I have physical proof of how much now. My stomach feels like a giant, painful knot. I have to sleep, work tomorrow...

Social Interactions

"well today has been one giant pile of fucking suck... whup dee fucking dooo lets see what happens fucking next"
Yes, I understand. While one stands there telling me he is not doing well, I tell him I'm not either and he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that since we have been apart I have done things I never would have done, that I contemplate things I never would have before, put myself in situations I would not have in the past. And afterwards, I stare at myself in the mirror and cry. I'm not ok.
I missed three work related calls today, while being on call. I don't know how many hours they had to wait for me to release, the call history is not cooperating in showing me the time the calls were missed. So, needless to say, tomorrow will be a Monday.

M, from work, was going to come to karaoke Friday, but changed his mind, he needed to head to Portland to see his daughters. His desk is smooshed into the office where there was little space left. I had to get to the file cabinet which is awkwardly positioned near his desk, he said there needed to be some type of rearranging done and I said, "you don't like people hovering over you?" Later, I had to get to the cabinet again and I accidentally kicked his desk and my boss noticed and said something and M mentioned that earlier I was hovering, then I opened the file drawer and my boss said, "watch out she's going to smack you in the head" and asked what I was doing and I said, "apparently trying to get more attention." Then my boss proceeded to ask if I was trying to assert my dominance and if I was going to pee on his bed next, I just said, "I'm just going to go over here now..." and walked over to my desk. The whole office stopped what they were doing so that they could be in on the conversation, it was ridiculous.

I know why J has more ups and downs now...at least I think I do. Some days he will ignore me, others he will be incredibly friendly. Friday, he was friendly. He did a very slow one finger at a time wave from his table, gave me a very long hello hug and when he joined my table at the opposite end, pointed at the empty seat next to him and pulled it out for me to sit with him. Bought me a drink, told me about a song he really likes me to sing, sang the song I like him singing though he was originally going to leave earlier. We even did the duet I have asked him to do before and he was excited to do it. He had gotten a new phone and asked for my number again, asked if I still had his, when I told him that I never had his, he texted me so that I did. Asked why I had not come a few times and that I needed to come both karaoke nights, I said I was seeing someone for awhile and was driving to OH, he did a thumbs-down. Which is entertaining, last I heard, he was back with his ex who lives with him. Before he left he said I should come to his place when he has a get-together sometime. He reminded me of the first night I met him, when we sat in the parking lot with S. But, next time I see him, he will probably be leaning against the wall, quiet again, and when I ask him how he is he will say that his back hurts and things are too slow. Then there will be an awkward silence and I will walk away. His best friend J (#2 as they say) did an excellent job singing, per usual. Got him to join the table, he usually sits alone unless J is with him. He temporarily went to talk to someone they know who was sitting alone and he said he was taking after me, talking to someone who was alone as I did for him.
I got scolded by (yet another) J for not being there last Friday. And when his wife came to talk to him about something, he asked if she was taking him away from his girlfriend. We are a silly group. R is not talking to me as much, which I understand since he is back with his girlfriend, who I know as well, it's just kind of hard. We were talking a lot at karaoke, texting and he kept inviting me out, and now, we barely speak. I respect that, it is what I want in a relationship.

Z emailed me and told me I get confused too much. He said something that was clear, but didn't make sense in a practical way, I thought I offended him in my questioning of it so I apologized by saying I got confused. I know he was trying to be lighthearted, but I'm irritated by his comment. It reminds me of navy J always telling me I think too much.

I need to find a place, I need to unpack. I need a sense of stability in the chaos.

Everybody Hurts And Doesn't Know What To Do

Forsyte Saga - season 2, episode 4.

Try is a Doing Word

I sit at a table having a conversation with J, he is extremely friendly on this particular night, and suddenly there you are. Introductions are made, it's a little awkward. You don't come until late, you say you were hanging out with a co-worker and a few other people who remain unnamed. My flag begins to climb. Last I saw you, you looked right at me and said you loved me, that I was made for you. Though I appreciated the sentiment, I knew it meant something more, I could feel it, you had been with someone else. I was hoping I was wrong. Tonight you confirmed my suspicions, you had been seeing an older woman for a few weeks. Now the night I offered to come see you and you told me you were out and did not invite me makes sense, or the time I asked you to come out and you said you were busy with friends and her name was included in the list. I feel ill, like all the times before. Because you are mine. You tell me you didn't start seeing someone until you heard I was, so you understand the feeling of jealousy, would that be the right term? The more people you are with, the less attractive you become.
You say this won't work, because I don't believe it will. And I hate you in that instant, making me the one who will not try hard enough when it is your infidelity that keeps us apart. Do you really not get how much I miss you? How much I want us to start a family? How much you hurt me by being so selfish?
Get your shit together, you're killing us both.

On Call

I'm on call and I cannot decide if I attempt sleep to be woken up by an unfamiliar ring tone, stagger to my work laptop and release some documents that have to be taken care of before tomorrow, or stay awake and wait. I'm really tired. I have already seen a few emails come in, they are on the hot list; however, no one has called me regarding them so I am thinking they can wait until morning. I already caught an error on one and emailed a reply. Mmm...my only concern is that I sleep through the call or the reception fails (which my being awake cannot fix)...I am expecting at least one call and they said they would do so by midnight.

Lesson Learned?

I have heared that if the test keeps coming, you haven't passed. So I contemplate, if I keep running into the same wall, what lesson do I keep avoiding? What sign am I not seeing?

I allow myself to be harassed by words and photos and I don't know why. He takes her out on days he told me he wouldn't go out, because they were "lazy days" or because he would be airsofting the next morning and had to wake up very early. They go out often, while he would apologize to me for not wanting to go out. He posts photos of her and of them together, when he never did of us. He posts when they are at certain places and the time he posted we were at a resteraunt, he failed to mention I was with him. So I wonder, was I an embarrassment? Or was I on my way out before I even got in? I try to not let it effect me, to think perhaps we were just not compatible and now he has someone he can be himself with and that is why he is doing all of these things. But then I think of the photos he took, the text messages, the 6 a.m. drive, playing pool, our gum heart, our matching chapstick, the time he got something in his eye or got stitches, and my feelings can't help but be hurt.

And on the other side...my heart is dragging along a very rocky path as the person I have always loved is struggling. But his struggling puts me in a hard place as it always shuts me out and with that comes the fear of someone else coming in, because he used to stop talking to me when he was with someone else. So now no matter what he says there is a fifty/fifty chance of him being depressed or him being with another woman. I need him to figure out how to let me in, because what he doesn't realize is that though he has my heart and that no one makes me feel the way that he does, I have come to a point after everything I have been through that I will risk losing what my heart wants if it means going through more of the same that has been in our past. I want a family so badly and due to that I want a stable environment for a child. I don't want them to ever hear me question their fathers whereabouts. I don't want them to ever hear their father cheated. I know life is not perfect and I might be strong enough to keep handling certain things, but I don't want to bring a child into something that is just going to be broken over and over again.

Z emailed me, as he was running out of text messages. He got the job he has been waiting for. He may have to move, but for now he will be doing the early morning rise, like me.

Work is going well. I almost have all data entry done, two folders that were packed full, since we have been so on top of releasing I have had extra time. I was told when I started that data entry is the least favorite of the tasks, so it was sitting undone for quite awhile. Also, I discovered how to enter a particular type of document that my supervisor was not sure how to process. I began entering all of those, time consuming and repetitive as every document has several drawing numbers listed within it that have to be looked up, that document has to be inserted into the pdf of each and then the Access sheet updated for every one, but it made me feel good that I figured it out. I can't really take credit, I figured it out through discovering an old data file and reviewing it.
IT has been wondering when the Document & Drawing Management System (DMS) was going to run out of room and we found out on Friday when we could no longer release drawings, they had to give us more space.

Tomorrow a new week begins. Let's hope it gets better. Still searching for a place to move, still hoping my last name changes and I find my mornings and nights are not alone.

My Heart is a Yo-Yo

Again. Notified. You took a picture of your space at work, but it's what is within the picture that is confusing my head and heart. The blue lights that you always had, a few Evike stickers, a little gun, then the two things that stand out to me: the postcard you got when we were together and the giant Voss bottle we got together, it sits there empty. Am I reading into this? I know why I would keep those things there, why I would take that picture, but why would you?

And on the other side I have someone who says that they want me, but keep coming in and then pulling away. Speaking to me a few days, creating a bond where I am starting to feel comfortable again and then yanking back. Making me hesitant, confused and wondering who he is with and what he is doing, because that is what he would do in the past. Instead of telling me what he is up to and including me, he keeps me at arms length so I don't get jealous, not realizing this is harmful as well and because he assumes I will say no (and right now, yes, things are complicated as far as trying to arrange meetings), never invites me to anything. Even when I was offering to drive to see him, he simply answered he had plans with others, though the others were some he has been wanting me to meet, making me suspicious and hurt.

My heart is a yo-yo and it's exhausting me.

Thank You

I write to her because the photo was too much. She tells me that she has a week to move out. They got into an argument regarding the surround sound being too loud, he said his room is right above it and he couldn't hear it and she replied, "you were probably too busy fucking cheating on your girlfriend to hear it." And I like her more than she can possibly know for saying that. I feel a certain peace now that I didn't have before. I needed someone to do something that I felt I couldn't.

When I sang You Oughta Know, A. watched and told everyone that my singing brought him out of the kitchen. Maybe one day I will mean the line, "I'm happy for you."

A Photo, Some Whiskey

I tried not to be bothered
By the knowledge of other texts,
Knowing a website existed where we met.

Yet I find myself anxious
Slightly fidgety inside.
You see I think this part of me 
I thought had died,
Is reuniting with the living side.

So I don't know quite what to do,
But here I am telling you.
It can be ignored 
And perhaps that's what I'll do,
However, the problem remains 
Captive and restrained.
~

My mom had a dream the night before it happened. Two figures. One reading text messages, becomes incredibly angry, starts yelling at the second figure asking, "why?" Goes and picks up a dog, the dog is limp, the figure becomes defeated, sad, wants to be angry again, but gives up. The next night I find out about the other woman from your roommate.

My requests are not working and I was notified that you posted a picture...of the two of you. You never posted the pictures you took of us, yet you post a picture of you and her. She is in the military as well. You told me and your friends you wouldn't date someone in the military again after your ex-wife and gave us several reasons why. I want to say, "fine, whatever," but I don't, I start to cry. I wonder what is wrong with me that these things happen.

We never had closure and I contemplate, is there such a thing? I texted you, "You cheated on me? Is that why I didn't hear from you last night?" you replied, "mew," and that was it. The next day you changed your relationship status on Facebook and I haven't heard from you since. No cover-up, no I'm sorry, no it's your fault for...nothing.

My companions at karaoke have told me that I am getting better each week. I sang You Oughta Know last night and they said I put everything I had into it. R said it was the best song he has heard me sing, I've sung it several times before, but last night was different. Therapeutic song, I've been coming across better because I have been putting emotion into the songs I'm singing instead of just singing them.

A few of my friends have talked to me about their relationships this week, funny as I haven't started the topic of relationships. It seems everyone is having a hard time.

Papers on a shelf. They don't mean anything anymore, yet mean so much. How I wish things were different so badly. How I wish you would sweep me off my feet and make everything better like you can. Because when I'm falling apart you are the only one to make me whole again. I want to go out with you and meet your friends and have you meet mine. I want a place to call home. But your lies and omissions scare me. I've found a confidence in myself I thought I lost, I don't want to return to the person I was. R and I were talking about how sometimes there is one person that you just hold onto and no matter what you keep trying to work things out, because no one else makes you feel the way that they do and when they are gone, you aren't complete. I may be missing another person that I grew attached to while you were gone, but you're my person. And perhaps that sounds strange to some, but you can be in one relationship and be happy in it and care for that person, yet not know where it is going, thinking you will probably never have children with that person and still have it break your heart when they are no longer in your life. And you can have been in another, seeing yourself have a family with that person and not knowing how to get there.

F&@.$!) H3!L

I hear from your roommate again. (I don't know why I write to you. You will never read this, though there is a part of me that wishes you would.) Our conversation makes me wonder, have you been seeing someone else for awhile? This would explain the decline in your want to see me. How you would tell me you were too tired and then text me at midnight or 2 a.m. to tell me something. It makes me think of the night you were anxious to get home at ten and you said it was because you were tired, but you kept texting on your phone. You didn't invite me to follow you that night like you did so many others.
I never asked you who you were texting, looked over your shoulder, like you did to me. I wanted you to know I was trying to trust you, though it was hard, and look what it got me. I miss our texts. The first one of the day 6:30-7, depending on if we both were up. Texting as we both went to work, texting on my lunch break, when I got home, saying goodnight if we didn't see each other. If we weren't together on the weekend we would text when we woke up and throughout the day. You would send me photos. Remember the time you sent me a text saying you licked my eyeball? And I sent you a reply saying I shut my eyelid, trapping your tongue? I miss stupid moments like those.
Do you remember when we had a debate about zombies and continued the conversation my sister and I had about wether or not they could get into a secured condo?
The time you kicked a pallet over in an alley and on our walk back I picked it up and you asked why and I said, "because I'm not like you." And you said "but maybe the universe wants it knocked down" and I said, "but if I picked it up, doesn't that mean the universe wants it that way?"
I miss how our "arguments" never were. How you would disagree with me and either end up understanding what I was saying or drop it.
I miss how you would think something was ridiculous and when I said I liked it, you would change your opinion. Like the time you went on about the stupidity of Voss water while we were in Cost Plus and I hung my head and said I liked it, because it has a cool glass bottle and you said something to the likes of, "huh, well, that is kind of kick ass, let's get one." Or when you were complaining about Hybrids and I said I was thinking about getting one for my next car and you then said you were thinking of getting one too.
I liked showing you new things. I'm glad I got to be the first one to take you to Archie McPhees and Cost Plus. I'm even happier that you seemed to enjoy yourself.
I don't know how many times I have walked past the famous gum wall and ignored it or not even noticed its existence. You got a pack of gum just for the occasion. We put our gum together, you climbed up a wall and made a heart out of our two pieces that became one.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to care. I want to figure out how to shut this side of me down again so I can just move on with my life like you are doing. How are you doing it? How are you not caring about me at all? How do you spend time with someone and not get attached? I lost that trait years ago. I felt it when it left.

I'm working on my pre-birthday tattoo, it is now more important than ever. It was important to me when I was in a relationship and after being cheated on again, it is making the symbolism of my tattoo that much more relevant to me. I'm getting closer on the artwork, but still not honing in on a permanent idea.

Found the poem I never edited and didn't show you:

~
Since the day I saw you,
You make me anxious I know not why.
Razor sharp spring wire,
Vibrations in my heart,
You send signals through me
And I know not wether to stay or dart.

Complicated feelings, did not know that I would have.
So when I see you I am nervous,
Anxious, happy, funky, glad.
You see, I thought my soul was tired,
Rapidly declining, bitter, mad.

I find this new feeling intriguing,
Growing on me, though I still feel a little sad.
All this to say...I like you, you make me rather glad.
~

I Don't Want to Miss You

When we first met he said it felt like we were old friends reuniting, that we were Legos that fit together perfectly. He would surprise me. He purchased something for me, I unaware until the end of our outing when he handed it to me. We stood in the middle of a bookstore and he read aloud over my shoulder while I debated if I wanted a book. The time I showed up incredibly late, because I was out with my mom beforehand, and he was just sitting in the parking lot waiting for me, not upset. When I asked him to remove something online, he told me why he hadn't and I responded that he wasn't doing it for him, but for me and he removed it. When a miscommunication made me wonder if he lied and he clarified and apologized. When he was a little awkward in normal settings and yet in one that was more chaotic and full of people he knew exactly what he was doing and where he wanted to go. Like the time we went to Pike Place and he escorted me through, he knew exactly where he wanted to purchase the ingredients for dinner. When asked if we would like a sample of chocolate pasta he said, "she'll have one" and then proceeded to order pasta and oil. He was confident in getting shrimp amongst the crowd, yet in a quiet resteraunt he would be so awkward and skim over the menu forever.
I miss the day we stood in the kitchen talking, you cooking, I doing dishes. I miss watching scary movies and ad-libbing. I miss watching you take apart and modify your airsoft gun. I miss your stupid dog that you said was only calm around you and I. I miss the night my alarm kept going off and you kept pushing me back down and I kept falling back asleep. I miss how you never hesitated to pay the check. I like how you weren't nervous to let me drive your car and after the first time, you liked it even. I like how you didn't really want to meet my parents, but my mother went to get you and you made a good impression. When I asked you if it was weird afterwards, you said not really.
I miss you telling me about the science of shapes, caramel color, maraschino cherries, cancer, the zombie apocalypse and several other facts.
I miss hearing your plans for our future, because you were ahead of me. You decided I was your girlfriend the night we met, after you heard me sing. We played pool that night and darts. I made a lot of, "that's what she said" jokes. Towards the end of the night you told me that you didn't know if I knew it, but I was awesome.
One night we stood in the kitchen talking about couples, family life, you said, "if we ever get married," etc. etc. We agree on how we want to raise children. What happened? You tell me that you get afraid of closeness, that I am getting too close. I ask you how, in my head I am not close enough, I am not a committed girlfriend. I have loose strings on my heart. You don't tell me specifics. Was it because I wanted to see you more than once a week? Did you pull away because of said closeness? When we met you were the one asking me to spend the weekends with you, you would say, "what are we doing tomorrow?" and every time I saw you you were asking me not to leave at night. You used to tell me you couldn't stop thinking about me. You made your phone background my picture and took a picture of us together the second night we saw each other.
I don't understand what happened. How did you go from adoring me, texting me morning and night, to sleeping with someone your roommates don't even know? Were you just pretending to care? And if so, why would you do that?
I feel broken, again. Alone. Empty. Sad.
Z emails me, he could tell in the tone of my last email something was wrong. I couldn't decide if I wanted to say anything. I tell him. He reminds me of the five kids I want to have (he remembers), temporarily makes me smile.
I down the rest of my beer. I'm fighting the urge to text him. I almost drove to his house today to punch him, but the thought that he could overtake me, the fact he has guns and modified airsoft weapons made me think better of it. Now I don't feel so much like punching, I feel like curling in a ball and crying.

Is it Me?

She writes me again. I sit in my bed and tell myself I am ok though I don't believe it. I don't want to cry because of him, but I do. I want to sleep and pretend this never happened, but I can't. Is this going to be my life? The guy I hung out with who took me on dates and said he was celibate to then ask to meet with me and a co-worker so they could tell me they slept together. Someone I was pursuing a relationship with who pulled me outside during a work break to tell me he slept with someone else, that we met at party. My fiancé and his various affairs. And now another one. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone ever want to treat me with respect, like I have feelings? I feel so alone. I wish my brother were here.

I Feel Ill

She makes a public comment asking who the girl in your room is, then sends me a private message asking me if we are still together. I feel ill. I know I haven't been committed, yet you told me recently you felt I was too close. Now I wonder if you haven't been wanting to see me because you have been seeing someone else. Is this happening again? Please don't tell me it is. I'm awake and crying and don't want to be. You invited me on a date earlier in the week and when I asked you about it this afternoon you said you weren't sure and I haven't heard from you all night and now these conversations from your roomate about another female...you always answer your phone, you didn't respond. I want to throw-up.

Alone

I made a mistake. Part of the mistake I can take back at any point in time and another part I will have to carry with me forever. I misread someone because I wanted them to be something they weren't so badly that now I am realizing that to stay with them is to either ignore significant parts of them or keep asking them to change...and they haven't as of yet.
You aren't talking to me when I need you the most. Typical. I'm struggling with depression. I cleaned my room yesterday, it was getting bad, unlike me, which is a sign things are not going well; however, the clean-up was a positive sign. I asked a question I didn't really want the answer to. I don't know why I asked it, no, I do, because I don't want to live in a forest of lies or a web of omissions anymore. Instead of setting my mind at ease you said you needed to talk to me of such things in person, because you get defensive online. This doesn't bode well. If you aren't doing anything, what is there to be defensive of? Why not laugh it off, roll your eyes and tell me what is going on in your life? People are only defensive when they have something to hide. We have had this discussion before, you tell me it isn't true and then I find out you are lying about something and that you are defensive for a reason. So...what is it you think you have done wrong?
I'm so lonely. My best friend isn't talking to me. My boyfriend and I are struggling. He is the one that declared us in a relationship when I was fine with things being casual and now he barely spends time with me, but doesn't want to break-up. I'm frustrated. I feel so incredibly alone and no closer to where I want to be.

Me, Others

I remember why I keep it all in as I speak to her. I restate facts, no judgement on my part and she comes to a conclusion as to why a person is the way they are, why they deserve the treatment they are receiving from others. My first response is defense, but I don't say anything, I don't want to argue. Maybe she is right, maybe there are "types," formulas for people and I am just niaeve thinking that circumstances mold people, things change. She said something that made my heart stop. A comment about another deserving what they got, not realizing that that comment could then also apply to me and was incredibly harsh. I thought perhaps the barrier was gone, I am always told I don't talk enough, but now I see my wall must still be built. I am told my thoughts will be respected, but I know otherwise. When you know you are spoken of behind your back as it is, why give more ammo? It makes me sad that I can't ever say what's on my mind when asked and I fear I have given her too much information already that she is wanting to push me in certain directions due to what she knows. I'm really struggling with biting my tongue with several people as of late. It is hard to watch a know-it-all raise a child, someone who is close to you, wants help, but doesn't. Today we went to the store, baby wearing shorts, t-shirt, no socks. Got outside, it was cold. Was he dressed for the weather? No. Ok, but people carry diaper bags with little jackets and extra clothes right? Not her. So he was chattering and shivering for the first half we were in the store. If he gets overstimulated she keeps trying to get him to play with his toys or keeps talking loudly at him instead of picking him up and quieting down, which is what he needs because he is burning out. Most of the time her answer to his cries are to feed him or put him to bed, when he just wants to be held. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I just think there is a way to be more prepared for all situations and a way to better read a babies needs. She keeps trying to fit the baby into her life instead of realizing that she is fitting into the babies life now, her life is changed.

I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut

There are times you should just keep your mouth shut. When your opinions/back log regarding certain things perhaps should not be said. But there is a part of me that thinks that the reactions to ones opinions are just as important. So though a part of me wants to take back thoughts I had, the other thinks it is better that differences are brought to light. I'm feeling solid in my expectations and I don't think I should apologize for that; however, I think I may have gone about it in the wrong way. I'm torn, what should my next move be? Am I a chess piece or is this checkers?

Q&A

How do you get someone to open up that doesn't know how? Or rather, isn't interested? What do you do when subtle hints get you no where and even what seems to you to be an obvious, 'please give me an answer,' kind of a question equals no results? Do you cease to try? And if so, what does that mean? I'm finding that the patience I once had has evaporated. The patience that would enable me to wait longer than I thought possible for the ultimate "payout"; however, waiting created the opposite of what I thought it would, it formed chaos and heartache. At the moment, I feel as if one should do what they say they are going to and not waste my time. I don't know if this impatience is good or not, I recognize it from a very long time ago and I am worried that I have to balance an anti-social me with one that can't be alone.

Does it Feel Like a Monday?

Do you ever feel as if you were once good at something and now fail miserably at it? I am feeling that way regarding several things. Writing being one of them. I know it has to due with being rusty, I don't do it in the capacity I used to. It frustrates me, I don't remember grammer the way I once did and all of my editing books are packed. I'm finding that on a personal level I am also failing at things that I thought I was good at, not sure how I can make sense of that without being specific, the point being...is it like riding a bicycle? Not really, but do you regain it over time and can one become even better than before? Silly question I know, of course you can, if you want to. Or did you have a mask of dillusion before and you never were good to begin with? Does that mean that your perception of yourself has worsened? I don't think mine has, I think I have gained if anything; however, did I ever feel confident in my abilities? I could go around in circles forever. You tell me of the places you've been, people you are meeting and I try to smile for you, but inside I am still squirming and my brain still says, "f****** h***," because we were supposed to be discovering the city together. It was to be an adventure had by us both though I grew up here. I wanted to show you around because every time we have been it seems like a struggle, you had to work or were thinking about work or we got in an argument of sorts. I've lived in your town for several years and I wanted to bring you into mine and now you are seeing it for yourself, it feels odd. I'm anxious for change. Good change. I have been looking for a house, but cannot find one that is bearable. I know I am particular, but that is what got me into the place I called home last time. I don't want to live in an apartment complex, a duplex would be ok, a house ideal. Really need to go shopping, ug dislike shopping, and buy new clothes. My jeans are getting to an inappropriate point due to my weight loss. I was washing my car yesterday and they were falling down to a low that well, let's just say, it's really time I get a new pair of jeans. So...I had a momentary need for Chapstick, pulled out the Burt's Bees and applied it. Now my lips are insanely chapped and I recall this happened last time I used it. It is as if you apply it once and you have to use it for the rest of your life. Really need to figure out what I'm doing with my hair. Last time I was at DP, F asked the bartender why the blonde was ignoring him. I never wanted to be a blonde and here I am being called one. Miss my blue hair, but the upkeep is a bit much. Played Overlord yesterday, cute game. My little minions enjoyed having pumpkin hats as well as leaf ones. Should be productive...what to do today? I think I'll share.

I Feel Like I'm Just Blah Blahing

When we are younger there are certain conversations we wait for, attempt to have, role play and replay; when we get older we realize that with said conversations comes responsibility and change. We might still imagine having them, they sit in our mind playing tag with our other thoughts and linger on our tongue, but once the topic is actually brought up, you are left wondering, how do I really feel about this situation?
Kept trying to convince R to sing Father and Son by Cat Stevens Friday night. He finally did it for me. Family man J bought me a whiskey and I had him come up to sing I Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5. He didn't know that I had put in the song nor did he know the song. He ended up just standing behind me then at one point put his arm around me and said into the microphone, "Hear that honey? She's coming home with us," to his wife who was sitting at our table. That became the joke of the night. G commented that their family gained a new member before he announced the next singer and J later mentioned me going home with them.
A grandmother was dancing her heart out with her grandson which was fun to see, but he was intoxicated and who knows, she may have been tipsy herself. He kept trying to get others to dance, I wouldn't go up with him. I was attempting to sing a song and he came up and was dancing with me and singing at the same time. It was very distracting and I kept laughing. T was in town so she came up and pulled him off of me and started dancing with him, then took him to the bar to try and get him to drink water. Later, she was singing and it seemed as though he was going to leave her alone, because he was dancing with his grandmother, T made sure the second mic was off so he wouldn't interrupt, but no, he started dancing in front of her. I asked R if I had to save her because she saved me, he said he didn't know. I sat there saying, "really? Seriously? Do I have to?" and such, then swore and pulled him off of her. She winked at me and smiled. He was dancing incredibly close, for lack of a better term, grinding if you will. As soon as the song ended T came over, started dancing with me and we walked off the dance floor together. We left him to dance with his grandmother some more, as she didn't seem to mind dancing that close with him nor did another female patron. Now this other female patron was confusing, she was there with a girlfriend and another guy, it was an interesting triangle because I couldn't figure out who was dating whom, each girl seemed like they could be with the guy. But when dancing boy and third wheel girl, as we will call her, got together her girlfriend came over as it looked as though they were about to make-out on the dance floor said, "I don't think so," and dragged her friend back to the table. Leaving dancing boy to find his grandmother again and the one girl telling her friend she was not going to allow her to hook-up with that guy while their "boyfriend" sat in the middle smiling at them both. Are you confused yet? Don't be, just reread it a few times. I apologize, I'm tired and can't figure out a way to be clearer.
R and I discussed his music, I have started on some lyrics though I am not ready to share them yet.
J was in a good mood and stayed longer than he has for awhile. He snuck up behind me when I came in and told me that the first three songs I sang were favorites of his.
Both J's pay/paid attention to what I was drinking which I find entertaining.
Saturday night NY J and I were going to play Hive but we spent the evening trying to get something out of his eye. We went to the store and bought eye wash and flushed it several times, to no avail. After awhile he decided that he wanted to go to urgent care on the base and see if they could help, so we drove over there, went through security (I don't remember having to turn off the headlights when we used to go on base with my grandparents), zipped around to medical and they were closed. By the end of the evening his eye did not look good. I will say that he did go to the base the next day and they were able to get a piece of fluff out that was from his safety goggles from when he was airsofting.
I want to keep writing, but I'm tired...

Wednesday, Wednesday

Arrive to empty tables, silence. Then M and I begin to enter songs. I decide to mainly "suicide" the night. Slowly, other people begin to show up. M keeps asking me what has changed, apparently I have an "aura" about me. He is on high flirt mode. He notices when I am not there. Tells me things that lets me know he is getting attached in some way or another.
R joins us as does his friend J (yet another J). T gives me "eyebrows" from one table over, then comes over and asks if I am going to sing, R jumps in with a reply as he put in a song for me. M keeps touching my hair, saying various flirtatious things and asking me out. J and R get in an inappropriate tangent - I give J a look, he tells me R started it. R is feisty this evening.
M buys me a beer and we all continue singing. Wanted my J to venture out, but he has work in the morning. Thought my family would be coming, but they did not.
R momentarily leaves my table, goes to E's table where her kids were drawing before they left, comes back, "here I drew this for you," setting a small, crayon drawing of an alligator down.
Karaoke ends. R invites me to his house to listen to tracks he has made, he would like someone to write lyrics for him. I would love to write lyrics. He would like to get a cd made this year, perhaps play at the fair. I listen to a couple of songs, he pours us whiskey, I exit.

A Scone

So...once upon a time I had an amazing scone. It had butter inside and when the barista warmed it up the butter melted Mmm Mmm Mmm. I have been wondering where those darn scones were located for a very long time now and just discovered through another media platform that they were in Kansas. Sad panda. Someday scone, I will eat you again...you were one good scone. P.S. The new Blogger does not seem to like paragraphs. I'm not sure how to handle this situation.

Bah Humbug

I did not realize I ever had comments on my blog until a couple of minutes ago. Now I feel inept and a little bit like a jerk. I apologize to those who made comments and it seemed as though I was ignoring you. Sadness doesn't get one anywhere, yet the feeling follows with disappointment from not getting from the "look what I can do" academy to "you wish you could do what I can do" lifestyle upgrade. My abundance of confidence does seem to have a limit and once reached, it starts deflating like a balloon. There are only so many jobs to be turned down from, so many hardwood floors/stainless steel appliances you can't afford, gas receipts to look at, before you start to wonder why the heck you are even trying anymore. Then you go to bed and do it all over again. Why? Because you have to. You sit at a bar and the next person you meet you want to say, "Hi, I'm Sally," in a British accent and you want to talk about how you work in a steel mill and you live with your dog Frank and you are deathly afraid of worms, but you don't. Why? Because it would be weird and you just can't do it. You see people going in and out of their homes, saying goodbye to their families, going to their regular daily jobs, and you wonder what you did to get dealt the hand you have. Seriously, what the heck did I do to deserve this?

F U All

I'm sad and pissed and so many emotions, all stemming from one phone call that is erupting into me disliking several things.

I cannot believe the childish games played due to the fact I have the ability to say, "no." I am frustrated by the back and forth taunts of "we should," then being blown-off, when I am not instigating in the first place. And I am pissed off by the secrets still being kept when the old ones have destroyed so much trust already.

If I were a cockroach I would find some beer and drown in it. Are all people created equal? Please tell me this isn't true.

I can't believe I still can't find a job. I'm going to have to resort to selling my eggs, which won't work, because I want to use them and well, I don't want to share. Sigh. I'm not in a good space. I want to get in the car and drive, but I know that is a bad idea, because I'm not sure I would come back with how I'm feeling right now.

Three Guys And A Girl

Karaoke Friday night, was feeling sad again. Wasn't putting in songs so R randomly inserted me and we would decide on the song when it was my turn. J with the wife and daughter was told to "save me" by his wife as I was surrounded by teenagers. He bought me a second gin and tonic when mine ran out and told me I need to sing more often. We discussed jobs and locations a little, we used to live around the same area. R's wife ended up joining me towards the latter part of the evening. Cook J was in a good mood, but did not stay. I attempted a few songs I did not know, one was a success when R accompanied me, another a complete "suicide," as we call it.

Last night I went to DP, per what is now becoming my Saturday routine. I was feeling very unkempt, but did not feel like putting in the effort. Had a busy day in Anacortes. I recognized a car in the distance, my usual parking spot was taken, I thought to myself, "that figures, you show up when I look like crap. Why weren't you here the other night?" I wonder if you are in another establishment, just taunting me with the presence of your car. I enter DP, see you, then wonder if you are with someone. What to do? Sit at the bar per usual? Say hello? I order a drink, decide on hello. The people I usually interact with are not there.

Later, B shows up to play pool at the table near us. Should I introduce you? I don't know. Feels weird. Mentioned you the first night B and I met.

We attempt conversation over loud music. I don't know what you want me to do or say. Due to my personality I still want to fix everything for you, but I have realized I cannot no matter how hard I want to. You have to fix you. Do you want to? I know you can if the want is strong enough.

I recognize a shirt at the bar and start swearing in my head. Do you notice?

You are tired and want to leave. I ask you to stay longer. You don't realize it was for a multitude of reasons. I like the fact you went out of your way looking for a fight, though I don't think you should punch him. The bruises are fading. I want to tell you and I don't.

Glad you came. It's a nice feeling, having you come my way. I always come yours and wonder if you ever would have come mine if I had waited or if you would just let me go. Thank you.

Poem 4/14/12

A polarized spring bucket loaded to my heart

You tug in one direction, trying to pull us apart

One day I feel relief, you are here in my arms

Another you are gone, I am searching for your charms

You say the right thing, I think all is well

Then just as soon you vanish, leaving me in Hell

I drive my car to find you, a pattern always kept

But now I wait for you to find me, through these tears I've wept

Show me that you want this, that it is you and me

I know we can make it, forever and always it's supposed to be.

You Don't Respond Anymore

I have the day off. I'm at home cleaning with my mom and sister. I should be preparing the house for my husband, calling to see when you are getting off work so I can plan dinner. But you are there and I am here. Our communication does not coincide nor do you speak directly to me, not for my lack of trying. Talked about you at work the other day, told the "girls" how you always did the cooking when we were in Tulsa. Missing you. Hurts.

A Little Optimism Can Go A Long Way

I am back to "my project" and feeling more confident. I enjoy prioritizing, reaching out to the buyer and various other people to obtain information or communicate needs. It's not that I didn't see the importance of the other project, I just feel more at home with this one. My "boss" for the last project came over to my desk the other day to thank me for my help, it was really nice.
I still want to strangle whoever thought not making packs and inners straight forward on both the price pages and new item forms was ok, because it makes things rather complicated, but hopefully nothing detrimental will happen if there is an error on my part lol.
The computers had a hiccup today, things slowed way down, I couldn't save to the server or print and whenever I tried to save the computer just made temp files that did not accomplish anything. I went to the IT department for assistance, but found out it was an issue that was not only my own. I saved to the desktop and then P came by and asked me if things were better, that I should have access to the servers again. I was in the middle of a task and did not check, but he sent me an email while I was at lunch asking if everything was working for me. I stated that it was, he responded, "If you need aaaaanything else, let me know." I sent him an email asking for a pony. He said if he had an extra one he would definetly kick it my way. I'm a little concerned that he would kick a pony (shrug).
Had lunch with the "girls" and an entertaining conversation with J from IT about apples and knives. He swore there were not any knives in the kitchen yesterday, but I think it was just because I was distracting him with a Blair Witch reference and he was getting frustrated due to the fact we were talking about the computers he had set up that we were no longer going to be using. Anywho, today the drawer was full of knives and we were talking about their possible removal for the safety of an employee. He mentioned a lock being put on the drawer, having to pick it or go to loss prevention for assistance. We are a comical group.
I'm not feeling as negative about the job "let down" as before. It's pretty fantastic that I was up against one other person when you think about it and that the VP could not decide and wanted to just hire us both. Here is to hoping that they can work something out and offer me a position soon!

Too Tired To Be Pleasant

I cannot fill this void I feel
I want to hide away
I hear the lost whisper of your voice
Don't tell me silence is your choice
~

I don't know how to stay positive if this is how things are going to continue going. The project at work...again, I didn't feel as confident as the other temp and the sections I did whiz through occurred after our supervisor left, fabulous. I always seem to struggle when there is an audience. They said they no longer needed me, they are keeping the other temp. I am returning to my original department, thank goodness I have some work. I also found out that the VP could not decide between me and another for the full-time position and went with the other as they have PM experience. However, he really wants to hire me, he is not sure in what capacity or if they have the budget though so they asked that I be patient and they will try and make me an offer in a couple of weeks. I don't know how to feel about that. I want to be thankful, but I'm just sad that I didn't get an offer. Yay me for having a pity party. I think I'm overly tired. Have tried to have lunch with my lunch buddy the last two days and keep zoning out while he is talking. I had a nice lunch Friday with three women from the office, we all walked to the store together and ate in the "cafeteria." I randomly thought of that because of the topic of lunch.

My sister will be up here next month. She had two showings and someone made an offer on her house, lucky! I will get to finally see my nephew who is....six months? He is already doing so much on his own. They grow up too fast.

Random

Are you going to the bar too much when your bartender comments on your steampunk jewelry (nope), knows what drink to grab you when you come in (probably...) or when you both are calling each other lovey? (um...)

I have reminders of this weekend that don't want to go away. Physical and mental. It's my fault and I can't really explain how I feel about it. I randomly cry because things are really not going the way I envisioned them a couple of months ago, heck a couple of weeks ago, and well, it sucks. I'm trying to stay positive for once, but I'm tired, sore and bruised. I miss my best friend and love.

I started my new assignment today which was with another temp and ended up being awkward, we got along, the work just wasn't clicking so I didn't go away feeling accomplished. I had my second interview which I believe went well, I was told I was definetly qualified and that they would let me know. He did have me fill out a background check, so here is to hoping!

Apology Accepted?

J from DP texted me this evening apologizing for last night/this morning. Said that that was very unlike him. Do I believe that? Not really.
Begin my new temp assignment tomorrow. I will have two desks within the company, as my old department wants to see if they can share me. Also, I have a second interview. Wish me luck!

A Poem

I let someone in I shouldn't have,
I have the bruise to prove it.

My heart is waiting for the one who locked it in a chest.
He keeps it with him at all times and never lets me rest,
By telling me that all is well and we will pass this test.

If he were there I would not have faltered,
This battle wound I would not bear.
Yet somewhere else he still stands,
Until he shows he cares.

I Like the Night Life?

B was supposed to text me when he woke up, but didn't hear from him. Went to Little Mountain Park with the family during the day and took a hike in the woods and looked out at the amazing view (a little scary from up there). Then I went to Draft Pics when night hit. I was in an overly confident mood, which may have been a bad thing. I was sporting my new Lip Service jacket, my makeup was done rather well and my hair was curled, which I have been getting a lot of compliments on.
Draft Pics J was there, as opposed to the various other J's I know. We didn't actually say hello right away just waved, he was with a group of people, so we sent text messages back and forth. Weird, yes I know. It was his birthday.
After awhile B showed up, he looked surprised to see me, made his rounds saying hello to people, then sat next to me. He had had a bad day. We played pool, he attempted showing me how to make some nice shots, which I kept flubbing up and then he had to go.
I sat back at the bar where a guy from Delaware said I looked bored, then told the bartender to get me another drink on him. He asked where my husband was, then where my ten boyfriends were, then where my girlfriend was. He introduced himself and then returned to his gang of friends.
J came and sat next to me and proceeded to tell me how people kept buying him drinks for his birthday and he was bound to do something he probably shouldn't do because of it, that he gets very grabby when he is drunk. He had to return to his table of friends in the other room and left his drink. Time passes. I text J telling him he left his drink, he says he knows, to save it for him. The bartender asks me where he went, I tell him he is coming back, the bartender tells me he just fell down the stairs a minute ago.
A guy a few chairs down from me smiles, signals asking if he can sit next to me, I nod yes. Introduces himself, he asks if I like the Sounders. We attempt a conversation. Then J pops up out of no where, sits next to me and says he's sorry, that he shouldn't leave things behind, because anyone can just come and sit next to you or some such. I try and juggle two conversations at once, a sober conversation to the right of me, a drunk, grabby birthday boy to the left.
M comes in, introduces me to a friend of his. I give him my free gin and tonic, I can't drink anymore. Birthday boy goes back to his friends which leaves a straight shot for F to see me: 65, veteran, lives across the street. He doesn't remember he already talked to me last time. He brings up some of the same things...but adds that when I get tired of the young boys I can come to him. I can't seem to hold a conversation with the sober-ish person to my right, he momentarily disappeared while J had my attention.
M stands in front of "Sounders" seat. I see Sounder again, excuse myself and go to apologize due to the distractions of birthday boy. We decide to sit back in our spot again. M comes back around when he is leaving, asks if B was there and if I got to talk to him, tells me he will talk to me later.
2 a.m. hits, I jump up so as not to annoy the bartenders. Sounders asks if I'm leaving, I say yes. I head outside. M is still there. He is wearing his taco shirt, tells the people outside I was the one to see him win. Decides to pick me up. Ask J if he needs a ride, why? Because I temporarily forgot who I was. Delaware group is standing outside, asks what I'm up to. Says I should come to the Best Western hotel for an after party. Bring my girlfriend. ? I didn't know I had one.
J needs a ride, but follows a friend to their car to say goodbye. I head to mine. As I'm standing outside my car Sounders walks by, we make remarks, then a car full of people pulls up, Delaware group, not the guy who bought me the drink, but his friend asks if I am coming to the hotel. I say I'm not sure. He tells me I should, it will be a lot of fun and they will have beer. Tells me the room number again. Asks if my friend will be joining me, see Sounder walking off in the distance. Tries to convince me to come again, then they drive off.
I sit in my car, then hear a rapping, Sounder is standing outside my passenger side window. I open the door, he gets in. He says that he saw the car pull up and heard them talking about a hotel and thought that I was going to be murdered in a few minutes and that was sad, because it was nice to meet me. We start making jokes about random people, dive bars and getting murdered.
I see J leaning against a building. No one is around. I feel bad. I offered him a ride, it seems everyone left him. I tell Sounder I need to give him a ride home. He tells me we should leave J and go to the hotel, that he would never go to an after party like that and he has seen J a few times, he isn't the type of guy I want to be around, in fewer words. He said that he will make sure nothing happens to me at the hotel and it will be an adventure. I tell him I would feel bad just leaving J, I have to see if he still needs a ride, I text him, his texts aren't making sense. Sounder reads it, he says J is implying he wants sex. J disappeared from the building I get out of the car, Sounder says that if I'm doing this then he is going with me, he doesn't want me getting raped.
See J walking on the street, ask him if he still needs a ride, he says yes, his friends ditched him. Sounder is very much trying to be in control, he says we can drop him off. Get to my car. They both "fight" over who gets to sit up front. Sounder sits up front. I ask where I'm going. Sounder says, "That would be you J." They "argue" over who is getting dropped off first then Sounder gets irritated and says here is fine then, gets out and slams my door. He wanted me to tell J he was going home first. J is happy, he says now he can sit in the front seat.
And really the evening should have ended before this. J was very aggressive before we were alone and more so after we were alone. I should have left with B, instead I got home after 5 a.m.

Goodbye Loot

Unknown caller, unknown text number - conversation begins, tablet I need to return. M said he tried finding me on Facebook, remembered a conversation we had about my last name, how I said it was a Harry Potter character so he went on IMDB and looked for the rat characters last name then searched Facebook and couldnt find me. He couldn't get ahold of B, then ran into him on the street and asked for my number. He said that if it had been anyone else he would have thought he would never see his tablet again, but he knew I would bring it back to him. M is one happy owner! Pays for gas. He looks at his schedule from his newly returned device, "what day is it?" he asks, "Thursday," I reply. "I missed the taco eating contest I was supposed to be in. I need to go over and apologize. I will be right back." He leaves the bar, a few minutes later he runs back in calling my name, "I didn't miss it!" He grabs his belongings, "You can come watch if you want."
I finish my beer and head over. There are ten people or more. He spots me, says my name, lifts a glass of water and smiles. Fifteen minutes of taco eating goes by. The winner is called. He wins. He ate eighteen tacos. He comes over, gives me a hug and picks me up before going outside for photos with the rest of the taco eaters. He won a t-shirt and tacos until his record is broken. He points out the metal scorpions in the establishment, he made them.
Friday night I head to Viking for my usual karaoke, B and I were going to find a new spot to go, but I did not hear from him. I enter, "Want a beer?" my bartender says. I nod. She grabs my usual. G seems stressed and is having a hard time dj'ing. There are a lot of kids and a thirty-year-olds birthday party. I sit alone, but my usual gang is soon around me with only a few members missing. Something is off about the night.
A few regulars are trying to get Viking M to plan on meeting them in the morning, but he keeps saying he has a prior commitment. Later, he tells me that he told them he had a prior commitment, because he was hoping I would have breakfast with him. I tell him perhaps another time, then feel bad as I know he is in town only so often, keeps asking and turned down the other group in the hopes that I would say yes. Yet, I don't go.
Two teenage regulars look rather sad, I know the parents and ask the father of the daughter if she is no longer dating the boy. He says no. She looks like she has been crying, he holds his arms close to his body when he moves, sings a song, glances in her direction and gives a slight, sad smile. They made me sad. I wanted them to get back together just so everything seemed ok again.
B sends me a text, "What's up Tulsa?" he isn't up for going out.
J is still in a weird mood, but this time he says his back hurts, I leave it at that.
I decide to go when a group of intoxicated people show up, making fools of themselves on the dance floor and taking over the mic while other people are singing.

Hello Stranger, Good Morning Sun

Everything is messed up. I wasn't supposed to be here this long. The words of, "It will work out someday" and "One day at a time," "Everything will fall into place when you are ready" or "least expecting it" are driving me crazy. I'm thankful for what I have, but I'm frustrated. I keep applying for things and hearing nothing back. I change my resume over and over again upon recommendations and...nothing. I approach cover letters differently, more business like, a little humor...nothing. I'm glad I at least have a temp position, if not for that I would be completely hopeless. I have enough for first months rent.
I went looking for a new bar the other night, I was hoping for something like the wine bar in Tulsa, but the place that I found closed at ten. They sent me to a dive, which I was not interested in so I relied on my Garmin which sent me to a ghost town with yet another dive with only one person in the bar. I went back to the first dive. It was in Mount Vernon, different from my usual spot in Stanwood.
Met a very drunk man who talked in circles. He told me how he was a divorced veteran, 65, lived across the street where he had tequila and beer, he thought I was very attractive and he had been waiting for someone like me his whole life, would I like to come over? What was my name again? Emptied his wallet to show me the contents: bus pass, credit card, veterans card, license, etc. and then the whole process started over again. I did turn away from him and ignored him a few times, but wouldn't you know it, he actually remembered my name when I wasn't looking at him? Then he decided to tell me about the bible, he told me not to get tattoos, to get out of bars and start living, because I can do something with myself and G-d has a plan for me. Then he said he had to say all of that, because he prays in the morning before he could ask if I wanted to come over, because he is a wild man.
There was another guy who kept staring at me from a distance, I would catch him peeking around a corner to look at me, but he wouldn't come over.
A guy came over for a glass of water, stalled a moment beside me and decided to introduce himself. He left his friends playing pool, who left when he didnt come back after awhile, and we talked until close. The guy who was staring at me all night decided to finally introduce himself at 2 a.m. He came up on the other side of me and said hello. So we went outside. Where staring man said goodnight and left and bar talker and his friend who joined us a little while earlier stood. A few seconds later, staring man was back, he said he had to use the restroom, he was able to get back into the bar, came back out and asked us if there were any after parties. Then stated that he knew of one. He would have to check with his buddies, but he thinks it would be ok. They were going to run to get beer. Then he said he only had room in his car for one. I said that I drove and the other two guys walked so I would have to drive them. He asked for my phone number in case we got lost and told me he would check to see if it was alright if we all came over. So off he went and we headed for my car as it was cold. Bar talkers friend said we should head in the direction of the house, which I felt a little bad doing since we hadn't received the ok. Yet we drove, then I got an incoming text, "Honestly I was just hoping you would come over..." So, I tell my driving companions it is not really a group party, bar talker asks if I would like to drop them off and I can go hang out with the other guy, I say no. We drive around trying to decide what to do. Unfortunately, we can't think of anything. It gets early, I drop them off.
Staring man texts me, asks if I'm staying in town or driving back tonight. Tells me I should come over and "have some fun" with him. That it is much better to drive in the morning than night. I go home.
I discover a Galaxy Tablet was left in my car, woot free loot! No, not really, must return.
Go to my usual dive on Wednesday for karaoke, bring the 'lil sis as minors are allowed for a set period of time. Run into J with the three kids, who has them in tow. He introduces me to them all. His oldest son is outgoing, his daughter who has my name, takes a liking to my sister. J kept trying to get his son to dance with his daughter, because she wanted to, I convince my sister to get up and dance with her and after that they are two peas in a pod. Later, J and I dance and his daughter joins in, we look ridiculous.
My usual bar companion makes eye contact, leaves, returns with kids, waves and sits in the dark. Something isn't right. I go over and say hello. Apparently his ex dropped the kids off with someone to get her hair done in the afternoon and still wasn't back after nine, he was in the hospital for two days, and he got yelled at at work. Bad week.
I have these outings and have a good time, but I get home and wish I were with one person. Wish we were going out. Wish we were talking, because that was the best part of my day. What's wrong with me?

Fantabulous

I don't feel well. Wish I wasn't "alone."

A Place to Call Home

I want a home and a family of my own so badly. I have been living out of boxes almost a year, having to rummage through them to get my things, open a suitcase to get my clothes, I want to scream. I feel so empty without children. I have to reassure myself everyday that the wait is worth it, but I'm lonely and I'm tired and I don't see where my life is going. I once thought I saw it clearly, knew exactly how it all would end, but it seems I was fooled. I tell myself daily, "I have to get a job, I have to get a job," I occupy myself with the thought so others cannot seep in, but try as I might sometimes they do. I remember when I was twelve my mother warned me not to go into the world too fast, that it wasn't as exciting as it seemed, she was right. I want to make a place of residence, take care of it with the one I love, raise children to be the best of us and better. I feel old, I feel restless, I don't know how to wait any longer.

I Care

You don't see the tears I shed for you, because I want to fix it all. I want to get us a place to call home, find you, feed you, care for you, make everything ok. You don't see how much it hurts to be hands-off while you struggle and figure things out in the world that is bigger than your home town. I fear you think I don't care, that you think I'm too heartless, I just know deep down this particular fight you have to win on your own and I need to know you can do it.

A Question

Everyday I type a sentence, then retract it. It is slightly different everytime, but the essence remains the same. I am fighting patterns within myself, because this time must equal change and the question I feel I have to ask, the answer will either make me unhappy or uneasy. My fingers hit the keys, I hover over send, I reread what I have typed, then I watch as I delete what I have written. I do this daily. And though my habit would be to blurt the question, only pausing a moment to ask myself, "Should I ask?" I know the power of humans to adapt, change, overcome. So I will continue to type, read, delete until I no longer feel the question needs to be answered, until I can let go completely.

I Have Days Too

I wanted to tell you about my day. I wanted you to say, "Where did you go? Who did you meet?" I wanted to tell you about the constant line of students to the Microsoft table, about my awkward revisit to a table I thought I had not been to, about my conversation with a student. How I hesitated by the door when I first arrived, but soon felt comfortable enough to strike up conversations, laugh and smile. That I had a good conversation with a dev from Microsoft who is passing on my resume and I received an off-campus interview at five for Fund for the Public Interest. How I went to said interview after reading the pamphlets I was given, realizing it was for a nationwide activist group. They were looking for people who could pull together a team and head projects, letters to congress, go door-to-door, take a stand on politics/issues, make a difference, I felt very egotistical. Beforehand, I was approached at Starbucks for possible side projects, details still unknown, but I am armed with a business card.
I wanted to be talked to, I wanted to be asked.

A Note

The words I get are not her own, they are a mixture of eavesdropping, conversations with my mother and her personal feelings and so I find myself holding back frustrated sentences I wish to tell her or anyone in this house. I am feeling played and I don't like it. There is a part of me that wanted to say that if she believed in the words she wrote, she shouldn't have lived in the same house as I for most of my life. When people want the best for you, they really want the best for themselves. Yes, they want you to be happy, but they also want you to pick someone who doesn't irritate them, that talks about things they enjoy, does things the way they do them. My family wants to create a comforting atmosphere, but after that note, I'm feeling manipulated(?) and it's pissing me off.

Thank You

I write. You respond with words I need to hear/see.
I call in tears, leave a message. You call back, "please hang in there," your voice mail says. You call again in a couple of hours when I have yet to call back.
Thank you.

I Miss You

"I miss you. It's amazing how innumerable billable hours, microwaveable meals and the delightful view of the tar paper roof of the hotel does not really distract me from you."

How I long for you to hold me in your arms and tell me that everything is ok, that the truths you told were lies. I miss your hands, your face, voice, eyes. I know your soul is trying to get out to be the man you want to be, but I don't know how to help you be that person, hence me always saying that I don't make you a better person. I see it, your soul, I know how great you could be, if only...

So much time I took for granted. The new clothes I did not show you, the dishes I bought us that are packed, the temporary nose studs, the wood magic box, makeup, so many things I thought I would have time to show you when we moved in together. So many things I wanted to do with you, see with you, experience with you. Time...who knew six years would not be enough. It was supposed to be forever and always.

I can live without you, but I wish I didn't have to.

All I Wanted Was You

A ring upon your finger. So close to all I wanted from the first year we were together, to show the world I was yours and you mine and no one else's. That there was room for no one. That we would wake up next to each other for the rest of our lives, have kids, grow old. You never understood that though I may not have had things the way I preferred, I was ok, because I had what I really wanted, you. I was able to wait six years, because the wait was supposed to be worth it. I didn't know the wait would break my heart instead.

You act as if it's a compliment
When I say you're good at lies.
Do you see the pain you cause,
the torture and surprise?

You say I am self-righteous now,
Not realizing the point I try to make,
Your heart must be unwavering, decided and true.
Do you not see by my staying
my devotion to you?

I cannot make you want the things that I do.
I give you the rules,
but still broken they become.
Who are we when all is said and done?

To Disappear

What is that?
Black spot upon the mobile phone.
Symbolic: torturing, empty hole that drains power.
Sitting. Coffee in place, cup holder.
White snow on an icy path. Immobile.
Words like a firing squad: thought instantly, held back momentarily, let into action.
Teardrop. Slow on the upper curve, picks up speed, crashes at the bottom.
This feeling?
Pain. Slices made, perhaps sharp folds like origami, into a ruptured heart.
One idea...
...to simply not exist.